James is here Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 I miss being drunk. I used to drink alcohol and use drugs years before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I have been paranoid since I was about seven or eight years old but I didn't really share it with anyone. No one really knew I was struggling. I think they must have thought I was a little odd. I was out drunk and chased on a Sunday morning. They stole my wallet and I had a panic attack. That was eight years ago. I am 33 now and still trying to pick up the pieces and move on. I watched a documentary on the BBC about a man with Schizophrenia who is a heroin addict. I could relate, although I never did heroin. I used to love MDMA. I loved to feel love. I felt so happy and filled with love when I did it. I miss being drunk. I miss flying away into the ether. But then the fall would come and the next day unfolded and normal people started moving around the world. It was a weird juxtaposition. I was wandering the world looking for the next high but couldn't get the fix anymore. And then I got threatened and chased one morning in the south of France. I have lived with the paranoia that people are out to get me. I find bus journeys difficult. I seem to get people who have eaten onions breathing on me or somebody muttering behind me. I feel like I am followed everywhere and watched. I take medication. I have a psychiatrist and a counsellor. I think about the Pareto distribution and how I have so little and it seems to become more and more solid, this having so little. And then there's Enlightenment. The big 'E'. I watched a Mooji video four and a bit years ago and I was hooked. I started practicing self-inquiry right away. I have made some progress since then with growing up and I have discovered a few things about waking up. But, alas, I still am stuck in the dream - Maya. Sometimes I love her, but most of the time it's just a malaise. I use caffeine to self-medicate. It lifts me up and I just feel better. I want to quit it, but I am just unhappy without it. I rarely give in however. I heave a healthy dose of "fuck you determination". I just keep holding on. I let go when I remember to. I'm afraid to say that I know mostly the first of the four noble truths. I get to the second truth and let go. But as for the rest, it's a mystery. I love Buddha and Jesus Christ. I love music. I love going the Buddhist Monastery. I haven't been in a few years. When I have some money I will go and spend a few days down there. I am thinking that I wish I had something inspiring to write. Sometimes people tell me I am too hard on myself. I believe that's true. But suffering is the colour of my life. It's the melody to my existence. I wonder about God and evil and suffering and I wonder why? I wish we could all be happy all the time. I wish I was able to not feel sick when I have algae oil so that I could stop eating fish as well. I wish a vegan diet worked in the long term for me. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be happier. I wish. I wish. I wish. When I see the world, I see beauty. I haven't been traumatised enough to not see that. I believe that there is something out there that is good and that in the end, we all are just going home. I get now that there is no one writing this. But this 'someone' isn't done with me. Denying the relative doesn't work. We're all life. I really wanted something insightful to write here but the truth is, I am not Enlightened. I have nothing to offer. That's the truth. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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