blessed journal

[Blessed2]

I just did Byron Katies The Work about the money - studies - carreer stuff that has been bumming me out. The belief(s) was basically that "It's not possible for me to find a better alternative for a carreer or studies. I'll have to go to the massage therapy school even though I don't like it at all. I can't just drop out either. I need to do something."

 

I did the turnaround and got to the part where you need to find three genuine reasons why the turnaround is true for you. But I can't find any!

 

"I can find a better alternative and I can do exactly what feels good to me, and still have my dreams come true."

 

OMG no. I can't find any genuine ways that's true.

 

God damn the whole income-carreer thing SUCKS. I feel so stuck in this. I don't want to fucking do anything. I don't want to get up in the morning and go to some place to do work.

 

Really what I'd like to be doing right now would probably just be traveling around europe in a camper van or something and looking at beautiful nature. Who the fuck came up with this stupid shit that I need to live like this? Who wants it? Like what the fuck am I doing? Feeling like absolute shit barely getting by and getting drunk again and again, every day ruminating and worrying how I will get through this fucking life, everything revolving around that I need some sort of income to continue getting barely by in this shitty world. Supposed to go to school and learn shit I'm not interested in. FUCK this feels like a god damn prison. 

 

 

[Blessed2]

All around everything in this world from studying to jobs and even to spirituality seems like a bunch of "should / need to do's" you don't really want to do.

 

If I did exactly and only what I wanted to do starting tomorrow, I wonder what would happen.

 

Not like I had the guts for it anyway.

[Blessed2]

Well that thread has not been helpful at all.

 

I'm desperate.

 

Please just let me stay at home. I don't want to wake up to school tomorrow.

 

Oh my god why is life like this. Why isn't anything working out for me.

 

All I see in the future is day after day waking up to school and hating even being there.

 

Yeah I know I've heard it a thousand times. It's what I'm thinking.

 

I don't have the time or energy to fucking heal all this mess. I should be healed tomorrow so I can go to school and actually make something happen.

 

What's the point going there tomorrow and just feeling like shit the entire day since I'm not going to figure out and heal this discord anyway.

 

It's useless to even try anything at this point. I'm so deeply fucked up it might be almost a hopeless endeavor to actually heal all of it.

 

Literally so much work and I doubt even then I'll make it happen. Fixing the hierarchy of needs, therapy, developing self-discipline, meditation, fixing the diet. It's endless work. What's the fucking point.

 

It's not going to happen. It's not going to be healed and I'm not going to be able to do it. I'll try going to school for a few times and then I'll just stay home, leave the studies and do nothing.

 

Every time I fail. It's so unfair. I'm always trying my best but I literally just wake up in the morning and it's all a battle from there.

 

God I wish my parents would just understand how hard it is to me. I wish they could just allow me to give up. That would probably be best for everyone.

 

Maybe if I gave up I'd feel better for allowing myself to choose what feels good. And then I'd have some energy to maybe get something done.

 

I know that would be the for best. I know I'd feel better if I just gave up with the school and gave up with the entire "I have to have a job" etc.

 

But my parents are so stupid they don't understand that. They've just went through their entire life never actually thinking it through, and they expect me to do the same. 🤦 Not a moment of peace. I spent a few years doing nothing cause I had drug addiction, depression and a fucking psychosis. And they were like "ummm... it's been a while of this, maybe you should get a job or go to school already" 🤦🤦🤦 "You're just not disciplined enough. You need to challenge yourself more."

 

I don't even like to spend time with them anymore cause it's always the same. I'd like to just tell them I don't want to do anything and I'd rather be unemployed for the rest of my life than "just do something". But I can't cause I know their reaction. Every time it's the same weird defense that kicks up with them. Like a debate. But it's not a fucking debate. I'm telling you how I feel and what I want.

 

It's like a great dream of mine to just give up the trying and have the guts to do what I really want. But the thoughts of how my parents would think / say always keeps me from it.

 

If I just had the chance to just give up the need to make studies and a job to happen, I know I'd feel so much better I would maybe even actually make it happen after all. At least I would be free.

[Phil]

Who would you be without beliefs about yourself? 

What if free is already the case but is overlooked, via beliefs?

[Blessed2]

I'm having suicidal thoughts a bit. They have been appearing lately for some reason. Haven't been doing so well I guess.

 

I know this isn't really aligned with this forums guidelines etc. but I just want to sort of vent. I know to seek help if it gets bad.

 

I just read a news article about how the economy is going to shit. Electricity, loans, food etc. has been getting more and more expensive for some time.

 

It's starting to get quite bad. Even the middle class is having some trouble here. Not enough money to eat fresh and healthy food even. Jesus

 

Really kind of losing hope. And I'm not the only one. Young people suffering from depression etc. more and more. Politicians are doing shit politics and basically ruining our welfare state. Basically all public sectors like healthcare, education, social work etc. are having trouble. Cause they're not given enough resources.

 

Even preschools are going to shit. Not enough resources and most who study to work with kids etc. quit cause the work is too stressful and they don't even have time for breaks during workday. Same for nurses in hospitals. And we used to have the best educational system in the world, but now it's being ruined too. They just try to make it as cheap as possible and voila, like one third of our students experience trouble, burn-out and mental health issues. Even I belong to this group. The school I'm studying in fucking sucks. The teachers literally make me do their job. It's like this new "modern" (cheap) teaching style. "Self-learning". 🤦🤦🤦 No wonder like 50% of the students there quit.

 

So great dude. Having our kids being shouted at and under-taught cause not enough preschool teachers and they get stressed and burnt out. What a fucking way to build a blooming nation.

 

My parents belong to the most wealthy age group. They grew up in a blooming economy and bright future. They could buy their own houses etc. And we're born into this shit. And I'm especially fucked since I have nothing valuable to offer. And I'm so god damn lazy. I don't see anything exciting or worthwhile in the future. I have friends who already own their own homes and have their own companies etc. I can barely get out of the bed in the morning. I have no future. I fail in everything. I'm a fucking loser. It makes me want to hide from the world. I can't make anything work.

 

I even fail to do the scale. I fail to align. I fail to see hope. I fail to feel better. I fail to wake up. And all this is what makes me want to die sometimes. Hopelessness. I just can't make it.

[Blessed2]

10 hours ago, Faith said:

Because you should know that suicide is a final solution for a temporary problem and sometimes we need to reach out to someone in person that can actually stop us from doing something really stupid when maybe we aren't strong enough to stop ourself.

 

That really makes a lot sense.

 

The bad days and feelings come and go. They always pass eventually.

 

I might call a hotline at some point. Just so see what it's like.

[Blessed2]

"I'll only be able to really enjoy things like beautiful nature and music when I'm healed or enlightened."

 

"I need to fix how my life is and change how I think so that then I can enjoy things."

 

"I need to be different so that I can enjoy."

 

"Enjoyment is somewhere in the future. When or if things change."

 

"I can't enjoy things now because something needs to change first."

 

"I can't really enjoy things if I have worries."

 

"I want to feel like I did in my childhood but something needs to change so that it's possible."

 

"I am not in peace right now."

 

"I'm afraid of how how the change that needs to happen for enjoyment & happiness might be something scary like ego-death or facing my fear of insanity."

 

"It might not be possible to be without fear without facing fear first."

[Blessed2]

"Spirituality is hard."

[Blessed2]

I feel happy because I'm going home.

 

I'm on the path.

 

Edited March 28, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I should do something.

 

I can't just let this evening pass. I should read something. I should do some practice.

 

Time is ticking. If I don't do anything, I will not grow. And I will not figure out solutions to my problems.

 

It's important that I find the solutions and figure these problems out. That I make it. That I succeed. 

 

It's important.

 

If I don't do something, things will not change.

 

Time is ticking. Right now I'm not doing anything. I'm wasting this moment. I should do something, so that I will find peace and happiness.

 

This should be The moment. I should be happy right now. I should be in Heaven right now. But I'm not. Am I too weak? Am I too lazy?  Am I not giving enough?

 

I should do it today. I should just fucking do it, get out my comfort zone. I should take responsibility of my life. I should work. I should stop being so lazy, selfish and weak.

 

I should do it today. I must do it today.

 

I must do the right thing.

 

Otherwise, I do the wrong thing. Today. I'm doing wrong today. Today is wrong. And I will never get there.

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

"I have to get enlightened so that I'm finally healed and can have a job."

 

"If I don't have a job, I will not make money and I will be an outcast. I will not be a desireable person."

 

"If I don't do something with my life, people will think I'm a loser."

 

"It's hard to heal all this discord. I've been suffering from this problem for a long time and it seems almost impossible to heal."

 

Sometimes when I go shopping or visit a hospital I wonder how the hell can all these people do their job. How do you get up every morning? How do you not get burnout? Where do you get the energy?

 

Sometimes I think I want to start a blog, or something like that to publish spiritual insight. I have almost done it, but it doesn't really feel good. Is it even what I want?

 

Or do I just think I have to do something? Have something going on?

 

This also connects to that I think I need a life purpose or something, cause otherwise I would just do nothing.

 

And if I don't do something, I can't have what I want. Money, travels, etc.

 

 

[Blessed2]

"A lot of what I do and say is just me trying to get pride, admiration and approval."

[Blessed2]

I am experiencing some fear.

 

That there will be some sort of a mystical experience, an altered state of consciousness or awakening.

 

I experience fear that it will feel scary or like I'm going insane or something. That I'm not safe, something bad might happen to me.

 

 

Fear, fear, fear. He keeps ruining my day. An odd quest. Odd visitor.

 

Will it ever be over? Will fear ever truly end? Is it possible?

 

Sure, what would prevent it from being possible? 😂 It's just that I don't see how fear could ever truly end. But I'll stay hopeful.

 

 

[Blessed2]

I'm visiting my parents. Last time was a few months ago.

 

I can already tell these are going to be emotional days. It's been a few days like this. Like an emotional fog. Something is coming up.

 

I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe spending time with my parents. I don't feel safe sleeping here. I would like to be at my own place.

 

I don't know why I feel such anxiety. Some sort of a trauma?

 

It's been a few months because the last time I spent a few days here, it was really horrible and I just wanted to take a long time away.

 

Every time I'm here I feel my stomach going all crazy. Like a feeling I'm going to get sick, my bowels are twisting. Social anxiety.

 

This place is where the worst "trouble" started. This house. This room even. Years ago. Quite sudden depression and social anxiety. Almost literally during one day. Studies went to shit. Couldn't go to school due to social anxiety. Had to start taking pills. Stomach and bowel movement all fucked up every day for months.

 

I came here now because my parents are selling the house, and I'm here to help them move. Yeah, some change is happening. Maybe "outside" is a symbol for "inside", like in a dream. Stuff is coming up. Understandable. Maybe this is a good change. Maybe selling the house and moving to a new one is a positive thing. The theme of letting go the old, in with the new cycle. Maybe this is going to be a happier one.

 

 

I've been thinking about ACIM and Gary's books a lot lately. I've almost read all of his work, bought the last book I haven't read today and almost read the whole thing already.

 

Been feeling quite strained and foggy about it too. Not sure if I'm doing the 'forgiveness' correctly. In fact I feel quite foggy about it too. Had a fight with my girlfriend yesterday and when I tried to do the forgiveness, it felt super foggy. Did not quite "get there". Felt worried I failed. Super emotional. I feel a bit weird with my girlfriend too now. Something is coming up there too.

 

It's probably all positive though. Not the first emotional up&out days I've had. Hopeful that it will clear up whatever is cloudy.

 

 

I don't know why you're not clearer with me. Other folk seem to meet ascended masters and cool stuff like that. They have company. They have actual guides who can answer their questions. Someone who's looking out for them and making them happy. Supporting. Securing. I don't have that. I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'm progressing. Am I doing good? Will I succeed? How to make it work? How to be happy? How to get what I want? How to get money? How to find cool and exciting things to do? How to heal my body?

 

[Blessed2]

I wonder if pessimism has been so common for such a long time that it is / has been hard to notice, so that it's just been assumed to be how life is, how I am, how it is to me.

 

I am experiencing pessimism. This is an emotion. Not how life just is. Not how life just feels like. Not how I feel. What these thoughts feel like.

 

Or is this depression? Is depression an emotion?

 

Pessimism or depression: "Nothing just works out for me. All is a battle. Nothing good is coming. I don't see how things could get better. They're not getting better."

Edited May 28, 2023 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

This is hard to write. Would sort of like to hide it all. I am experiencing the emotions guilt & unworthiness.

 

In the past few weeks, my unhealthy relationship with alcohol has been firing up. I have drank a lot, and I just got home from a weekend trip with friends and am feeling the consequences of heavy drinking. I feel nauseous, tired, I experience unworthiness, guilt and anxiety. Thoughts are clouded. Talking is a bit slow. Not a great feeling. But I think this is it. I don't want to drink like this anymore. Honestly, it isn't even that fun. The trip would have been nicer without alcohol.

 

What's behind the drinking is pessimism. And boredom, but pessimism is the main one. A sort of nihilism.

 

I experience pessimism and I drink to divert attention from that. When I drink, I don't think stuff like "this is a meaningless day and nothing fun or exciting is coming." When I don't drink, or don't have plans to drink, those sort of thoughts appear and are believed and pessimism is felt.

 

I've also been wondering what is it really in drinking alcohol that makes me "feel better". Is it really a substance called ethanol and hormones like dopamine etc... Or is it something else? I have been suspecting... What's "key" in looking to divert from pessimism with alcohol use is the next drink. Simply the next drink. Or the thought about having a next one. There is an experience of positive excitement in that.

 

There is also a similar thing with intimacy. Thoughts of pessimism and nihilism is believed and felt, and then I have been looking for "meaning" from intimacy.

 

Sometimes a thought appears, like for example if I "had it all" in material success etc. way, but could not drink or have intimate relationships, I would experience pessimism and thoughts of meaninglessness and nihilism. As if alcohol and physical intimacy was the only things "meaningful" to me.

 

That's some heavily discordant stuff. If someone sensitive is reading this, you can probably feel the vibe of where this text is coming from lol. I know, pretty horrible. Though I'm happy it's coming up and out. Happy that it is now clear, the why I've had this trouble.

 

In fact, maybe I could even say that I experience hopefulness.

 

 

It's starting to be so so clear. I do not want to drink, I do not want compulsive intimacy. I want ALIGNMENT.

 

 

There seems to be a "full circle" thing happening here. Last year I spent about 6 months completely sober. Then in the summer I spent a month traveling around Europe and pessimism, nihilism etc. really fired up. I did not understand the emotions I was experiencing, so I started drinking again during the trip.

 

I'm soon going to have similar long backpacking trip this summer, but this time I think I understand my emotions better, and I got a feeling with this new understanding I can create alignment and have a way better trip. 🙂

 

[Blessed2]

Today I experience nihilistic thoughts again.

 

Basically... "Even if I had the most beautiful cozy log cabin in the middle of the most beautiful forest, being a talented musician & writing songs or something, and a fire place burning... If there was no alcohol, it would be nothing. But if there was alcohol, it would be a lot."

 

Alcohol seems to give me a feeling of meaning. Or maybe something about it makes me not focus on / believe nihilistic interpretations etc.

 

Daily meditation will probably help. And journaling. Talking. But I do not like at all how all this feels like. How almost every day I experience worry, anxiety. That there is an intense desire to drink, but I know I shouldn't drink and that I need to keep away from drinking. It's very taxing.

 

This is indeed what I'm experiencing:

 

Powerlessness, despair, anger, discouragement, worry, doubt, disappointment, overwhelment, irritation, pessimism.

 

I would express jealousy, but I cannot imagine anyone else feeling "this is meaningful" without alcohol either.

 

I cannot imagine how anyone could feel meaningful in that log cabin. What thoughts would that require? What kind of experience of life would that require?

 

 

[Blessed2]

I know what I do not want: compulsive, need-based drinking.

 

What I do want is a bit more tricky. Do I just write the opposite? "Joyful, peaceful relationship to alcohol" ? 😂

 

I'd like to have such connection and resonance with Source that I do not experience a need or a compulsion do drink alcohol.

 

What do I write on the board? @Phil @Mandy

 

It doesn't make sense to write "resonance with Source" or "alignment" on the board. Because isn't that what's attracting the stuff on the board?

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

I’d first write 5 to 10 specific aspects that are unwanted.

[Blessed2]

10 hours ago, Phil said:

@Blessed2

I’d first write 5 to 10 specific aspects that are unwanted.

 

Hmm...

 

1. Shame: insecurity, guilt, unworthiness, powerlessness.

 

(That I am not good enough, that I'm fake, that something is wrong with me, that I'm doing something wrong.)

 

2. Relationship issues

 

(Someone close to me does not want me to drink heavily and I feel guilty, ashamed and worried that they will leave me alone etc.)

 

3. The negative effects on health, mood and alignment

 

(The hungovers can be uncomfortable. It makes me experience anxiety. The opportunities for aligned action etc. is greatly diminished.)

 

4. The cravings & urge.

 

(It would feel way better to focus on something else.)

 

5. Losing money.

 

(It's expensive. And often I can get quite impulsive.)

 

6. The negative effects on life success.

 

(I won't be able to succeed in my studies and career if I continue drinking like this.)

 

 

And now just flip them around?