blessed journal

[Blessed2]

Feeling a bit weird today.

 

It's been a couple of days of covid. Getting tired of it, and I should travel to visit family tomorrow, spend a week there. Not totally feeling like it but not feeling like staying here either. Kind of boring.

 

Today seems to be one of those discord coming up and out days. Reeaaalllly tired and just fucking done with what life feels like. God I can't stand it. FUCK. There's a weird feeling, like a vibe. Bodily sensations emotions, thoughts, awareness feel different. Maybe it's the bad food coming up.

 

Also might have forgotten to take pills today. And also revieved angel therapy yesterday. Might be those too.

 

Too much bullshit. I think it might be impossible for me to ever get anywhere. Life just seems impossible, like there's some chain in my leg holding me back or a brick wall of impossibility in my way. As if whatever I try, whatever I wish, whatever I hope would work out for me, the chain goes "nope". Nothing works. Nothing is successful. It's a bit terrifying. Maybe I just can't do it. Maybe this is it. Maybe I'm just a total failure.

Edited December 22, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Anger

 

It builds up

 

Lately more and more, maybe cause it used to be suppressed?

 

Not anger toward anyone or anything particular, just a feeling of frustration, rage

 

"This doesn't work. Nothing ever works. I want to feel better already. Why isn't that happening already? Why the fuck isn't these things working???? I'm doing what I can and I just feel worse and worse, more and more angry and frustrated???

 

Right now I'm on a train and I can't fucking sleep even as I'm tired. Cause trains fucking suck. You can't find a comfortable position.

 

I'm hungry, nothing good to eat.

 

I try meditation, I've tried it so many times but each time I start feeling the same anger and frustration. Shouldn't meditation help with that? "This isn't helping, I'm feeling like this again. It gets worse and worse. I'm worried it'll just get so bad I lose my mind and attack someone or something."

 

I try letting thoughts go but it's just an impossible task. There is literally not even a second of peace from thoughts. The midmnd jsut goes BLAH BLAH ALL THE FUCKING TIME. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG? WHAT IS IT??? WHY CAN'T THIS JUST BE EASY?

 

Why is everything in life so hard???? Every single fucking thing is always a god damn battle and such a fucking impossible task to get through?

 

That same brick wall or a veil is ALWAYS keeping me from actually succeeding. I just want to feel better but it's always there making it impossible. "It's not gonna work. Nothing ever works for me. It didn't work. Now I'm feeling like this again. This is impossible."

 

"Can't stand the people telling me to meditate and do the emotional scale. Why don't they just make me feel better already? Why don't they explain me exactly how to do this so I'd finally get something right? Why do they make me suffer like this?"

[Loop]

Don’t let yourself believe the uncomfortableness is physical, all pain is psychic. A good way to manage it is to switch between focusing on the feeling for a bit, then the images or words of thought, splitting between the two makes it much easier to let thought slide away from trying to lead feeling.  Feeling - image/ sounds of thought content - feeling - image/ sounds of thought content. 

 

Feeling isn’t physical, it can really seem like it though. 

Focus on how you wanna feel, let that ripple down into how you feel now, then move toward it.
 

[Blessed2]

Some discordant beliefs and thought-story.

 

"I'd like to feel good already. I'd like to be like Jesus or Buddha. I imagine them being so intensely present and aware... I want to feel powerful like that too. Like everything is possible for me, that everything is working out, and I'm limitless and spacious."

 

"But I'm not feeling like that, I'm not where Jesus and Buddha was so to speak. I'm just some dude who has trouble with basic life stuff like healthy diet, bills, anxiety and relationships. It sucks to be me. And it's probably almost impossible to feel like I want to feel."

 

"Right now I'm not doing anything to get there. I'm not meditating, not doing the emotional scale, not psychedelics, not anything. I should do that kind of work, to work through the suffering. But I'm not doing any of that, I'm just lying here all tired and stuck in a rut. This could be a holy moment. Today could be the day. What am I waiting for? I bet Jesus and Buddha felt each moment was holy. That each moment each day was The Moment, The Day. But when I try to act on that, do the Holy Moment stuff like meditation or taking a holy step, I just can't succeed in it."

 

It makes me feel so frustrated and angry.

 

Then I try meditating, I try just a few breaths. Or I check out the emotional scale... But it doesn't work.

 

I feel impatience... Frustration... Powerlessness. I'm not like Jesus. How could I ever live like that? Why is this so hard?

 

And I just feel so horrible. I know how I'd like to feel, what life would make sense to feel like... But I'm feeling fucking horrible.

 

"Tomorrow won't be a day when I feel like a buddha either. I'm going to eat shit food again. Meditation is going to feel frustrating again. There will be no magic, no sudden success in happiness. No feeling of expansion and ineffable depth of holy sacredness."

 

I'm just some dude. Dude with very stupid petty problems. A depressed failure. Not like Jesus.

 

Who am I kidding? 

 

"Jesus and Buddha were some crazy talented exceptional souls. I have no chance being like that in this life. Fuck, will it take like a hundred more lifetimes to be like that?"

 

[Loop]

Jesus is all of our hearts brother,

What did they seek?

Just our True Nature,

No-one to be, other than Thee ☺️

 

This body moves without a thought, 

And can breath in sight and sound,

Just a few is enough,

Feeling always brings it around. 

 

[Blessed2]

@Loop 🙏

[Blessed2]

Right now spending a week at my parents.

 

Not feeling good about it.

 

An entire week... For some reason I'm in bad mood. I don't like being here. I'd like to be alone, or to be with friends somewhere else. It sucks to sleep here. I don't like spending time with them. I feel like I don't have enough space for myself. I want privacy and my own space.

 

Also not feeling like doing any new-years manifestation thing. I don't feel that juice flowing. There is no joy.

 

I just have to get through this week. Can't wait to get out if here.

 

Such a shame, to spend an entire week feeling like this. So many days wasted. I'll try to express and journal if it's any good.

 

I don't even know why I'm here. I didn't really even want to come. Now I'm stuck here wasting this whole week. I can't see how this week could be any better. There is just nothing to do. I don't feel like I can freely be myself and do what I want here, there isn't enough space.

 

I'd like to be on my own, it would be fun to just be relaxed by myself. When others are around I feel like I can't just relax and have fun.

 

I would like to drink and just watch TV or something. But I can't do that with my parents here. It's not the same, I can't enjoy the time when I feel like I need to play nice.

 

 

[Blessed2]

There's a running discordant theme...

 

That I need some way to make a positive / desireable / attractive impression on people.

 

I notice the mind goes looking for it... Quite often in a form of "spirituality", daydreaming how I'll be enlightened like Jesus, and finally I'll have a way to make impression on others.

 

I'd feel powerful and attractive. I'd feel like I'm enough, I'm special and so I have something people want. Something that would make me stand out, be better than others. I'd feel safe that I wouldn't be left for some other guy.

 

Quite a lot of it is insecurity around women. Quite often, almost every time, my first reaction is that "I couldn't do it, I couldn't attract this person, I couldn't please this person" etc. So I think I need to be somehow special, like more intelligent, spiritual, cabable than other men.

 

Though it doesn't feel good to think this way. It's a limiting thing. Thoughts that I should be doing this or that, to finally become an attractive, special person. That I should have this and that, achieve this and that, quit this or that etc. It's not fun, and it's something that happens within me quite often, almost constantly.

 

I'd like to let it go, just for the relief and peace of it.

 

A thought arises, "but if I never achieve anything, get it done, I'll just be boring and a nobody. I can't make an impression like that. I'll just be some introverted guy sitting in a corner, being in no way special or admirable."

 

Also what comes up is that I notice there is a feeling of insecurity around other men. Like there's a battle being fought within me, against other men. I look down to them, think I'm better. Think I'm more intelligent, spiritual etc. Cause deep down there's a belief I'm not as good, that they are more attractive, more fun, more cool and desireable people.

 

I wonder though, what life would feel like, if I let go this discord.

 

What would I do? How would I feel?

 

I'm not sure. Not sure if I even can let it go... It seems like this is a big chunk of my identity. Not sure if I even could be without it... What on earth would I do then? Wouldn't that just be boring? What is there to do other than this chasing?

 

Would I just sit around doing nothing? Would I just get fat and lazy?

 

"No no I could never attract that person. What do I have to offer? What makes me better than other men? How could I be more special? I need something. Otherwise I could never."

 

"I'm just a nobody. I'm not cool, not powerful, special. How could someone like that want me? I'm just a slob, quite disgusting actually."

 

[Blessed2]

Projection and judgement is weird.

 

I just noticed I projected / judged someone for the same exact thing I was doing or thoughts I was holding. And the other one probably had nothing to do with those things lol. I just assumed, projected and judged with no "evidence" or reason.

 

I wonder how it can be stopped. It seems to just happen by it's own accord.

 

It may be shame. I experienced shame, and did not want to see it within myself... So I chose someone else to project it onto. 🤔

 

Though of course, thoughts of shame feels off because the self-referential nature... I am not someone who thinks or does shameful things, which is why I experience the sting of discord when a thought like that appears.

 

Rather than hearing listening the message, the discord is projected on someone else.

 

 

Edited December 30, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Did some new year's affirmation magic.

 

The goals / dreams for the new year are:

 

- Liberation, just for how it feels!

 

- Letting go discordant beliefs & thoughts

 

And a word for the new year is:

 

- Happy!

 

😁😁🎉

[Blessed2]

I wonder what's up with the feeling-guidance in this example:

 

I was just answering someone's question on another forum and experienced emotion unworthiness/shame/guilt. There is/was a thought: "I don't really know what I'm talking about and am just trying to seem like a person who knows better, basically manipulation."

 

Though when I inspected that thought, I noticed the "why" it was believed is because of the experience of emotion doubt. Basically "I experience the emotion doubt so that means I don't know what I'm talking about."

 

🤔🤔🤔

 

So I wonder... It seems a bit like feeling is used as justification or reasoning for belief / thought. "I experience this emotion and it means I don't really know. It means I'm being dishonest."

 

I remember reading something along the lines of "discord is believed to feel as it does because it's true... But actually it feels as it does precisely because it is not true."

 

When you feel your conscience tapping your shoulder... Is it because you're doing something wrong, not listening what you 'deep down' know to be true and honest, or is it because the thought "I'm doing something wrong rather than listening / acting according to my conscience" is off?

 

@Mandy @Phil ?!

Edited January 6, 2023 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

Sounds like you're in a haze, and not sure what thought the feeling is responding to. Slow way down if you can. Does the way you are envisioning the person you are communicating with feel off, or does the doubt about what you're saying feel off? Slow down and watch your thoughts to see the difference, to see through that haze.

 

The Superego in psychology is the internalized voice of a parent or authority... someone who has the power to reprimand you, (and in the old paradigm of separate selves, has the power to make you feel really bad about yourself). In order to protect ourselves from this outward voice of correction and get yelled at by teacher, we are motivated by avoiding bad feeling and we internalize the voice and reprimand ourselves. We hurt ourselves for expressing what we really mean and feel, and warn ourselves whenever we feel joy that something bad might happen, feeling that we need to be on edge all the time. It's not truly that we internalized the voice, but that it always was our own thinking and interpreting, ignoring our feeling guidance.  Alertness is different from waiting for the hammer to fall, or the punch to land. I've adopted abused dogs, and I've raised dogs from puppyhood myself. Get out a roll of Christmas wrapping paper and the from 8 week old puppy raised dog wants to chase it, tear it and play with it, but do the same with the rescued dog and they shirk and hide in the corner. With the Superego, we are our own abusers, and it takes a practice of self love to feel safe and allow the clarity in. Then and only then can we truly hear our guidance, as we realize it isn't out to hurt us.

 

Kinda goes back to that vulnerability thing, doesn't it? Yesterday I thought from what I read that your posts were right on, very insightful and hilarious, in fact this stuck out to me. I'd guess you're just tapping into your creative expression, intuition, of insight, shedding the layers and the masks, and the superego voice just sounds very off right now, as it should. Listen for the real guidance. Love feels like love and your real guidance will never allow you to mistake anything else for it. Nor would you want it to. No more mistaking the gift wrapping for a potential hurt to be feared, but beauty in the unveiling. 

[Phil]

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

I wonder what's up with the feeling-guidance in this example:

 

I was just answering someone's question on another forum and experienced emotion unworthiness/shame/guilt.

Shame isn’t emotion. Shame is a concept, conceptual, and requires an interpretation or framing of identify as a finite separate self. Odds are in some manor the question on the forum was coming from confusion, from the framing of identifying as a separate finite self. If the answer is coming from the same framing, unworthiness to answer that question and guilt for doing so is guidance. 

 

It’s not a ‘problem’, no one did anything ‘wrong’; it’s guidance - insight, which was requested, asked for, and indeed is being given.

Is it being received is the question. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

There is/was a thought: "I don't really know what I'm talking about and am just trying to seem like a person who knows better, basically manipulation."

When the Buddha was asked if he preferred heaven or hell, he said hell. When asked why, he said there’s nothing for me to do in heaven. 

By all means - go to hell. But be most mindful of what you really are, and where you’ve willingly gone.

If ye thinks as devils think, ye does as devils do, and surely ye will feel as devils feel. 

The differentiating factor is receiving, or devilry (conceptualizing) of the guidance which tells ye so. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

Though when I inspected that thought, I noticed the "why" it was believed is because of the experience of emotion doubt. Basically "I experience the emotion doubt so that means I don't know what I'm talking about."

The ‘bread’ of hell is devilry, is doubt. Go to hell, experience vibration of. To play surprised is to play the fool. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

🤔🤔🤔

 

So I wonder... It seems a bit like feeling is used as justification or reasoning for belief / thought. "I experience this emotion and it means I don't really know. It means I'm being dishonest."

You sneaky, sneaky devil. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

I remember reading something along the lines of "discord is believed to feel as it does because it's true... But actually it feels as it does precisely because it is not true."

The fool pretends only a pinky toe is dipped in hell in utter denial of where one is standing. 

 

On 1/5/2023 at 9:55 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

When you feel your conscience tapping your shoulder... Is it because you're doing something wrong, not listening what you 'deep down' know to be true and honest, or is it because the thought "I'm doing something wrong rather than listening / acting according to my conscience" is off?

 

@Mandy @Phil ?!

If ye loiters at the gun range, sooner or later ye be shooting. If ye goes to the dance, sooner or later ye be dancing. If ye desires to share dancing at the gun range, ye best handle getting shot as Well. 

[Blessed2]

Omg I'm feeling so unwell.

 

My entire life feels like the worst hungover right now.

 

I don't see a relief. I don't know how to get better.

[Blessed2]

Days have passed in hurry and pursuit. Like the mind and body is in a constant state of distress.

 

I have tried to be present etc. but that has just been a part of the hurry and stress.

 

Small things seem like mountains. Stuckness and urgency. Burn out.

 

 

[Phil]

Sounds like doubt. 

[Blessed2]

Just had the first half or Reiki I and not feeling so good.

 

Didn't like the place, didn't like the teacher, didn't like the people there. It kind of sucked. Didn't even feel good doing Reiki or recieving it.

 

Felt like shit already when I woke up. Wasn't at all eager or excited about the class. More like anxious and really did not feel like going, but figured I'd still go. 

 

Really not feeling like going tomorrow either but I'll still probably go... I feel like even though it kind of sucks, it's the right thing to do. Maybe I'm just not "thinking straight" and feeling the discord. Obviously!

 

 

[Blessed2]

I thought I wanted to make a lot of money, to be "financially independent", to own a big house or two, have money to travel etc.

 

But you know what, fuck that.

 

That just brings stress and worry. The idea I need to make a lot of money, succeed materially in this life in order to be happy or something.

 

Happiness comes from within bros. It's just what you focus on. How you think.

 

I don't want to, nor am I giving a crap. Fuck "financial independence". If I'm gonna grind my ass off 9-5 and live broke in a rental apartment, okay! Fine to me.

 

Happiness and success is within. In focus. Alignment.

[Blessed2]

Long time no notice, insecurity / jealousy.

 

That others have and are something amazing, like intelligence, musical talent, something admirable.

 

I don't have anything like that, and I think no-one would admire me as I am.

 

But thoughts arise, and a desire to find something that people would admire me about.

 

Cause I don't have anything else I think I'm even a wee bit good at, it goes for spirituality.

 

"Maybe I'll be like Jesus and then people will admire me. Then people will see how intelligent and wise I am. People would think I understand and know things they don't. And they would think I'm admireable, good, valuable, desireable. Maybe I could perform miracles and siddhis and they would be astonished about me and finally give me the respect and admiration I want."

 

But who am I?

 

Am I a person who does things, has stuff, is or is not admired?

 

Where is that person?

 

There is sensations in the body

 

Sounds, sight, perceptions like that

 

There is thoughts

 

Is the "me" just a story? A thought-story?

 

Is it just something I can drop? Focus on something else?

 

Maybe there isn't that "me". Maybe it's just a thought... Something I can just let go... Just a story I tell myself.

 

Though let's continue...

 

Others have stuff... Youtube cannels, jobs, admirers, people who want them, are attracted to them. They have knowledge, they are enlightened, they can do stuff I could not... I'm bot enlightened. I don't know. I could not have a youtube channel like that.

 

They have houses, cars, mansions, beautiful homes and the financial freedom to do what they want.

 

I don't think I could have that. You need a well-paying job to have a big beautiful house. I have nothing to make money like that. Maybe I could make my own massage therapy place, but that doesn't make money like it. I should be like an investor, a doctor, a successful business person. A massage therapist, no. Not a thing that money flows to.

 

Even as I want to have a lot of money, I don't think I could pull that off. Way too much work for me, I'm not a person like that. Maybe if I was lucky I could somehow pull off something crazy like writing a succesful book or something. But I wouldn't bet on it.

 

Would like to be more eager about the school, about making new friends, new relationships, possible being a massage therapist in the future, maybe even starting a family... But really, I'm not at all sure if that would work out. Do things ever really work out? Is there success in life? I haven't been tasting it.

 

I have not even been able to eat healthy lately. Just carbage food day after day. I would like to eat better, to feel better, to really do better, but that just hasn't been working out. I haven't been feeling so good about how I look, how I feel about myself. I don't think I'm a desireable person and so days are just being wasted.

 

It's been a rough couple of days. I have some flu. Really not been having the energy and been feeling very drained and just tired of it. Life just hasn't been lighthearted, easy, exciting. More like draining, doubtful, "not possible for me", unaligned. Like life isn't working out like I'd want it to be, and my dreams are out of reach. Like it justs isn't working out and magic & wishes fulfilling doesn't exist.

 

My raw organic meal powder has been stuck in delivery for like a week overdue now. I've just been waiting for it so I could finally have those shakes again, and eat even a little bit healthier. It spent like two weeks stuck in France for some reason.

 

Oh, and my studies continued this week, had a new group with new possible friends. But then I got sick after the day 1 and now I missed the whole first week. I'd just like for the flu to be done already. It sucks. So tired and drained feeling in the body. Not fun.

 

This is useless! Why am I even trying? Every day is the same, what kind of insight or shift could even happen for things to change? A freaking miracle. And even that I think might not be enough. I can't see how my life could change... Or even be seen differently.

 

There's the same feeling, maybe I failed the scale. Jeez I really don't want to start it all over again from some doubt or something.

 

Frustrating isn't it?

 

Yeah.

 

Allow the feeling to come. You have room for all feelings. There is no hurry, you don't need to get forward on the scale. It's alright how it is now. Just see how you're feeling.

 

But it's not! I want to feel better.

 

lol maybe I don't actually want to feel... this.

 

what do I feel? What do I experience?

 

Doubt, worry.

 

There is no need to put it into words. Is there? Can it even be put into words really?

 

Worry that I might not be able to do it, to succeed, and be secure and happy.

 

Doubt if I can succeed, to make it. If it's possible to me.

 

Worry that something horrible might happen. Mainly that I might die.

[Blessed2]

Again a discordant thought to be healed.

 

There is so much to be healed in me. Like a 1000 beliefs and assumptions.

 

How will I ever get it done?

 

My whole life should change. How things are now are not even close to how they should be.

 

How can I relax and enjoy this moment and this day when I know I should be working, making the right decisions and managing to succeed in the future.