blessed journal

[Blessed2]

@James is here Yeah, I've felt a bit better. 🙂 Especially quitting caffeine was a good idea, I've felt way more centered. 

 

[Blessed2]

I don't feel safe

 

Like I've been left alone with these feelings and troubles

 

I don't know what the future brings

 

I don't think I can make it by myself

 

I don't think I can meditate

 

eat healthy

 

do what needs to be done

 

and be alright

 

I don't think I can.

 

Alone I'm so bored

 

so frustrated and anxious

 

so incompetent and stuck

 

it smells like hell

 

I don't want to go back being alone

 

 

[Blessed2]

I feel worried it will never pass

 

So intense feeling of stuckness and inability to liberate and enjoy

 

I fear I'll go nuts and break something or hurt something

 

I fear this emotion will never pass, never end

 

It would be hell, just horrible

 

I hope the only way isn't surrender or something like that

 

Because I can't do it and it would probably take a long time until I could

 

I'm sad, I'm sad

 

everything hurts

 

 

This is who I am

 

I worry worry worry constantly worry

 

I'm like a child, constant tantrum, constantly falling down and crying

 

everyone can see, everyone knows

 

 

[Phil]

There’s no reason to ‘get out of your head’, to let go of self referential thought stories, to let go of the weight of suffering, to favor alignment. 

There is a reason, and you create it, and it’s what’s written on the dreamboard. 

Allowing what you want into perception is actually allowing what you want into perception. 

Thought is really overrated. 🙏🏻 Such a tiny piece of the puzzle. 1% at best. 

[Blessed2]

What if I'm alone in this universe?

 

What if I go crazy? What if I go broken and there is no coming back?

 

What if I will live in terror?

 

What if I will die?

 

What if I just cannot face it, cannot feel the terror? What if I just can't, what if I just can't?

 

What if I just can't and am blown into pieces? Into madness, terror, pain

 

And all I wanted, all I wanted is long gone

 

What if there is no security, only fear

 

What is joys and desires are just lies, self-deception

 

Will it ever end? Will there ever be peace at last, happiness at last?

 

 

[Blessed2]

I can't but just breathe. But it brings no relief, losing it lies too close

 

Days of drinking behind, I feel the bad vibes in my system

 

Who am I kidding? It won't help to write

 

Dark dark fear. I've been here before. It seems so real. Seems so imminent.

 

Fear fear fear it's fear

 

Imminent, so close, like staring me. Fear. Like a shadow. 

 

 

Is this day wasted again? Is it false, is it wrong, is it my shortcoming? The hangover. Feeling the bad vibes. Feeling the shortcoming. Feeling the shame. Feeling the "this is not what real spirituality is". "You're lying to yourself." "It's just a pink cloud." "You're nothing, it's a shortcoming, it's a lie, a falsity, you're just a silly dude, a nobody, a loser, cringy, ridiculous, ignorant little egoboy."

 

 

Edited October 31, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Hopeless hopeless hopeless hopeless hopeless hopeless hopeless hopeless it's hopeless

 

No way no way

 

It cannot be done

 

Way too much. Way too hard. Impossible. I can never make it.

 

Not in my control

 

The more I try the more it sticks

 

And I cannot stop trying

 

I can't stop trying! I can't surrender by choice!

 

The next week is going to SUCK!

 

The whole month is going to SUCK

 

No matter how much I try I can't make it go away and neither can I stop trying to make it go away.

 

I'm STUCK

 

I'm stuck being me, being this fucking mess

 

 

[Phil]

Give it to God. 

[Blessed2]

I don't want that.

 

I don't want to constantly worry and make effort and stress and try and work.

 

I don't want to carry the burden.

 

I don't want to stress and work so that I can have the money, the loving relationship, the sex, the awakening, the whatever. I don't want to try become special, loved, admired, rich, active, successful, cool and attractive. It SUCKS trying to be that. It wears me out. It makes me tired. It makes me depressed. It makes me pessimistic and angry.

 

I've tried all that, I've tried being admired, smart, attractive, special. I've really tried. No joke. That's what's up. Full honesty. I've tried to make an impression. I've tried to be a human everyone looks up to and loves and adores and wants to be with. Who would be loved by his friends and partners. But it hasn't worked.

 

I cannot be that, I can never get there. It's just thought, imagination, a mirage. I'll never be that, because I'm here now. I don't even want to be there either, since it just seems like a horrible fucking pressure.

 

Whatever I try, my breath will always smell like shit. I will always kinda look funny and weird and not like a movie star. I will always pick my nose and do other nasty things. I will always be lazy and inactive, I will never 'get there'.

 

It's killing me. I just want to let go the burden. I want to drop the baggage.

 

I'd rather just drop the baggage.

 

 

[Blessed2]

I'm feeling frustrated and impatient because it seems impossible and too far away to find someone good for me, "the one".

 

It seems impossible. I can't do this waiting anymore. I'm constantly feeling impatient. It's just so boring and kind of meaningless to be without somebody. It feels like there is no point in anything if there isn't someone interesting and exciting.

 

I've tried looking for that spark, that excitement, "the one", but I haven't found them. I've gone through Tinder but really just none of them has given that spark... Or maybe some do a bit, or maybe there is something small in many people I like, but there is no "the one".

 

It's SO BORING to be alone. Knowing there isn't anyone here with me tonight. Knowing there isn't anyone to talk to, nothing in the future to feel eager about, just... Nothing fun. Nothing exciting.

 

I've been waiting for someone special, someone who would make things finally right. That I could finally start enjoying life. That I would finally feel good. Though I'm starting to think that there is no such person. It's just a thought, an idea, an imagined future. That there is no "the one", or a perfect girlfriend.

 

I find so many people attractive. It's like endless desire. And it can be super intense. I wonder if it's possible to ever be fully satisfied intimacy - wise. Cause even if you are satisfied for a moment, the longing and desire always comes back. And sometimes it's directed toward other people, sometimes others again. It changes. It seems like an impossible game, something you can't win. Eventually I grow old and no-one will desire me, and eventually I will die. It seems impossible to ever satisfy all this desire and attraction.

 

There is SO MANY women I find attractive. How could I ever be satisfied like this? It feels super discordant.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Sometimes it feels like even sex isn't enough. Sometimes I feel such a strong attraction and longing that sex isn't enough, nothing physical is. Then I'd just want to lose myself, and be one with them. I'd want to merge our bodies and minds together. I'd like to fall in love, truly fall in love. 

 

 

[Blessed2]

On 10/23/2022 at 12:01 AM, Phil said:

😂 Your next trip’s gonna be soooooooo boring. 

 

You were right btw. Currently spending a week at my parents and it's SO boring. An entire week and nothing fun coming. Nothing exciting to look for.

 

The next trip's gonna be pretty okay then. 😁

[Phil]

😂 

[Blessed2]

Will I be feeling better soon?

 

will

 

I

 

ever

 

get

 

what

 

I

 

want ?

 

Will this struggle ever end? How will it end?

 

Why is this struggle?

 

Will I ever

 

feel good

 

feel complete

 

and exhilirated

 

at peace

 

happy

 

and finally rest?

 

 

Burning urgency + doubt and worry

 

like flames in my back

 

life seems so shitty

 

so hard, so unenjoyable

 

everything is a struggle

 

I don't think I can ever get through it

 

people around me seem bad, evil

 

they don't accept me

 

the world is a struggle

 

nothing works, nothing is easy and effortless

 

what can I do but just

 

lay here and die, suffer

 

life wasn't meant for me

 

 

[Mandy]

 

[Blessed2]

On 11/5/2022 at 4:04 AM, Phil said:

Give it to God. 

 

A question... It's extremely hard to put into words because it's more about feeling and the energy. So I hope you catch the vibe....

 

Frustration, pessimism, impatience, powerlessness, despair has sort of been a theme for some while, and in the past few days more apparent. It sort of feels like a knot that cannot be opened, just incabable to feel better, worry it never passes, just horrible. Haven't found words to really describe it, which also worries me a bit. Can't 'get it out'. Like a pressure that builds and builds.

 

I couldn't sleep and that same feeling was rampant, so I felt like stretching a bit and relaxing to the pose, and really feelin it. Allowing it.

 

Then I just lied down and focused on breathing, and 'gave it to God'... And there was something that I've encountered before. This is the 'extremely hard to put into words' part. About a year ago I noticed something while experiencing fear and panic. I did the same thing, I just focused on breathing and sort of did not go down with the panicy thoughts. The feeling of fear diminished greatly and things got more grounded and centered. Ever since the fear and panic has not been a big trouble like it used to be. Though when doing the breathing thing, and not going down with the thoughts, there was also certain doubt and worry. That maybe I was doing something wrong by focusing on breathing and not focusing on the thoughts. Cause it's sort of too easy. Maybe I'm just averting from the feeling by focusing on breathing, rather than feeling it fully and getting through with it. 

 

Same thing today. Felt the same worry and doubt, cause it seemed too easy, like I should try to keep fixing it. Like I'm just brushing it under the rug and not really doing what needs to be done. Though at the same time it sort of does feel 'right', and does bring a sense of relief etc.

 

I'm wondering if it's just brushing it under the rug or am I on the right path here?

[Phil]

You’re on the right path there. 

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Frustration, pessimism, impatience, powerlessness, despair

When these emotions are felt, and / but the thoughts are believed to be true anyways, that is ‘sweeping it under the rug’. (Not listening to the guidance / sweeping the guidance under the rug / continuing to suffer).

 

When attention is (gently, effortlessly pls) taken from thoughts and put on feeling breathing… that’s willingness (not stubbornness 🙂) to feel, to listen to source / feeling… and what’s noticed is those emotions were how certain thoughts felt… and for the willingness to listen to the guidance, some relief from those thoughts is felt. 

 

Momentum happens. So the more willingness to listen, the more clarity and good-feeling is allowed, and the more magical reality is revealed to be.

 

The guidance is to what you want.

When you think ‘I want this’… and thoughts arise about how you can’t have this, or aren’t enough as you are to receive this, you feel source ‘saying’ - but you can have this! You are already enough! I’m already being it - just allow it! Just be willing to receive it!

[Blessed2]

Man is the study - job - carreer thing bumming me out.

 

I know I should go to school, I know I should do the work.

 

I'm being lazy.

 

I feel shame that I'm so lazy and just don't get anything done.

 

The school just doesn't feel good. I don't want to go there because I got no friends and just nothing interesting or fun there. Even the building sucks, it's just not a fun atmosphere at all. It makes me sick to think I need to spend time there. I feel so heavy and tired. Even eating feels weird there.

 

I feel dissapointed at myself. How will my parents react? What will I do? Do I just drop out? I can't waste time like this. How can I be happy here-now when I don't know what future brings? What will happen? Will I drop out and fuck everything up?

 

I can't take this anymore. I'm wasting time.

 

I would have wanted this to work. I imagined myself getting the job done and becoming a massage therapist. I'd be proud about that. And maybe I could have a job I somewhat enjoy. Maybe even my own company. I could be somebody. I would feel proud that I know how to give massage therapy and I would be a professional.

 

But I just don't have what it takes, not now. So I'm just a nobody, and a disappointment, a loser, I get nothing done and I just spend every day doing nothing. I feel ashamed.

 

I don't see how I could make my life work. How I could do what has to be done. How I could just have what it takes, even for a simple education.

 

Constantly just worry worry worry, not a moment of peace.

 

 

[Blessed2]

@James is here Awesome. I'm happy to hear. Thanks 🙏🙏

[Blessed2]

I guess I'm experiencing doubt. 

 

It's a weird feeling. Might have gone unnoticed before.

 

It's uncomfortable. A bit like standing in front of a gap between rocks and getting ready to jump to te other side. Not sure if you can jump that far.

 

I don't think I can. It's just so hard to wake up in the morning and go to school. It's hard and uncomfortable to be there, to have the classes, to talk with people, to feel lonely and insecure.

 

Makes me want to stay in the bed. Cause what if I fail? What if I really just can't do it? What then? That would mean I just fail completely. That I fail life. That I'm not good for anything.