blessed journal

[Phil]

Thoughts of one which’s let’s go in a future melt away in feeling and perception; and feeling and perception in loving. 

[Blessed2]

Some discord coming up to light today.

 

Certain melancholy and sadness, grief.

 

Quite ungraspable and unexplainable where it 'comes from'.

 

Perhaps: First time you feel it, it might make you sad...

 

Doesn't matter how much I ever 'put into it', it's never me. It's always source. Always source's kindness and generosity.

 

Kind of watching a sea, unthinkably large ocean. Those waves washing up on the shore... So beautiful, so unique each one of them. I wonder how far away & how long time ago they formed, how long did it take for them to touch the shore. All this time, they were just drifting in that unthinkably great silence of an ocean. Now they come, and only last a short while. And then, back to formless.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Some time ago somehow just got an idea that maybe massage therapy could be a good carreer fit for me. I got in. The school starts in two months.

 

What's making me worried is something that's been constantly worrying and frustrating me many years now.

 

Basically it's that I don't know what I want to do, I don't have any passions, and I don't really enjoy doing anything. It sucks. I'd like to have even some hobby that like actually would make me feel better but I haven't found any. I envy people who find their passion, inspiration + joy in something, like music, sports, art or gaming etc. And some even gets to do that for living, and make good money from it.

 

I'm worried that I will feel the same way about the school, that massage therapy will neither be any interesting or inspiring for me, and I'll just feel disappointed once more about myself and the world.

 

Also, I think that it's necessary to enjoy something, to do something, to be good at something. Because it seems that I really need money to live. I need money to have a nice house, a car, to travel, to buy stuff. So I'd like to have a carreer, but it seems so hard to do because nothing makes me want to really get up in the morning. Oh, and the irony is that even if I did have money, I wouldn't really have anything to spend it on that I would feel passion or joy from.

 

I feel angry about this. Sometimes it makes me think that something is wrong with me. Of course there should be something I want to do, something I truly enjoy. But it really seems I can't find anything. Why am I like this? Did god make a mistake with me or something? I think it would be kind of reasonable to have some passion or interest or enjoyment from something if I also have to live in this world where people need to do stuff in order to eat and survive. It would be kind of reasonable to be a human who can do work and not feel miserable about it. 

 

Sometimes it makes me think why can't I just be a gnome. I've always kind of wanted to be a gnome. Yes, the folklore dwarf thing. Would be cool to just live in a cottage in woods, under some old tree. And spend my time partying + doing magic with elves and other magic spirit creatures. Would just chill smoking a pipe. And make anyone I meet happier with my magic.

 

Or maybe it would be cool to be a secret gnome in human world. To have a human body, do human things. But secretly know gnome stuff and gnome magic. And could always go meet secret gnome & elf friends in magic forests.

 

What do gnomes feel? What is their world like? They are probably quite chill creatures. They know magic exist and how to do it. It's in their blood. They don't fear death, there is no death for them. So they got nothing to fear. They are always with magic friends who can help them in anything. They always feel safe because magic creatures can do anything they want. They live in nature which never dies. Humans fear and worry about the forests dying and even the planet & the universe ending at some point. But gnomes live in eternal forests. In eternal magic forests they feel limitless and unified with everything. Nothing lacks. Just beauty and good times. Just partying and friendship. Paradise.

[Blessed2]

"Self expression doesn't work for me because I don't have the means to express intensely enough. Writing can't be enough. Writing is just writing. There is no cathartic emptying. I don't feel like I empty if I write."

 

What do I feel right now?

 

I'm not sure. Not good. I'm bored. And I don't think this is going to be a good day.

 

There is a strange feeling. I don't know what it's called. I don't know if it's on the emotional scale.

 

It comes when I'd like to feel good, but I don't. It's when I visualize myself feeling better, but I'm so disappointed and pessimistic and frustrated that it sucks to try hope that I'd feel better in the future.

 

It's kind of "I'm so tired and resentful about hoping to feel better that it makes me feel disgusted."

 

Feeling better seems so impossible, so out of reach that I get frustrated, angry, discouraged and generally just closed off and resentful. I'd want to blame everyone and everything.

 

I can't really do anything about it. It's not something I have control over. It's not my fault. There is so much stuff, so many thoughts, so much discord, so much doubt, so much baggage and suffering, so much doubt, too much for me to carry. I can't do it. It's too much for me.

 

It's not for me to carry. I'm not intended for that. I can feel it's not my job. It's sources job. Source, you put me here. You gave me this stuff. You made me lost in this place. You made me forgot and do all these mistakes. You made me weak and blind and lost. You give me these experiences.

 

So you clean it up. You do it. It's not my job. It's your fault. It can't be on me, because I have no fucking idea who I am and what anything is and what's going on.

 

You wanted me to be here. You wanted me to have these things. So it's your job. I'm not gonna take the blame. I can't carry this burden. I wasn't intended for it.

 

I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I don't want to do it anymore.

[Blessed2]

On 5/30/2022 at 4:19 PM, Phil said:

Well now that’s just beautiful. 

🎯

 

Some good news. Just wanted to tell you about it...

 

Been having some trouble in my relationship, a lot of discord coming up, a lot of wondering if she is right for me, a lot of doubt and worry, a lot of serious talks, a lot of expressing and 'trying to make it work'.

 

But today new clarity. Emotional awareness, following guidance and the stream, and the emotional scale... It's working. This relationship has been a crazy learning experience, a blessing really.

 

It (the discord) has never been about her. There is nothing wrong about her, she is just right, a wonderful woman. We are good together. I can totally be happy in this relationship. And I want to be happy with her!

 

It has been about me, my discordant thoughts. Thoughts might make it seem like it's about her, but it isn't. It's me and my discord... Nothing she is or does is "wrong" or "not right for me". What feels off, is my thoughts. It's a me problem, not a 'she or us' problem.

 

A great learning experience and a blessing indeed.

 

Eager to shed light on the discord, to empty the cup. I know source is 100% with me in this relationship. I can feel the flow. The flow is saying "This relationship is totally awesome. You are totally awesome. You are both totally awesome. Inspect the discord, empty the cup, and it will be just GREAT!"

[Blessed2]

Alright. Our trip begins in 4 days. Across europe by train. It'll be about a month.

 

Been doing suprizingly good. There is many years of mental health and other issues behind. A year ago I could not have believed I'd be doing something like this, but here we are. Dreamboard 😌

 

I'm surprised how centered, peaceful and secure I've felt. Such a positive thing. I've actually felt excited and eager to go! This is such a great possibility for growth and self-discovery. Just the planning and managing the trip has already been an adventure.

 

Though today came some trouble. We noticed that we had accidentally mixed up some hostel reservations. Literally put the wrong month when booking the room. So we had to book another. It seemed alright first and we booked it, but then we noticed that it was kind of weird. It seemed like the hostel was placed in some big night-life part of the city. A street full of bars, known for all-night partying. We were kind of surprised and laughed about it, since it seemed like it was going to be noisy as hell and filled with drunk people. But then it got weird, as we noticed the owner of the hostel seemed a bit of an ass, and all the reviews said that it's almost impossible to sleep there since there was a club downstairs, smoking was allowed inside, and the hostel was kind of marketed for being close to a red-light district. It was a place for hard partying, not sleeping or peaceful travel.

 

So we cancelled our reservation and booked a more expensive (but peaceful) place. Had to go a bit over our budget there.

 

It's all right now, but somehow I started feeling a bit weird and anxious. Something about the fact that I completely missed where that hostel was and what it was about made me anxious. I don't want to end up in uncomfortable or dangerous streets and hostels. It's a bit hard to know what to trust and what you might miss when booking rooms online. Especially when the budget isn't that big.

 

We also booked a place in Italy, our main destination. An airbnb cottage in a small village. The owner seems nice, and everything seems legit and good. We're going to spend 9 days there. The place is quite remote. There is no neighbours, it's literally just somewhere in a forest near a small village. That makes me a bit uneasy. What if some serial killer comes after us horror movie style?

 

Or what if our phones break (all tickets and reservations are online), or what if we are robbed? Or assaulted?

[Blessed2]

I do doubt. I ancknowledge I doubt.

[Blessed2]

Politics kind of fucking sucks.

 

I mean the confromity, group-think, polarization etc.

 

The whole political atmosphere and discourse smells like there's a hidden mountain of poop somewhere. And there is! It's obvious! It's so obvious... Everyone can feel it. Everyone knows what a fucking shitshow it is. 

 

No matter if you're leftist, right-wing, conservative, liberal, whatever. It all smells like secret poop. Though today I'm especially smelling poop from ya postmodern leftists for some reason. Probs because I kinda lean to your side.

 

For me it all seems like pretty much just ego bullshit. Conformity. Shaming. Out-and-in-group. Projection.

 

The nonsense on the Actualized forum. Spiral dynamics blah blah this and that. It's so obviously just ego nonsense, thought-attachment. Yet there is like a billion arguments when the obvious bullshit is noted and pointed to. It's because you avert from the real problem, which is how you feel. You feel doubt, shame, unworthiness, fear etc. But you miss the emotion and guidance with the politics game. It's all just aversion.

 

Right-wing or left-wing, you still don't know fucking shit about anything. You're clueless and lost. And no, the opposing group is not "more ignorant". You're exactly the same. You're both just projecting.

 

Oh, you're so smart? You've read the best books and watched the best videos? You get how it all works, you and your friends know the best? So damn annoying. It's clearly just fear, shame, conformity... Group-think. It's obvious but you're just so damn stubborn you just run away to the usual group-think.

 

I can't keep with the nonsense much longer. When I can't stand the bullshit anymore, will probably be bit of an outcast.

[Blessed2]

Life kind of sucks as well, just like politics.

 

There is constantly some fear or anxiety. There is never just peace and relaxation and happiness. It fucking sucks.

 

I've heard that "you gotta face your fears" and whatever but that's really just bad and ignorant advice. You can't "face your fears". That's what being afraid means. It means you can't face it. That's the thing.

 

And I can't even control my fear, so I am totally out of control of my life.

 

Fucking unfair and annoying and bullshit. I'd like to have just a moment of peace. But no, it's all just shit. No matter what anyone says. No-one will, or can help me.

 

Also I fucking hate the fake me. Each time I go to a grocery store or something, the fake me just pops up. Can't move and be and talk relaxed and authentic. It just somehow happens, can't stop it. And it disgusts me.

 

Constantly thinking if I'm good looking, sexy, interesting, worthy enough. And I can't stop it! It just happens! It's so heavy and annoying.

 

I'm constantly waiting for that time I'll finally be done. When everything will finally be alright. But it has never come. I don't know how much more do I need to wait. How much longer insecurity, fear, shame, unworthiness, anger, frustration, doubt... How much longer?!? How much more suffering until it finally magically ends?!

 

Maybe it's because I don't really want it to end. Maybe it's because somehow I want the fear, doubt, insecurity etc.

 

God damn constant struggle and suffering.

 

I feel unworthy. Other people seem to have it so easy. They just somehow manage to do it. They clean their house, pay their bills, have a job, make money. Others just somehow manage to grow up and become a functioning adult. But I'm still stuck in this same shit. It's trouble for md to read impirtsnt emails. To clean the house. To wash the clothes and dishes. To go to school.

 

I have trouble thinking it's possible to me to ever have an actual job. I just can't do that. Can't wake up early. Can't take responsibility.

 

No woman would ever actually like me. I can't be an actual adult to live a life with, to desire, to make plans with. I can't compete with other men. I'm still just some kid who can't support even himself. People can probably smell that in me from miles away. They can smell the immature failure I am.

 

God how would I like to just somehow let it go, to let it be. So that I could finally relax and walk and talk and dress and do and be what I am without trying to impress others.

 

Wtf is wrong with me? Why is this such a damn struggle and fight for me? What am I doing wrong? I've tried for such a long time... Somehow I just can't do it. Somehow life is just this damn suffering and disappointment and overall just shit.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Feelin quite pessimistic.

 

I can never go where I want to be. It's impossible. There is just so much bullshit and carbage in me that there is no way I could ever work through it.

 

It's impossible for me to ever be truly satisfied. I'm so fucking broken mentally that there is no way. I don't know what it is. Maybe ADD or heavy metal poisoning or something. It's just constant battle. Even the smalles enjoyment or relief is rare and always uncertain.

 

Recently started studying in a new school and it hasn't been that good. It's a fight too. And it's way too much. Having trouble seeing how I could ever graduate or like actually have a carreer. I'm really just like a child, I can't do it. The simplest tasks are hard for me. Somehow my mind is so unfocused and all over the place.

 

Something is totally wrong with me. And it sucks because I don't even have the energy to fix it. Just too damn tired and unmotivated.

 

I'm like a lazy blob of poop. Total failure. Really.

 

I'm constantly trying to feel even a bit better, and always I hit a brick wall. It happens every time. There is no point anymore. I've spent years trying to get somehwere. To heal. But it's always the same disappointment and failure.

[Blessed2]

Sometimes I see dreams that are just so damn beautiful and joyful I miss it after I wake up.

 

Saw one just like that last night. Everything in that dream was just so... Delicious. Beautiful. Joyful. Adventurous. HAPPY!

 

Why does the real waking world feel so shit and some dreams so great?

 

For example, buildings and towns are just so much more beautiful and just better in dreams. At times I miss those dream landscapes and houses so much. They might be like actual towns I know and have visited, but still different and somehow just so much more exciting and fun.

 

Okay to be fair, every now and then there are moments, just a second or two, when real waking life feels like that too.

 

But I still doubt whether it's possible to ever be happy like that. And I fear that somehow I must die or have an ego death or something to "get there". To lose this solid waking world and go somehwere surreal dream-like world.

 

Would like this solid waking world feel like that. Feel like that always.

 

It was just so damn happy. I'd like my life to be exactly like that dream was.

 

Damn. Many of these dreams are now bubbling up from memory as I write this. So, so happy places. Sunshine. Trees. People. Rivers. Houses.

 

God I miss those places so much. And it makes me sad that they don't really exist, that I can't just go live there. 

[Blessed2]

Saw a weird dream last night.

 

I was in some city, and there was a war or a battle there. Though it wasn't like a usual modern war. It was some neighbour city or Russia or something attacking, and there was like an agreed time and place for the battle. It would be done with fists and knives and swords.

 

Other men around me was planning and preparing for it, somehow even excited and proud. I was scared and didn't want it. I was kinda like "wtf do you guys realize that you're gonna be hacked with swords and knives and die?" I kind of hid from it in some building (with my mom maybe?) and was anxious as to when the battle begins and how horrible it might be, and that somehow I'll need to fight too.

 

Well, the battle came and went, and they kinda just stopped fighting and agreed to continue later. It was like a sport tournament, but still a lethal battle. Some people had died and there was some people with bleeding wounds etc. But the men that fought were for some reason really happy that the battle happened. They were crying from the joy and happines that they could partake in that war. It was really weird. I was like wtf is wrong with you.

[Blessed2]

Feelin a bit down.

 

Woke up kind of brain foggy and tired.

 

It annoys me that it is pretty much my own fault. Drank a lot of alcohol this weekend. Also did not eat very healthy. 

 

Feelin quilty and unworthy for doing this mistake and now I'm suffering because of it.

 

So this day is probably going to be wasted in this brainfog and tiredness and stuck.

[Phil]

Focus on what you want, not on thoughts about a separate self. 🙂

 

[Blessed2]

I'm feeling stressed out about money. It's been a reoccuring stress and worry for a long time. Since childhood even.

 

Not because my family had trouble with money, because I had. I was and still am a very relentless user of money. I spend it easily. Each time I get some money, I just spend it all quickly and recklessly.

 

I find myself constantly worried and stressed out about my economic situation. It's like money just doesn't want to stay with me. It seems like there is always some new bill overdue, some new debt, and each month I find myself in the same 'pit'. Even though I manage to pay most of the bills, most of the debt, somehow it comes back and the stress and worry and guilt persists.

 

Of course my parents have tried to make me learn and change. I remember even as a child I used to secretly spend the little money I got to candy and stuff like that. And each time I felt the stingy guilt and shame. I remember going in debt for my friends.

 

I feel ashamed of how recklessly and poorly I manage my money. Especially with my parents. So many times they have had to help me because I've spent it all on booze or nonsensical shopping etc. I don't like them asking any questions about my money situation or anything like that, because I feel like I've always done something wrong, always spent it wrongly. I can't be open about my bills and debts etc. It has gone as far as to even feeling the sting of shame and guilt for literally buying stuff like food, clothes etc. And also feeling it each time I open the bank account on my phone and see how much I got left.

 

 

[Blessed2]

I wonder what is keeping me stuck in the rut.

 

I'm feeling inspired and like actually interested in the massage therapy I'm studying, but there is still the same "laziness" and unwillingness to take the responsibility etc. what comes to studying. Skipping classes etc.

 

One thing thst comes to mind is the money problem I talked about yesterday. The future doesn't seem that good. I cannot just pay all my debt and stuff like that right now. It takes time and would also take some planning and saving money etc. to get it done. It would require that I actually take a look at my financial situation and plan how to manage it. And it makes me overwhelmed and kind of hopeless. As if I could never get it done. Also it makes me ashamed. That I'm constantly out of money. That I cannot pay all the bills and stuff.

 

It feels like "the mountain" mentioned now and then.

 

It feels like an impossible task, to get it all managed. And it makes me uninspired to do the studying etc. Because I somehow feel unworthy(?) or something. Because the near future seems so bleak and it's stressing me out. 

 

Also maybe believing something like "even if studied, even if I had the carreer, I would still feel unworthy and guilty and overwhelmed about my finances etc."

 

What the shame feels like is when I see people who are responsible and manage their money like a real grown-up should. Somehow they get their pills paid etc. without getting overwhelmed. And then there's me, the unresponsible, reckless, kind of the unsuccesful loser who get nothing done. Others seem to have their life in order but I'vd got it all messed up. 

Edited September 11, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

I've had a couple of days kind of this backlash, falling back to the old patterns. Skipping school, self-pity, stubbornness, fear etc.

 

I had a better few days before though. I felt so much bettet than usual. Somehow just randomly managed to clean up the diet. Felt good about going to school and stuff like that. But now I've felt the same "running from" responsibility etc.

 

Really feeling the insecurity and unworthiness right now. Feeling the body and how it doesn't look like I'd want it to. Feeling the doubts if I can ever succeed and live a life I want.

 

Been also wondering about how I've thought about women, what I've believed about dating etc. I'm noticing how much discord there is.

 

These times when the discord comes up and feel like poop really make me want to just give up, be lazy, skip school, run from responsibilities, just lie down doing nothing. And turn to addictions and compulsions. That's what I've done for years now though. So might as well try something different. It will probably bring up some strong emotions etc.

 

Especially the fear of failure, "I don't think I have what it takes", unworthiness, insecurity is coming up quite starkly. Some doubts if I can let those perspectives and beliefs go. Whether I'll fall back to the rut. Worrying if the future will be fear and suffering.

[Blessed2]

I've felt quite depressed for a couple of weeks now.

 

Not sure why. Though there has been a lot of changes lately. Been changing diet. Changed for a lower-nicotine product. Been experimenting with the loophole shake. Also been drinking alcohol a lot for some reason.

 

I don't know why I've been drinking so much. Usually it's because I feel so bored and unable to really enjoy anything, to feel enjoyment or relief. So I look for it in alcohol.

 

Also the shift for less nicotine hasn't been as easy as I'd hope it to be. Damn I hate being addicted.

 

I feel like I can't do it. Can't quit nicotine. Can't do better in life. Though these are just thoughts and will probably pass. But still, it suck right now because it seems like the depression and this prison of addiction and suffering is very real.

 

Waking up in the morning sucks. Pretty much the first stuff I feel is depression and some sort of anxiety. I knos this is probably just a phase, life teaching stuff or something. Basically my focus is on depressing stuff.

 

Though I'm feeling angry at the universe. I don't like the way I feel. I don't like that I am addicted. I don't like that my money situation is messed up.

 

It feels a bit better to be angry. Also not being so stuck thinking whether I'm writing properly. Really just throwing out words and sentences, not thinking if others understand what I'm saying. Just getting it out there.

 

You know what has been feeling like shit for some time? I've been worried and anxious about what I can say or write. At times I'd like to say stuff like "fuck I hate life, I don't want to live like this, this life is shit and I want it to end" etc. But then I get worried that I might attract those things. That I might manifest death or something.

 

I hate that thought. I hate that I might accidentally attract stuff I don't want. I hate that I need to be worried about what might happen, what I might manifest.

 

I've been carrying such heavy baggage. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty anymore. It annoys me how people around me is somehow so 'fixed' in their thinking. There is so little room. People think I'm fixed thing. They think what I think and feel is fixed and don't change, like some sort of physical truth. Just give me some room. Let me talk about how I feel and don't take it personally. It's just bullshit I need to get out of the system. The true me, what I want for me and everyone is way better than that.

 

I know what is best for me and others. I know what I want and I know how much better things could be if we just relaxed a bit. Alignment is so obviously good and true. Just open the mind a bit. Feel how much better freedom and letting go feels.

 

It's weird how depression feels like. Literally the space feels different. Being feels different. The buildings and places and vibes are different. The body feels different. It makes me feel a bit hopeless and overwhelmed because that shows how deeply the depression is rooted.

 

I'm constantly changing. I'm not fixed. These things don't happen to the real me. People mistake me for the false, stinking poop of a human when I'm not wanting to identify with that.

 

 

[Blessed2]

Experiencing the emotions doubt and worry today.

 

It's not the first time I've faced this 'pickle' or what I've called 'a brick wall'.

 

Thinking if it's possible to know anything. If it's possible to be sure about anything, and hence feel at peace. Or am I going to doubt forever.

 

This is one of those pickles I assume I have to 'get through' in order to be happy, to be truly at peace. Otherwise there would always be that underlying doubt, worry, unease... Worrying if the world is bad, if everything is not going to be 'fine in the end' after all...

 

There is the same sense of sort of 'urgency' as before. Worrying this might be hell, eternal doubt and uncertainty. 

 

There is really not much to say about it. I don't think I have really anything I can do, except just be and see what happens.

 

...

 

Actually, this isn't what 'doubt' points to I guess. This is worry perhaps?

 

Worrying if this feeling of worry and anxiety will not pass, if this day is going to feel horrible, if I'll have to spend this day feeling like shit.

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by Blessed2

[Blessed2]

Who am I?