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Everything was going quite well. But now I'm feeling bad. Really don't see a way how anything could feel better. Future seems shit. I've tried so many things. Maybe I don't have what it takes.

 

I'm disgusted about myself. I'm disgusted about the thoughts that appear. So tired of trying to feel better.

 

Fuck I'm really so tired of this. I can't do this anymore. I have to find a way.

 

I fucking hate the way I am and the way I think. I can't focus. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I don't want a damn diagnosis or pills. I'm so tired all the time. I don't have energy for anything. Can't keep the house clean. Can't enjoy simple things. I'm tired of literally just from existing and doing nothing.

 

Yeah I know, meditate, eat clean, exercise... I would have done that years ago if I had what it takes, but I don't. I'm too lazy, too tired. Each time I hear someone say that I need to do those things, I feel even worse. Doing pushups or running really just makes me feel like shit and eventually I'll just be disappointed because I fail that too.

 

It's so unfair. Yeah, would be cool to enjoy stuff like nature or playing music etc. But I don't. It's easy for people who like that stuff. But I don't have anything I'm really passionate about or anything that I'm really interested about.

 

Makes me think there's something wrong with me, that I'm simply not a fit for this world. Nothing here excites me. Everything really seems more like a disappointment and a let-down. It's fucking boring and disappointing. Disgusting.

 

I washed everything off the dreamboard a few days ago and started filling it up again, because I noticed it really does seem to work and I could have anything. Though as I tried to find things I'd really like to have, nothing really came up. I don't even want anything!?!? I could have anything in this world and nothing comes up?? WTF? What is wrong with me? Am I really just broken or something? How am I supposed to enjoy creation and creating if I nothing exciting or enjoyable even comes to mind?!? Fuck this, who decided to make me go through this horrible nonsense?

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I don't understand what I should do. Why is it so hard to feel better?

 

I very rarely actually enjoy my time. If someone would invite me to a party or picnic, I would be so stuck in thoughts and unfocused & uncomfortable that it wouldn't really be enjoyable or relaxing, even though I'd like it to be.

 

This all seems so impossible. Am I sick? Do I have ADHD or something? It's so unfair. I see people enjoying their time, having walks and being present. But I can't do that. I'm always uncomfortable. It's wearing me off.

 

How nice it would be just to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast and look out the window, and actually enjoy it?

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29 minutes ago, Faith said:

@Blessed2 Hi, first, very sorry you aren't feeling well. 💕

 

I am a fan of therapy, when it's needed. Do you think you need it? Some of what you said sounds like depression to me. 

 

🙏

 

I've been to therapy before. It was quite good, but a bit expensive so it couldn't continue anymore.

 

I do actually have a depression diagnosis and I take medication for it. But to be honest, I see my situation more as a spiritual search than a mental health issue, though it does have some mental health stuff along.

 

And even if it was depression... What then? That makes me feel despair. Depression seems something that is almost impossible to heal.

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First of all notice all the self questioning. Your guidance system is working, it hurts to accuse thyself of being inappropriate in any way. You aren't sick. We're all mad here. It's really f***ing beautiful. 

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I see people enjoying their time, having walks and being present. But I can't do that. I'm always uncomfortable. 

You are not always uncomfortable. Notice when you are comfortable. Notice how comfortable your bed is. Sit in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin. Or walking into AC on a hot day. You are the very appreciaTor of comfort itself. Appreciate when you are comfortable. What we appreciate becomes more, it grows, like an appreciating asset. 

 

❤️

 

 

 Youtube Channel    Website

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@Blessed2 I use to be a clinically depressed person, to the point of suicidal ideation on a daily basis, until I actually attempted suicide in 09'. 

 

When ppl are prone to mood disorders or any other mental illness it's very important to stay on top of any reoccurring symptoms. Whether that's through therapy, meds or other ways, but ignoring it or pushing it under the rug just allows it to spiral out of control.  The mind can be a torture chamber for some folks.

 

If someone just has situational depression, well, that's different and much less severe, then the debilitating issues I'm referring too.

 

There are ppl that have never been clinically depressed and for them it's unimaginable and they really can't relate. 

 

I could tell you, well, you aren't this body/mind you think you are and although that would be true, it wouldn't help you and would actually be spiritually bypassing. 

 

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

But to be honest, I see my situation more as a spiritual search than a mental health issue

 

How so? 

 

I do think you would benefit greatly from watching these thoughts as a first step. Can you focus enough to do Self-inquiry?

 

Whatever you can see (thoughts, feelings,  etc), you are separate from, because if you can see it, then how can you be it? So, if you can put a little distance between you and these negative thoughts and feelings you may get some relief. 

 

💙

 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Faith said:

I use to be a clinically depressed person, to the point of suicidal ideation on a daily basis, until I actually attempted suicide in 09'. 

 

Sorry to hear that. That sucks.

 

For me, the depressive mood never really gave any suicidal ideation. It was always more like kind of despair, lack of joy, lack of appreciation etc. I'd say never severe depression, more like low or mid-range.

 

For me, the worst came from drug abuse that followed. Alcohol and weed. That was scary time, as I like actually got hooked. It's a very scary thing to lose the control. I remember just watching my legs walk to the store to buy the booze, as if I had no choice. I had no willpower, the craving was so huge. There was a period of about two years where I smoked or drank almost every day. Spent hundreds every month just to get high or drunk.

 

Eventually there was a mushroom trip which kind of ended the drug abuse. It was such a painful, terrifying trip that I'm actually scared to take any substances anymore. The trip kind of uncovered suicidal ideation, but it was more like in a deluded/psychotic thought-pattern type of a deal. The years of despair and suffering kind of culminated here, leading to ideas like "I need to prove I'm egoless and brave enough by committing suicide" or "this life is a hellish dream and I need to get out ASAP by suicide". Started seeing "secret messages" around me, in books, in movies and news that was trying to tell me how I need to commit suicide. Pretty psychotic stuff. Had to spend some in psych ward and take antipsychotics.

 

Eventually, in about a year, things started to get better, mostly thanks to Abraham Hicks and Phil. Today I'm almost kinda thankful for the trip. Starting to see why it happened. It was really just like a culmination and an uncovering of the desperation and discordant beliefs I was holding. Still letting go those beliefs and desperation, though I won't be going back to drug abuse or suicidal delusions.

 

6 hours ago, Faith said:

How so? 

 

I'm not sure actually. There might be an insight/uncovering somewhere here.

 

Perhaps I see spirtuality and mental health kind of as the same thing. I remember when I was a teenager and started "thinking for myself", I saw that pretty much all the adults around me was somehow fucked up, just like me.

 

Sure, they were grown ups, they had jobs, they weren't depressed or anything like that. But still, they got angry, they got frustrated, they had fights, they got really mad if I didn't clean up my room etc. Were they actually even happy? So naturally, they must have missed something. I didn't want to be a grown-up like that, I wanted to be truly happy, I wanted to be blessed, eternally happy.

 

So depressed or not, if you aren't blessed, you are mentally ill the same for me. 🤔

Edited by Blessed2
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16 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Sorry to hear that. That sucks.

 

Its no problem, it's like it happened to someone else now. I'm not attached to the memory of it.

 

Anyway, I had also became hooked on drugs in my 20's. Hydrocodone to be exact and that lasted for about 6 months, then I got clean from it, but then was bulimic, was dealing with a neurological disease, major depression and many other struggles over the years (I'm a bit older), but if I would have had a nice pleasant life without struggle and strife I would have not gotten into spirituality seriously and awakened. The suicide attempt is what lead to nonduality for me, because afterwards I was given a book (A New Earth), got on a spiritual forum, and so on and so forth, without that happening I don't know if I would've read the book. 

 

Take a look at this link-

 

https://www.onlinetherapy.com/free/

 

It has some options for online therapy. I think I saw a couple free ones. If you aren't interested, that's okay too.

 

💙

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Something came to mind about drugs and drug abuse... I remember always being kind of interested in drugs for some reason, even as a child. Even before teenage I somehow kind of suspected that I'd have some addiction troubles at some point. Probably because there was some alcoholics in my family line. Maybe I kind of identified with it, saw it as some sort of karma to burn through or something.

 

I remember googling all sorts of drugs, their effects and stuff like that when I was still just a kid. Learned that drugs are not all the same, that basically any substance that affects psychological state is a drug.

 

I even saw caffeine as a drug, even though most people around didn't. They kind of washed it off as "just a normal thing, not a drug, yeah it makes you alert, but it's just coffee."

 

Since something so usual as coffee is a drug, then why was some other drugs so bad and illegal, and others legal and normal?

 

Drugs have been used in all cultures, at all times. It's very common for human beings, perhaps even essential in some ways. But these days drugs are seen as very, very bad. Probably because the drugs we all know today are really addictive and horrible stuff, like opioids and amphetamines. It's very strong stuff. So we see anyone taking them as broken, sick or even immoral. Though it's probably in some way quite natural for humans to want to get high and change their state at times. But this isn't really acknowledged in our modern world. 🤔 We often see being high as "running away from reality or our problems". Though I dare say that it's not so simple. I'd say when people go to clubs to dance, party, and take some drugs, is that somehow not life? Is that running away, or running toward?

 

-

 

I remember learning that even gasoline is a drug, that you can breathe the fumes and it makes you high. Naturally, I had to try it because I was so interested in that stuff and gasoline was easy to find. Literally in the shed right outside. I was maybe 10-12 years old. I just opened the tank and started breathing it in. It smelled kind of good. Took a few deep breaths, until started feeling a bit lightheaded. Then, started feeling really weird. Weird sensations, tingling in the body. Felt a bit like fainting. But then something really weird happened, like mystical shit. Crazy powerful deja vu. I knew everything before it happened. I remember walking outside the shed and my mother was there, looking at me. I think she was going somewhere, she was about to take the car. She said something to me, and I already knew what she was about to say. I just watched her in silence, didn't answer her question. Then she just laughed and said something like "Roope is once again a bit out-there".

 

Then, the high just wore off quite quickly and I had horrible headache. The end.

 

Always kind of wondered if that gasoline fume broke something in me, maybe the mental health problems are somehow due to me breaking my brains that day?

 

(Warning: don't breathe gasoline fumes. It's very dangerous, you could die pretty much instantly. It's extremely harmful for your body and brain.)

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Posted (edited)
21 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 I remember learning that even gasoline is a drug, that you can breathe the fumes and it makes you high. Naturally, I had to try it because I was so interested in that stuff and gasoline was easy to find. Literally in the shed right outside. I was maybe 10-12 years old. I just opened the tank and started breathing it in. It smelled kind of good. Took a few deep breaths, until started feeling a bit lightheaded. Then, started feeling really weird. Weird sensations, tingling in the body. Felt a bit like fainting. But then something really weird happened, like mystical shit. Crazy powerful deja vu. I knew everything before it happened. I remember walking outside the shed and my mother was there, looking at me. I think she was going somewhere, she was about to take the car. She said something to me, and I already knew what she was about to say. I just watched her in silence, didn't answer her question. Then she just laughed and said something like "Roope is once again a bit out-there".

 

Then, the high just wore off quite quickly and I had horrible headache. The end.

 

Always kind of wondered if that gasoline fume broke something in me, maybe the mental health problems are somehow due to me breaking my brains that day?

 

(Warning: don't breathe gasoline fumes. It's very dangerous, you could die pretty much instantly. It's extremely harmful for your body and brain.)

@Blessed2  Sounds like heavy metal exposure. I've read that gasoline can contain Lead. You might be toxic.

 

Have you looked into Andy Cutler heavy metal chelation before?

Leo actually have a video on it using Andy Cutler's protocol.

 

Do you remember how you felt the time after inhaling? How long have you had these symtoms?

 

Your body might be trying to communicate to you in its own way that it needs some help with clearing out toxins from the body 😄

There is a solution out there for you, this is not the new "normal"😊 You deserve a healthy body & mind! ♡

Edited by noomii
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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, noomii said:

Sounds like heavy metal exposure. I've read that gasoline can contain Lead.

 

Luckily, I'm young enough to not be exposed for leaded gasoline. 😁 There isn't lead in gasoline anymore, it's been banned before the 2000s.

Edited by Blessed2
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2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Luckily, I'm young enough to not be exposed for leaded gasoline. 😁 There isn't lead in gasoline anymore, it's been banned before the 2000s.

@Blessed2 so it wasn't old gasoline then? 😅

Where did they even put the leaded gasoline when they banned it?...

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Something is bugging me. Worrying, I guess.

 

Gonna go for a month-long interrail trip in july with my girlfriend. This is a huge thing for me, since the last couple of years has been quite hard. Many many days alone, drunk, high, depressed, anxious, insecure, bored, ruminating etc. And suddenly right after last summer, something weird happened. I heard about Esther and Abraham and decided to see what they have to say. Watched a couple youtube videos, resonated a lot. You can kinda sense the immensity when Esther does the thing. I really liked it. Decided to pirate (sorry) Ask And It Is Given from the internet and started reading.

 

Right after the Abraham text started, within maybe first three pages, I felt the 'presence' of Abraham. It felt like a warm welcome, a "hello, we love you, let's be friends". Then, I felt a sudden energy flow opening up. It was so refreshing and joyful feeling that I decided to go for a walk.

 

It was dark outside. Last days of summer, first days of fall. I walked along a riverside until I reached the sea. During the walk, I felt completely new ways of thinking, new perspectives, energetics, brightness and clarity of mind.

 

And there, on the shore, the sea flowing and waving, I just kind of knew 'this is it. Today my life changed for better. This is what I've been waiting for'. I just knew that my life changed for better right there and then.

 

Since then, I got a new job, made new friends, haven't been smoking weed or drinking, found out that crystals really do kinda maybe be magically helpful, found a girlfriend, and just a few weeks ago, decided to finally go for a backpacking trip. Been wanting to do this kind of traveling for a long time, and finally it's happening.

 

Though there is some discordant thoughts. What if I can't do it? What if I get anxious when I'm so far from home, familiar language and thus, safety? What if the trip is boring and I feel shit there, and I'll just be disappointed & anxious because I can't enjoy things I want to enjoy?

 

Also, I feel a bit unsure with my girlfriend. There has been some troubles in our relationship. A great learning and growing experience, though very hard at times. It's a real adventure to harmonize and build a relationship like this. A lot of emotions come up, a lot is uncovered. From the very beginning, this relationship has been extremely powerful in a sense of uncovering, letting go, discovery etc. This often makes me feel a bit ungrounded and unsure as to where this relationship is going. In fact, "what the fuck is going on?" and "what should I do, what is the right path here?" and has been pretty much the most regular questions that has come up for me.

 

Also, lately I've also noticed that I feel in fact a bit "clouded" about this relationship. It's as if I can't really see with clarity who she really is, what this relationship is, where it's going and how I feel. Also, it feels like I can't really be present, "here-now" with her. I'm not sure why I feel like this. Though I got an intuition. Sometimes to see others, you also come seen. At times it kind of makes me want to run away, as it's quite scary and stressful.

 

All this is making me feel a bit worried and unsure about the trip. I'd like to feel more grounded, secure and clear.

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@Blessed2

That sounds like a beautifully deepening relationship. “Uncovering, letting go, discovering” 🥹

It sounds like there is a lot of ‘the work’ & a lot of allowing of things into the light in your relationship. Really great to hear. 

 

What is wanted is to feel more grounded, secure, and clear. 

If I may… a slightly different framing… the mind wants to feel more grounded, secure, and clear….….

while the mind is actually so to speak thinking feeling & emotion are other than in the present. 

 

I propose…. feeling is absolutely grounded, secure, and is clarity. 

And… the mind ‘wanders’ to scenarios about feeling… being in or related to a past,  or in or related to a future…

… while feeling never actually leaves the present, never moves, never comes or goes.

 

So perhaps the desire to feel more grounded, secure and clear… is actually the desire to notice when thought ‘says’ the emotions which are felt now & only now…. are in or about, a past & future. 

 

Put another way, what is actually felt, in the present, are the thoughts… which are about… how I felt in a past, or how I might feel in a future. 

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On 5/27/2022 at 11:59 PM, Phil said:

That sounds like a beautifully deepening relationship. “Uncovering, letting go, discovering” 🥹

It sounds like there is a lot of ‘the work’ & a lot of allowing of things into the light in your relationship. Really great to hear. 

 

👍🙏

 

A thought comes to mind.

 

 

Me: "I really want clarity, healing and a step to the next level."

 

Source: "Sure! Have a whole bunch. Here's some shrooms."

 

 

Me again: "I really want more clarity, healing and a step to the next level."

 

Source: "Sure! Have a whole bunch. Here's a relationship."

 

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Listened some teachings of Jesus today.

 

Had a fun insight. Been wondering what if God is actually judging us, what if there is sin and hell. But then I noticed what I really want most, is just love and happiness. And everyone else wants it too. People, cats and dogs, worms and the trees and flowers. What I really want is that everyone is happy today, in this life. No matter if they have done some hurtful things, or stuff that might be considered sin. I still want happiness for them. And for myself too.

 

How could that be bad or wrong? To love, to help others be happy right here and now, whoever they are and whatever they do? What kind of god would be like "Nope, that ain't it. Don't let people do abortions, steal or marry the same sex." If there was a god like that, it would be kind of a stupid god. A real god must have either the same or more compassion / love as I do. Otherwise I would be "looking down" to them. I would be more loving than god?!? That makes no sense.

 

As I was thinking this, some people walked by. And probably for the first time, I actually loved each person that came. And it felt really good.

 

Thank you all for sharing this world with me!!! I love you!! Let's care for each other!!

 

IMG_20220530_151417813-01.thumb.jpeg.edc9d7de49c5ded12c8fd1079c159bb2.jpeg

 

IMG_20220530_221557022-01.thumb.jpeg.616def625b15b59fbb8efbc4efabbfab.jpeg

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I feel a bit worried. Sometimes it's not just worrying, but kind of fear or anxiety.

 

I feel worried because I once had a bad mushroom trip, which was such a terrifying and hard experience that I'm probably still in the process of healing. I worry if at some point I will somehow trip again or some terrifying state of mind comes.

 

I recieved reiki healing some time ago and it seems that this discord was brought up on surface.

 

So here I am, expressing, talking about it. Looking for clarity. Doing the work.

 

I'm kind of tired of the worrying. Life is so much more fun and relaxing without these thoughts and beliefs. I want to let it go.

 

I would feel sooo much better without these thoughts and worries!

 

Jeez, we are not intended to carry such worries and stress. It makes us tired and sick.

 

Can't wait if/when I do in fact let go. I will be so eager to live my best life.

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