How do you start... again?

[fopylo]

It's been a long journey... it is a long story, if you will.

Self improvement, and plateaus.

Creating healthy habits, and falling back off.

Riding on life feeling connected, and living in fear in disassociation suppressing emotions.

Learning and forgetting.

Learning... and forgetting.

What a drama queen, for someone aware. Oops, for awareness.

Feeling whole, vs jealousy.

 

I wake up super late on holiday (lunchtime and beyond), don't meditate (or very rarely), eat shit, spend pretty much the whole day on social media and spending some time thinking how I'm missing out on other life because of some rules I've made for myself.

I have a messy room, don't plan ahead, don't get better at any skill whatsoever, neglect connections with people.

I hate this.

 

I have been experiencing how having more free time really doesn't manifest the "things I want to do when I have free time." This cycle happens over and over. I have a bunch of things I tell myself I'll do when I have time, time comes, and I am just lazy and procrastinating.

This is very much reoccurring.

 

My theory is that I must be suppressing some kind of emotion - perhaps boredom, contentment, overwhelment... not quite sure.

 

All those dreams.. All those phases in life other people seem to have an easy time with that I never really had, like having childhood memories with friends, being confident and my true self in high-school, not being scared to go ask women out after finishing high-school, not taking opportunities to become much more skillful in the workforce, and I can already see how I'll miss on future ones because of fear and worry (at that point, I just don't want to). Basically I've missed on a lot in life, and I spend way too much time every day on social media.

 

I want to feel better. I want to live a great life. From experience, I felt better when doing some of the "self improvement" stuff in the past, so there is something to that, or so I want to believe. I understand there's a stand against self improvement here because it implies a second self in thought which can't be improved and affect the present, and that it's all about thoughts and feelings. But I'm a little unsure what route to take, and whether I should continue with self improvement, or just do some kind of combination between them, because after all, self improvement gives a direction. I'm kinda gaslighted.

But forget about this paragraph.

 

How do I start again?

Why do I keep falling back/starting over? Why so challenging?

Would very much love to hear your suggestions and opinions.

Thanks for reading thus far

🤍

 

[Phil]

The root of the belief is self improvement is that there is, and that you are - the improveable self. The one which ther eis something wrong with which needs to be fixed.

 

There is no separate self in time. Thoughts & emotions are presently experienced, and obscured by the narrative about another self, which isn’t present & doesn’t exist. (The ego.) 

 

It’s unnoticed that / “these” are thoughts, not an actual separate finite or second self. It’s likely these comments will nonetheless be misinterpreted as to be about - a separate second self. 

 

The inner manipulation, or, pretending thoughts are selves & keeping the non-existent separate, second self “alive” - obscured the Aliveness, and through the lens, the inner plays out as the outer - as a teacher or teachers which know & understand and can tell you the way - to what’s already felt, and presently overlooked or suppressed. 

 

 

There aren’t two selves, gaslighting is in defense of a separate self of thoughts, and is projection on to “another self” which “is gas lighting” - “me”. 

 

Simply point to gaslighting. Where is it?

It’s a concept, only. 

 

 

In simply noting the activity of thought and any distractions therein, and allowing whatever is arising to be felt fully, it’s self-evident nothing’s happening / anppearing as thoughts. 

 

 

THIS is but the crest of an apparent wave. “Before” - as in how do I start again - is the presently appearing crest of nothing. There’s no reality to a before or after THIS. The narrative is presently experienced, or not at all, just like there’s no reality of the suffering and seeking resolution of a tooth ache which isn’t happening presently. The story might be appearing, but there is no reality to it. 

 

 

Presence & mindfulness - simplicity - nondual perfection - THIS. ♥️

 

Perception & sensation, as well as any thoughts arising and or emotions felt s are - perfection - as is. 

 

There is no need for an obscuring thought narrative about time, a second self, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. It amounts only to resistance and perpetuating the twisting & distorting of perfection. 

 

There’s no regression, no “falling back / starting over”. There’s nothing which is challenging. It’s only an appearance of thoughts, seemingly suppressing emotion, feeling, with an illusion of separation (fear).

[Blessed2]

Yeah, self-improvement is really just a hamster wheel.

 

It seems to me to be fundamentally skewed. It's like the palace, the religion of the ego.

 

The logic goes like this:

 

1. There are dreams, desires, goals, preferences. Like let's say a relationship with a woman. This (desires, dreams, preferences) is completely fine as far as I see.

 

2. There appears the belief that to get or experience what's wanted, is about what you're doing, what you're like, what qualities you have. "I'm not confident enough to ask a woman out - and this is why I'm not experiencing the relationships I want."

 

This second step is where it goes off. Suddenly it's all about the self, you. All about changing, fixing, trying to become different, better, to get what's wanted. The focus shifts from what's wanted, what feels good... To a me. What needs to change and what needs to be fixed and improved.

 

But what if experiencing what's wanted has absolutely NOTHING to do with what you're doing, being, what qualities you have?

 

 

Don't get me started with actual religions though. God appears, and we be like "let's make this about me" and come up with a list of stuff you're supposed to do and not do, how you're supposed to be this way and that way, to be enough for god & salvation. How maybe in the future you'll be a better believer, how you're going to do better. How you're going to be a true believer.

 

[Phil]

50 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

the religion of the ego.

So precise! 

[Orb]

Why isn't what is here now enough? 

 

Whatever "material" things are desired will come naturally. 

 

I'd let go of wanting, id investigate the notion of wanting. 

 

Wanting as in - whatever is here isn't enough therefore I want what is not here. 

[Mandy]

Rumination about how messy of a person one is, is not picking up that thing you left in the floor this morning. It's kind of hilarious. If you want something, allow it. You think it's ever going to be something more than picking up that one thing, or dropping that one thought about being a messy person, but it isn't. 

[fopylo]

@Phil

On 10/4/2024 at 4:24 PM, Phil said:

The root of the belief is self improvement is that there is, and that you are - the improveable self. The one which ther eis something wrong with which needs to be fixed.

Ok, but then what about those so called "self improvement teachers" that are living very happy lives and are for real trying to help you out to feel this way. For example, a so called coach that helps in social skills combined with an understanding of exposure therapy, and putting us in "practice rooms".

I believe there is also this good place that self improvement can come from. Like, you get to practice and get results, and then feel good about the results.

Seems like self improvement might not directly be helping to feel better, but I do believe it can be a good guide for results, don't you think?

On 10/4/2024 at 4:24 PM, Phil said:

In simply noting the activity of thought and any distractions therein, and allowing whatever is arising to be felt fully, it’s self-evident nothing’s happening / anppearing as thoughts.

Are you suggesting some action step/habit, or just to simply try to be more aware of my thoughts and emotions during the day-to-day?

 

On 10/4/2024 at 4:24 PM, Phil said:

There’s no regression, no “falling back / starting over”. There’s nothing which is challenging. It’s only an appearance of thoughts, seemingly suppressing emotion, feeling, with an illusion of separation (fear).

Then what did you mean here by "and the practice is adhered to, and abandoned..."?

Why then the appearance of the thought "This happened over and over already"?

[fopylo]

On 10/4/2024 at 4:54 PM, Blessed2 said:

This second step is where it goes off. Suddenly it's all about the self, you. All about changing, fixing, trying to become different, better, to get what's wanted. The focus shifts from what's wanted, what feels good... To a me. What needs to change and what needs to be fixed and improved.

@Blessed2

true... the feeling really gets "shut down" when the focus suddenly shifts to "me", "but...".

Thanks for bringing this out, I find this quite mind-blowing to be honest.

 

So you want to tell me that when a thought of something you desire comes up you then just try to keep this feeling, or better said - you put way more focus on the emotions presently experienced than on trying to meticulously look for/create problems to then fix (suppressed insecurity)?

 

I might get you on that last paragraph if it's true, however allow me raise a question:

Let's say I want to become better with women. I can focus on that wanting aspect, however, there are still techniques and mindsets that could be beneficial in helping "direct" the action if you will, forget even about action steps.

 

I would like to hear your perspective on that, perhaps to "help" in questioning my own assumptions.

On 10/4/2024 at 4:54 PM, Blessed2 said:

"I'm not confident enough to ask a woman out - and this is why I'm not experiencing the relationships I want."

Really resonate.

 

On 10/4/2024 at 4:54 PM, Blessed2 said:

God appears, and we be like "let's make this about me"

The question seems to be - why is there even an ego? Why do we always try to make things about ourselves?

 

Thanks man

[fopylo]

On 10/4/2024 at 6:30 PM, Mandy said:

Rumination about how messy of a person one is, is not picking up that thing you left in the floor this morning. It's kind of hilarious.

@Mandy

This is like the mother saying "you say you're going to tidy your room already for three days, again and again, and you haven't even done anything yet. Get up and start tidying" and then the fear, hate and overwhelment come in. Lol I'm just kidding in the way I put what you said in that category, just reminded me of such a scenario for some reason 😂.

 

On 10/4/2024 at 6:30 PM, Mandy said:

If you want something, allow it.

How do I not allow it? Honestly asking. Perhaps you could use an example (pointer)?

 

Thanks!

[Mandy]

@fopylo Yeah, you're the Mom's voice in your head. The Superego, the second "you". 

 

1 hour ago, fopylo said:

How do I not allow it? Honestly asking. Perhaps you could use an example (pointer)?

 

Thanks!

By conceptualizing who it's about and what it means for them rather than allowing, being. 

 

For example, if I think I'm fat and lazy, that feels bad and inspires nothing. The real desire is to feel more energy, which might inspire me to workout, go for a walk, or eat more fresh fruits and veggies. Allowing it is focusing on the desire, not the me it's about. 

[Phil]

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Ok, but then what about those so called "self improvement teachers" that are living very happy lives and are for real trying to help you out to feel this way.

If you were to be a self improvement teacher, you would be basing that on the belief you are an improve-able separate self. In other words, you would be teaching & reinforcing your own ignorance, egocentrism & mistaken identity. 

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

For example, a so called coach that helps in social skills combined with an understanding of exposure therapy, and putting us in "practice rooms".

There’s no ignorance or sep self in that. 

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I believe there is also this good place that self improvement can come from.

Yes exactly, as you say, that’s a belief. The “I” of that “I believe”, is the ego. The illusory separate self of thoughts. The one for which there is a secondary source. It’s just a justification or rationalization of conditioning that appears & disappears as a thought, a belief. 

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Like, you get to practice and get results, and then feel good about the results.

That you get, and then feel good in a future or as a result - is conditioning, belief, illusory - part & parcel of, listening to the egocentric narrative reinforcing the sep self / mistaken identity. 

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Seems like self improvement might not directly be helping to feel better, but I do believe it can be a good guide for results, don't you think?

It’s an invitation to avert from feeling. All such invitations are illusory, and therefore all ‘circle back’ to allowing what arose in the first place to be acknowledged, fully felt, and therein processed. It’s merely overlooked that feeling, happiness, peace, love - are self-inherent - not results in a future. Again, this is conditioning suppressed by conjecture. New beliefs, not “the work”. The emperor’s new clothes - while it’s obvious the emperor is already and has always been - naked. Imagine a guy walking around naked telling everybody about their new clothes. It’s hilarious if allowed to be seen for what it is, and isn’t. Similarly - “the thinker”. Just ‘new clothes’. Still actually naked. No, I do not think. I’m appearing as so called thoughts. Sheer perfection. 

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Are you suggesting some action step/habit, or just to simply try to be more aware of my thoughts and emotions during the day-to-day?

Presently-only is more than enough.

 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Then what did you mean here by "and the practice is adhered to, and abandoned..."?

Why then the appearance of the thought "This happened over and over already"?

The (added) belief is a sep self in time. The “self” of “self” improvement.  Meditation as a practice, is adhered to, as in allowed - as in thoughts are allowed to be let go, and not even. Thoughts appear & disappear already. Some discordant misidentification thoughts (illusion) come up & out - and rather than allowing whatever’s arising to be felt fully and therein released (illusion) - the practice is abandoned - as in - a self improvement teacher is sought - and sure enough - appears.

 

The thought “this happened over and over already” is on behalf of the illusory separate self of linear time - a belief / conditioning / illusion - yet the ego / sep self is reinforced to be true, by the teaching of self improvement, which is the suppression of conditioning, and the relief & release of conditioning - with the conjecture of, self improvement. The blind leading the blind. 

[Blessed2]

19 hours ago, fopylo said:

I find this quite mind-blowing to be honest.

 

Yeah, it's mind-blowing. And I got a feeling that it'll keep getting more and more mind-blowing.

 

19 hours ago, fopylo said:

So you want to tell me that when a thought of something you desire comes up you then just try to keep this feeling, or better said - you put way more focus on the emotions presently experienced than on trying to meticulously look for/create problems to then fix (suppressed insecurity)?

 

Yes. Attention on feeling and inspecting the thought patterns which feel the way they do.

 

19 hours ago, fopylo said:

Let's say I want to become better with women. I can focus on that wanting aspect, however, there are still techniques and mindsets that could be beneficial in helping "direct" the action if you will, forget even about action steps.

 

What comes to mind in this regard is adding vs. shedding. It might seem like to get to the place you want, stuff like new mindsets or new techniques needs to be added. Shedding would be laying down the limiting additives, like self-image, or self-referential thoughts. Maybe even discordant beliefs about women and dating in general.

 

It might sound crazy but I got a feeling that to be good with women, it's best to just drop the belief that you're bad with women. 😄 Some "exercises" like approaching women during the day or whatever the dating coaches suggest might help in highlighting some discordant beliefs and thought patterns. But I don't think stuff like that is essential.

 

It's much much more about the general 'direction' of attention rather than what acts or steps are taken. Sure, take classes and try techniques etc. Though it's central to keep inspecting the thought that it's about you and your qualities etc. Feeling will tell where the attention is at.

 

19 hours ago, fopylo said:

The question seems to be - why is there even an ego? Why do we always try to make things about ourselves?

 

I has no idea. 😂

 

"Let's make this about me."

- Me

 

[fopylo]

@Phil

4 hours ago, Phil said:

If you were to be a self improvement teacher, you would be basing that on the belief you are an improve-able separate self. In other words, you would be teaching & reinforcing your own ignorance, egocentrism & mistaken identity. 

What if a self improvement teacher is very well aware that he is selling himself as the mediator between you and your "highest version", just to then help you dispel all of that, and in so a great service has been done? Much like you've done, no?

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

It’s an invitation to avert from feeling. All such invitations are illusory, and therefore all ‘circle back’ to allowing what arose in the first place to be acknowledged, fully felt, and therein processed. It’s merely overlooked that feeling, happiness, peace, love - are self-inherent - not results in a future. Again, this is conditioning suppressed by conjecture. New beliefs, not “the work”. The emperor’s new clothes - while it’s obvious the emperor is already and has always been - naked. Imagine a guy walking around naked telling everybody about their new clothes. It’s hilarious if allowed to be seen for what it is, and isn’t. Similarly - “the thinker”. Just ‘new clothes’. Still actually naked. No, I do not think. I’m appearing as so called thoughts. Sheer perfection. 

Yeah but there might definitely be some technical information that would open your mind to new ways of thinking. Perhaps some of this is a slightly twisted version of the "focus on feeling and everything will align", and more so on techniques that help. Why then do people claim they become happier and get results?

 

You say that:

4 hours ago, Phil said:

The thought “this happened over and over already” is on behalf of the illusory separate self of linear time

yet you also say this:

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Meditation as a practice, is adhered to, as in allowed - as in thoughts are allowed to be let go, and not even. Thoughts appear & disappear already. Some discordant misidentification thoughts (illusion) come up & out - and rather than allowing whatever’s arising to be felt fully and therein released (illusion) - the practice is abandoned - as in - a self improvement teacher is sought - and sure enough - appears.

appear & disappear - seems like a thought in itself, about there being thoughts, which come and go, no? Kind of gets trippy, as thought there's only one thought, and not even.

 

Is adhered to, and abandoned - there seems to be time implied (at least on the understanding right here), that it could be at some point/time adhered to, and at a different point/time abandoned.

 

 

Why read books then?

Again, I don't yet understand why you suggested books and movies?

It seems like you're saying learning = suffering.

Oh, ok, so perhaps not learning with the underlying of improving "yourself", but curiosity for communication techniques? Learning how to invest your money? Learning training methods?

[Phil]

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

What if a self improvement teacher is very well aware that he is selling himself as the mediator between you and your "highest version", just to then help you dispel all of that, and in so a great service has been done? Much like you've done, no?

Those are the very beliefs, the conjecture, awareness is obscured by. 

 

Awareness is aware.

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Yeah but there might definitely be some technical information that would open your mind to new ways of thinking. Perhaps some of this is a slightly twisted version of the "focus on feeling and everything will align", and more so on techniques that help. Why then do people claim they become happier and get results?

Awareness, which is happiness, is infinite & doesn’t become any thing, such as more aware or more happy. There is no “lacking second separate self” which could be improved, or which is separate from awareness and could “help awareness become more aware / happiness become more happy”. Again, these are beliefs, conjecture, awareness is obscured by, not “enhanced by”. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

appear & disappear - seems like a thought in itself, about there being thoughts, which come and go, no? Kind of gets trippy, as thought there's only one thought, and not even.

Exactly. It’s because there’s only one entity, and not even. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Is adhered to, and abandoned - there seems to be time implied (at least on the understanding right here), that it could be at some point/time adhered to, and at a different point/time abandoned.

Time is the apparent thought time, understanding is the apparent thought understanding. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Why read books then?

Awareness - Happiness - is already free. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Again, I don't yet understand why you suggested books and movies?

Books & movie are appearance. The one which doesn’t yet understand & the one which suggested are illusory. The former can apparently be pointed to, the latter can not. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

It seems like you're saying learning = suffering.

No. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Oh, ok, so perhaps not learning with the underlying of improving "yourself", but curiosity for communication techniques?

Yes, totally. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Learning how to invest your money?

Yes of course. 

 

14 hours ago, fopylo said:

Learning training methods?

Yes. 

[Phil]

On 10/3/2024 at 5:40 PM, fopylo said:

It's been a long journey... it is a long story, if you will.

Self improvement, and plateaus.

Creating healthy habits, and falling back off.

Riding on life feeling connected, and living in fear in disassociation suppressing emotions.

Learning and forgetting.

Learning... and forgetting.

What a drama queen, for someone aware. Oops, for awareness.

Feeling whole, vs jealousy.

 

I wake up super late on holiday (lunchtime and beyond), don't meditate (or very rarely), eat shit, spend pretty much the whole day on social media and spending some time thinking how I'm missing out on other life because of some rules I've made for myself.

I have a messy room, don't plan ahead, don't get better at any skill whatsoever, neglect connections with people.

I hate this.

 

I have been experiencing how having more free time really doesn't manifest the "things I want to do when I have free time." This cycle happens over and over. I have a bunch of things I tell myself I'll do when I have time, time comes, and I am just lazy and procrastinating.

This is very much reoccurring.

 

My theory is that I must be suppressing some kind of emotion - perhaps boredom, contentment, overwhelment... not quite sure.

 

All those dreams.. All those phases in life other people seem to have an easy time with that I never really had, like having childhood memories with friends, being confident and my true self in high-school, not being scared to go ask women out after finishing high-school, not taking opportunities to become much more skillful in the workforce, and I can already see how I'll miss on future ones because of fear and worry (at that point, I just don't want to). Basically I've missed on a lot in life, and I spend way too much time every day on social media.

 

I want to feel better. I want to live a great life. From experience, I felt better when doing some of the "self improvement" stuff in the past, so there is something to that, or so I want to believe. I understand there's a stand against self improvement here because it implies a second self in thought which can't be improved and affect the present, and that it's all about thoughts and feelings. But I'm a little unsure what route to take, and whether I should continue with self improvement, or just do some kind of combination between them, because after all, self improvement gives a direction. I'm kinda gaslighted.

But forget about this paragraph.

 

How do I start again?

Why do I keep falling back/starting over? Why so challenging?

Would very much love to hear your suggestions and opinions.

Thanks for reading thus far

🤍

 

Yes, it is - “a long story”. Happiness is present, appears as, and is obscured by - the “long story”. 

[fopylo]

On 10/6/2024 at 9:30 PM, Blessed2 said:

What comes to mind in this regard is adding vs. shedding. It might seem like to get to the place you want, stuff like new mindsets or new techniques needs to be added. Shedding would be laying down the limiting additives, like self-image, or self-referential thoughts. Maybe even discordant beliefs about women and dating in general.

 

It might sound crazy but I got a feeling that to be good with women, it's best to just drop the belief that you're bad with women. 😄 Some "exercises" like approaching women during the day or whatever the dating coaches suggest might help in highlighting some discordant beliefs and thought patterns. But I don't think stuff like that is essential.

@Blessed2

Yes, definitely shedding discordant beliefs. Many of the people talk about it in the mindset aspect. Seems like some are very aware about discordant beliefs and feeling good and being confident and all of that. It's just that it seems like to get more specific results you gotta go in some more specific direction, in the realm of feeling obviously.

[Orb]

On 10/3/2024 at 5:40 PM, fopylo said:

It's been a long journey... it is a long story, if you will.

Self improvement, and plateaus.

Creating healthy habits, and falling back off.

Riding on life feeling connected, and living in fear in disassociation suppressing emotions.

Learning and forgetting.

Learning... and forgetting.

What a drama queen, for someone aware. Oops, for awareness.

Feeling whole, vs jealousy.

 

I wake up super late on holiday (lunchtime and beyond), don't meditate (or very rarely), eat shit, spend pretty much the whole day on social media and spending some time thinking how I'm missing out on other life because of some rules I've made for myself.

I have a messy room, don't plan ahead, don't get better at any skill whatsoever, neglect connections with people.

I hate this.

 

I have been experiencing how having more free time really doesn't manifest the "things I want to do when I have free time." This cycle happens over and over. I have a bunch of things I tell myself I'll do when I have time, time comes, and I am just lazy and procrastinating.

This is very much reoccurring.

 

My theory is that I must be suppressing some kind of emotion - perhaps boredom, contentment, overwhelment... not quite sure.

 

All those dreams.. All those phases in life other people seem to have an easy time with that I never really had, like having childhood memories with friends, being confident and my true self in high-school, not being scared to go ask women out after finishing high-school, not taking opportunities to become much more skillful in the workforce, and I can already see how I'll miss on future ones because of fear and worry (at that point, I just don't want to). Basically I've missed on a lot in life, and I spend way too much time every day on social media.

 

I want to feel better. I want to live a great life. From experience, I felt better when doing some of the "self improvement" stuff in the past, so there is something to that, or so I want to believe. I understand there's a stand against self improvement here because it implies a second self in thought which can't be improved and affect the present, and that it's all about thoughts and feelings. But I'm a little unsure what route to take, and whether I should continue with self improvement, or just do some kind of combination between them, because after all, self improvement gives a direction. I'm kinda gaslighted.

But forget about this paragraph.

 

How do I start again?

Why do I keep falling back/starting over? Why so challenging?

Would very much love to hear your suggestions and opinions.

Thanks for reading thus far

🤍

 

Did you really feel better from all the "self improvement stuff"? OR did you do the self improvement stuff and still weren't satisfied, still experienced the stuff you didnt wanna feel, and that led you to slowing down on your new routines and lifestyle? And now you reminisce about those times like they were the good days?

[Orb]

@fopylo also, "starting" seems to constantly lead to plateaus and "stopping", so why would you want to start again? 

[fopylo]

On 10/7/2024 at 3:21 PM, Phil said:

On 10/7/2024 at 12:26 AM, fopylo said:

Why read books then?

Awareness - Happiness - is already free. 

@Phil

Aren't you keen on some of the "spiritual" books? What books do you read?

On 10/7/2024 at 3:21 PM, Phil said:

On 10/7/2024 at 12:26 AM, fopylo said:

Learning how to invest your money?

Yes of course. 

Yeah, so this is a good example. Learning to invest money really doesn't seem to do with any "improving oneself" like a real video game character that is being taken very seriously... but it could still be a learning from fear of living very poorly and what it could mean about your future, or it could be because of a positive expectation/optimism about what it could mean for your future to live more wealthy. And there's also this fear that time is ticking and that it is always better to start investing earlier, which puts lots of pressure on me... very much worry, maybe some blame on a past 'me'. Not an inspiring thought for getting back into investing.

 

On 10/7/2024 at 3:24 PM, Phil said:

On 10/4/2024 at 12:40 AM, fopylo said:

t's been a long journey... it is a long story, if you will.

Self improvement, and plateaus.

Creating healthy habits, and falling back off.

Riding on life feeling connected, and living in fear in disassociation suppressing emotions.

Learning and forgetting.

Learning... and forgetting.

What a drama queen, for someone aware. Oops, for awareness.

Feeling whole, vs jealousy.

 

I wake up super late on holiday (lunchtime and beyond), don't meditate (or very rarely), eat shit, spend pretty much the whole day on social media and spending some time thinking how I'm missing out on other life because of some rules I've made for myself.

I have a messy room, don't plan ahead, don't get better at any skill whatsoever, neglect connections with people.

I hate this.

 

I have been experiencing how having more free time really doesn't manifest the "things I want to do when I have free time." This cycle happens over and over. I have a bunch of things I tell myself I'll do when I have time, time comes, and I am just lazy and procrastinating.

This is very much reoccurring.

 

My theory is that I must be suppressing some kind of emotion - perhaps boredom, contentment, overwhelment... not quite sure.

 

All those dreams.. All those phases in life other people seem to have an easy time with that I never really had, like having childhood memories with friends, being confident and my true self in high-school, not being scared to go ask women out after finishing high-school, not taking opportunities to become much more skillful in the workforce, and I can already see how I'll miss on future ones because of fear and worry (at that point, I just don't want to). Basically I've missed on a lot in life, and I spend way too much time every day on social media.

 

I want to feel better. I want to live a great life. From experience, I felt better when doing some of the "self improvement" stuff in the past, so there is something to that, or so I want to believe. I understand there's a stand against self improvement here because it implies a second self in thought which can't be improved and affect the present, and that it's all about thoughts and feelings. But I'm a little unsure what route to take, and whether I should continue with self improvement, or just do some kind of combination between them, because after all, self improvement gives a direction. I'm kinda gaslighted.

But forget about this paragraph.

 

How do I start again?

Why do I keep falling back/starting over? Why so challenging?

Would very much love to hear your suggestions and opinions.

Thanks for reading thus far

🤍

 

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Yes, it is - “a long story”. Happiness is present, appears as, and is obscured by - the “long story”. 

Hey man, you know, something I've realized recently - stories are very great and not bad at all.

Just because you tend to bring up how everything is a story doesn't make the story bad.

But yeah, I really gotta appreciate the conversations I've had with you about emotions, and got me really starting to inspect things for my own and I definitely realized how it's really about the emotion felt that determines all the experience, and to always think in terms of reaching for relief.

 

So anyways, stories are everywhere, even everything I wrote, and thought of. This is ok. It's not about judging, but simply - let's be real about what is truly the case. Stories are just stories. But there is also FEELING, which guides this whole experience.

 

So I could be talking about a "long story", but what really matters is whether this story feels good, or more accurately, has more relief in it (which is what you'd call expression).

 

But yeah man, we could still definitely talk about life and stories, as long as it feels good.

Correct me if I'm wrong here:

I could be talking about some bad experiences that don't give such a "good vibe", and then ask your opinion on it, wanting you to engage, but you wouldn't because it doesn't feel good.

However, I could ask you what do you love doing in your free time, what inspires you, where would you want to take your next trip - which feels great, and maybe you would engage (if the feeling is there...?).

 

Yes, all of that is conjecture. Focus should be on feeling, truth, relief, emotion. It's all now.

 

Gets real trippy when fear and insecurity are realized for what they are - Thoughts about a self which feels very bad and that aren't even you, the latter being the trippy part. And so what's left is emotion, thoughts of a self, appearances - and this is all of reality, without there even being a "someone" experiencing.

 

Thanks man

[fopylo]

@Orb

9 minutes ago, Orb said:

Did you really feel better from all the "self improvement stuff"?

I did feel good like half a year ago when I got into learning how to better socialize. It's been a very good learning experience.

 

11 minutes ago, Orb said:

OR did you do the self improvement stuff and still weren't satisfied, still experienced the stuff you didnt wanna feel, and that led you to slowing down on your new routines and lifestyle? And now you reminisce about those times like they were the good days?

But yeah, it caught up to me, I guess. Starting feeling the subtle "inauthentic" experience of it which started showing more. I mean to be fair, one of most highlighted things is that of focusing your attention on the other person fully, matching your vibe to th

 

at of the other person/group, and balancing conversation (talking vs listening). So indirectly, conversations have gotten smoother and more engaging. However, I didn't feel like I was being 100% truthful all the time and going after what I truly feel. But I wouldn't say it was all for naught... it's doesn't seem so right and isn't east to dismiss everything I got from this course.

 

Seems like you're suggesting suppression of emotions, which lead to slowly fucking your life and having shitty routines and uninspiring lifestyles...?

19 minutes ago, Orb said:

And now you reminisce about those times like they were the good days?

Yeah. But not quite exactly. I would refer the "good days" to be even when I was in kindergarten and first grade. But yeah, those times of having a routine, being inspired for the day and having something to work on are what gave some meaning to this life (in the feeling good kinda meaning vibe).

You got me here.

18 minutes ago, Orb said:

also, "starting" seems to constantly lead to plateaus and "stopping", so why would you want to start again? 

Disappointment, comes to mind. To gain something. If I don't improve something, life would be shit - is what is felt - worry. Some hope, that life could be much better lived in other conditions and different ways of thinking and focus. Jealousy. That's for now.