judy Posted August 28 Share Posted August 28 * Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judy Posted August 28 Author Share Posted August 28 (edited) i'll just express - delete - express something new - delete again here, if that works for now. Edited August 28 by judy Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judy Posted September 2 Author Share Posted September 2 i feel very overstimulated but when i talk to people they always think i'm being annoying and i don't know what to do. there's too much emotional tension and i don't know how to get rid of it. telling myself "it's just hormones" doesn't help. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judy Posted September 2 Author Share Posted September 2 i'm really upset Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judy Posted September 2 Author Share Posted September 2 (edited) last year in autumn, i fainted at the bus stop once. i forgot to drink water that morning when i left to go grocery shopping, and the bag on my back was too heavy, so i just passed out for a few seconds. it was confusing because until the moment i fainted, there was all this social pressure to act unaffected while i felt myself getting dizzy. socially, it wouldn't have been acceptable to make a scene and show my discomfort...but the moment i fainted, social expectations completely flipped and people gathered around me and tried to help. when i regained consciousness, i was so thrown off by this and the previous social expectation of having to hide my dizziness was still on my mind, so i quickly got up and hopped on the bus, which had arrived in that second. because i got up too quickly, on the bus i passed out again and spent half the ride unconscious or somehow unable to see anything, until someone helped me off a minute past my usual stop and got my bags for me. i feel the same confusion now because people always tell me to reach out when i'm unwell, and sometimes i'm surprised to find out they're being understanding when i show that i'm struggling....but then sometimes they're not and i'm afraid they'll just say i'm being completely unreasonable and irrational, so there's this need to put on a show and pretend i'm not pathetic at all, when i actually feel quite pathetic. this is confusing to me, because i never know what to expect when asking for help. i never know when it's okay to authentically show that i'm unwell, or when it's necessary to try and act like i'm completely sane, although i'm not. Edited September 2 by judy Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judy Posted September 6 Author Share Posted September 6 (edited) if i had the tiniest bit more impulse control and knew how to deal with my emotions, i think i'd stop being so stupidly honest and vulnerable all the time. i'd just scan everyone for their weaknesses so that i know how to hurt them back when i need to. i'd be calculated and cold, i'd be invulnerable, i'd be manipulative and skilled, i'd be charismatic and flirty and confident, i'd be playful and engaging, i'd smile all the time, and i would never let anyone in. nowadays i only let people in so they can try to help me deal with this mess that i can't deal with on my own, but no one can help with this anyway. if i had the tiniest bit more impulse control, i'd never be needy with anyone, never let anyone close enough to my emotions, because what is happening right now is that every time i open up, i get hurt. right now i rely on people being nice enough to understand what i'm going through, and when they don't, all they see is a crazy bitch who can't be taken seriously. Edited September 6 by judy Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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