Parentified children

[Rose]

My mothe, since I started living with her at 15, always  shared her problems with me. Relationship, work, finance, health, etc. 

 

I couldn’t share any of my own problems with her, she didn’t know much about my life, but always had to listen and to support her.

 

Now that I am 31, I can’t do it anymore. Yesterday I saw her for a walk, and she complained to me about her renters who aren’t paying her for months and she can’t kick them out, her husband who is abusive, her work that she wants to change..

 

I couldn’t sleep till 5 am yesterday, first thinking about how I could help her, how I could talk to renters myself, then being so mad at her I was going crazy.

 

I have my own problems now, starting a new job, moving to another country, visa and all the applications - but instead of thinking of that, I keep worrying about her problems (almost every time I talk to her - she has some problems to share)

 

What is worse is that she doesn’t take any of my advice, I feel my energy is all wasted - it’s like throwing cooked spaghetti at a dart board. I can’t take it anymore 

 

I understand that I am the problem because I keep prioritizing her over me, but it’s been happening for so long now, I definitely have some trauma over that, and the way I react now, so sensitive to it, definitely overreacting 

Edited August 1 by Rose

[Mandy]

@Rose In a perfect world what would your mother share with you instead of her problems? If you had a daughter, what would you discuss with her? 

[Rose]

3 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Rose In a perfect world what would your mother share with you instead of her problems? If you had a daughter, what would you discuss with her? 

I would talk about the world, the books, ideas and concepts, her life, her hobbies, projects, goals, my goals, my projects

 

I wouldn’t talk to her about how her dad is shit and how everyone is constantly mistreating me. 

[Mandy]

@Rose Is there any other moment than now? Anything outside right now? 

[Rose]

1 minute ago, Mandy said:

@Rose Is there any other moment than now? Anything outside right now? 

No, there isn’t

 

But right now I keep thinking about how angry I am at my mother while also feeling guilty and sorry for her. Right now I feel 🤯🤢

[Mandy]

What if awareness (or if that seems too abstract), what if your subconscious is like a newborn babe, a clear slate, a sponge, just taking everything in and your thoughts are like what the parent is saying? What if it's like you already have a daughter and are that daughter? You're talking about how your mother is shit and mistreating you right now, the same pattern that she's locked into. 

14 minutes ago, Rose said:

I wouldn’t talk to her about how her dad is shit and how everyone is constantly mistreating me. 

What DO you want to talk about? 

9 minutes ago, Rose said:

No, there isn’t

 

But right now I keep thinking about how angry I am at my mother while also feeling guilty and sorry for her. Right now I feel 🤯🤢

Anger feels better than guilt, and you can't feel that at the same time but you can flip flop in thoughts of hatred or anger and thoughts judging them and yourself. So let the anger burn through you and feel it rather than thinking it. "Catch" the thoughts. If you feel sorry for her, it's because you actually really want something for her, and often the only way we can help someone align with what they want is by aligning with it ourselves. You say you want to be selfish. Here's your permission slip. Be selfish. What do you want for yourself? 

[Rose]

34 minutes ago, Mandy said:

What if awareness (or if that seems too abstract), what if your subconscious is like a newborn babe, a clear slate, a sponge, just taking everything in and your thoughts are like what the parent is saying? What if it's like you already have a daughter and are that daughter? You're talking about how your mother is shit and mistreating you right now, the same pattern that she's locked into. 

But I don’t know how not to feed it that same trash

 

I believe I should be feeding it with goals and dreams instead.. but all my goals and dreams seem to far in the future/to hard to attain.. for many years I didn’t even have any goals that would make me happy - more like stuff I felt I HAD to do

41 minutes ago, Mandy said:

What DO you want to talk about? 

Opening up a business, psychology, philosophy, enlightenment - all that we talk about here

 

44 minutes ago, Mandy said:

What do you want for yourself? 

I made a list of things I want for myself.

 

Everytime I talk to my mother though I go back to the drama triangle and move away from the things I want to do.. I need to write out communication rules with her for myself and stick to them

[Mandy]

41 minutes ago, Rose said:

But I don’t know how not to feed it that same trash

 

I believe I should be feeding it with goals and dreams instead.. but all my goals and dreams seem to far in the future/to hard to attain.. for many years I didn’t even have any goals that would make me happy - more like stuff I felt I HAD to do

 

What if rather than goals that now the weight of achieving rests on you, you write down things you want to attract? Like an amazing, refreshing, energizing conversation? Or seeing a cool bird? Or a sunset? And then what if the goals are nothing more than that as well? 

 

43 minutes ago, Rose said:

Opening up a business, psychology, philosophy, enlightenment - all that we talk about here

Awesome! In talking about it here, is it not already complete yet becoming more? Is there a better possible scenario? 

44 minutes ago, Rose said:

Everytime I talk to my mother though I go back to the drama triangle and move away from the things I want to do.. I need to write out communication rules with her for myself and stick to them

What if rather than controlling the situation, you opened to it? What if she's giving you really valuable feedback as to what you're attracting? Maybe it's just how the information is interpreted? What if you asked her questions that direct her thoughts to what it is that she does want? 

[Phil]

@Rose

Prioritize well-being. Take a long break from her. Maybe 6 months.

 

[Rose]

On 8/1/2024 at 4:44 PM, Phil said:

@Rose

Prioritize well-being. Take a long break from her. Maybe 6 months.

 

I have done that before, I was no contact with her for a period of a year twice.

 

I seem to not be able to separate, I wish there was some kind of exorcism for this 😭

[Rose]

On 8/1/2024 at 12:41 PM, Mandy said:

What if rather than goals that now the weight of achieving rests on you, you write down things you want to attract? Like an amazing, refreshing, energizing conversation? Or seeing a cool bird? Or a sunset? And then what if the goals are nothing more than that as well? 

That seems like a good idea, I will write that down. 
 

 

On 8/1/2024 at 12:41 PM, Mandy said:

Awesome! In talking about it here, is it not already complete yet becoming more? Is there a better possible scenario? 

I really wish I had friends like this to have these conversations in real life 😔, I don’t like screens and reading of of them in my head

 

On 8/1/2024 at 12:41 PM, Mandy said:

What if rather than controlling the situation, you opened to it? What if she's giving you really valuable feedback as to what you're attracting? Maybe it's just how the information is interpreted? What if you asked her questions that direct her thoughts to what it is that she does want? 

Am I attracting her? 😅 Could you please explain more about this? 

[Phil]

6 hours ago, Rose said:

I have done that before, I was no contact with her for a period of a year twice.

 

I seem to not be able to separate, I wish there was some kind of exorcism for this 😭

Focus on self-respect. ♥️

[Mandy]

7 hours ago, Rose said:

Am I attracting her? 😅 Could you please explain more about this? 

It's contrast. The cold nights in Fall make you realize you want warmth and a heating system you don't have to tend at night. She highlights the things you want to let go of.

 

My mom told my daughter not to stick her hand out the car window and told her this story that I was told growing up about this freak accident where a truck driver my dad worked with lost a finger from having his hand resting outside the truck and a metal piece bouncing up and hitting it. She is overly cautious and protective, and reads too many articles, and I bought all this stuff as a kid, hook line and sinker and was afraid of lots of things. Rather than being mad that my mom told the story, which I'd rather not have been told to my daughter, now I have an example to teach my daughter about how reacting to horror stories and changing your habits because of them is not actually obligatory. Nor may it be wise or what she wants. Now the conversation is much deeper than one of safety. My mom being the same unwanted way actually helps me raise my daughter in a different way. I don't have to limit my daughter's time with my mom, that would be more over concern and protection. My daughter's reaction of freaking out following being told the story made by mom question herself quite a bit right then. Everyone wins unless you decide otherwise.

 

You always win, especially when you lose. It's contrast. You're neither black nor white, you're the whole thing. 

 

[Mandy]

On 8/1/2024 at 10:49 AM, Rose said:

Now that I am 31, I can’t do it anymore. Yesterday I saw her for a walk, and she complained to me about her renters who aren’t paying her for months and she can’t kick them out, her husband who is abusive, her work that she wants to change..

 

I couldn’t sleep till 5 am yesterday, first thinking about how I could help her, how I could talk to renters myself, then being so mad at her I was going crazy.

Can't you love your mom without taking it upon yourself to take action to solve her problems? What if she's attracting her problems, and no amount of assistance thrown at them is going to change what she is attracting? Does success, (the whole kind that includes happiness and fulfillment) come from hard work?