First journal

[WhiteOwl]

I just came home after a day with some friends. Its a group of people that can be very energetic and talkative, and where i've in the past felt quite down afterwards (and meanwhile) due to thoughts about not being funny, talkative or confident enough. This time it was somewhere in the middle, and i did have nagging thoughts for a lot of the time, but not where it got too much. I was breathing a lot from my stomach. I have been doing some work on the scale recently and looked at some beliefs and i did feel quite fine the whole time relative to the people, even though surely not perfect. I need to fix myself in someway came up a lot. Also build up of energy sometimes before when i had to tell a story. I tried to do it just to not let myself down. 

 

Looking back at my day it was quite great with nice vibes, just petty little thoughts appearing sometimes. People were nice, no problem whatsoever. Just my feelings.

 

 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

Today was a difficult day. I am angry and irritated that i wasn't feeling as good as i wanted, and that i wasn't able to turn it around quicker. Also very dissapointed about it. Very overwhelmed by thoughts whole day. I doubt myself if i can change. 

 

Beliefs about needing to fix a lot of stuff about myself before i am where i want to be. A lot of thoughts planning what i need to do before i am "complete". 

 

I need to express, need to journal, need to control my thinking. 

[WhiteOwl]

wow... i've had this kind of sadness around all day coming up, and i was working for most of the day and didn't have time to go into it even though i was trying to relax and let go throughout. Now i just sat down and relaxed and started to meditate on the feeling that was still there, located behind "my" face. I was then able to go deeper into the feeling than i've ever done before. I was somehow relaxed and breathing but my face was tensing up heavily from focusing on the emotion, and tears were running down my face. My palate was starting to tense and hurt after a while from the emotion being so strong. There were barely any thoughts throughout and it was a very interesting experience. Even though the bodily sensations could be described as negative, i knew it was gold all the way and did my best to continue whatever i was doing. It was like i could see the shape and feel the emotion somewhere else, without my self existing for a little while. At one point while it was peak uncomfortable, it struck me how amazing this is. To be able to have this experience, whatever it is. .. tears to my eyes while i write this. Thank you

[WhiteOwl]

yesterday i had a very awesome 2.5g mushroom trip out in nature by a little pond. It was really incredible, pleasant all the way, and i had some good perspectives come up and an incredible peace of being free from my desires, so it felt. 

Then afterwards when i came back i was very tired and some old thoughts appearing again. I got sad and dissapointed when on phone with a family member and didn't seem as happy as i would have thought after such a great trip. I am so angry and frustrated not being alighned, and im so tired of my thoughts about my ex. I am jealous of her and her alignment, she is very cool, and it seems like im competing with her even though i dont want to. I want to feel good for her and feel good about myself. I want to feel great when talking to people.

[WhiteOwl]

i blame myself for not being as happy as i should be. i blame myself for not being aligned. i blame myself for not wanting to tell long stories. i blame myself for planning what i have to say. i am dissapointed i don't have a lot of new friends. I want new friends, i want alignment, i want to feel good. I want to create a nice inspired life. I want to be positive and enjoy other people, i want to create amazing music and connect with people. 

[WhiteOwl]

sometimes i feel mellow, bored. blaming myself for having thoughts thats are so "me". Hard to get out of the loop. I am dissapointed with the things i did. I am jealous and also inspired by people who have broken free of themselves. It looks amazing. I want that.  I experience a lot of ups and downs. Wanting to meet a girlfriend or some sex, logging into a dating app. Then feeling bad and impatient quickly. Then back to feeling better with no need or feelings of impatience of wanting to meet someone. I think too much about "myself".  

[WhiteOwl]

On my last trip i was sensing that my rumination was just that, rumination. And that it's not a worthwhile activity. I felt like jumping out of bed in the morning no question. Didn't fully embody that, but i want to.

[WhiteOwl]

I am angry at my work. I want revenge. I want them to see its not about me. I want to win it. I am angry at my mother for being so unconscious, she will never change. She will treat me like her idea of me forever. I want to revenge her, make her realize it all. 

[WhiteOwl]

i feel content going forward. I want alignment, wellbeing, enjoyment of the things i do. I want to connect with people, I want to express myself and learn new things. I want to meet an amazing partner, move into a new place. I want to be positive towards people. I want to see the best in them. 

[WhiteOwl]

I feel like i try too hard. I am doing good for some days, then get consumed by thoughts about finding a girlfriend or some sex and i spend countless hours on tinder and feel terrible afterwards. It usually happens when i get too horny after a couple of days of not masturbating, and then when i do it i dont feel like having sex or meeting anyone, just slightly depressed. Music has been a chore last couple of days. I worry the "scene" will die when i finally make something nice. I feel like a wannabe. I want to feel inspired. I want to love myself, no matter what i do. I am not getting anywhere it seems sometimes. I am afraid to write these things as i don't want them to become more so

[WhiteOwl]

I am jealous of people having beautiful girlfriends. I am jealous of people being free and happy and energetic. I am angry at myself for backsliding. I am angry for not holding my promises to myself. I feel very discouraged about my situation sometimes. I feel discouraged about my friends, my music, my dating life. I blame myself for not being good enough, not sticking to the plan. I worry about what people think of me, i worry about what i actually want. It seems to change. I doubt myself and my abilities to turn things around. I am overwhelmed by life. I am frustrated and impatient about meeting cute girls, about feeling better. frustrated about my music. I am very pessimistic about what i am capable of and what people think of me. pessimistic about my music. I am bored. Bored of trying so hard. 

[WhiteOwl]

Was at a party this saturday that was kind of an up and down adventure. I drank a lot of alcohol and ate small amounts of mushrooms which didn't make me feel very good. I felt insecure and unable to follow conversations with some people. I should have stuck with only the alcohol for that party. I was talking to this cute girl, and she seemed interested in me as well, but in my state it was more than usually difficult for me to engage in conversation. I felt awkvawrd unless just dancing. Later the mushrooms wore more off and i felt more at ease, and at that point she had left. I am very dissapointed with that situation. Feel very weak for not doing what i wanted. Thinking about asking her out for some coffee

[WhiteOwl]

I am jealous of people being energetic and sharp in conversation and who has no concern as to what they say is right or wrong. I feel like i am too serious, or i thought about that a lot during the party. Everything is so serious for me, so ridicolous

[WhiteOwl]

How do i feel when i believe the story about myself? About someone who is insecure and trying to fix himself with ups and downs. It feels not good. WHo is is this person? Who is insecure, awkvard, bad at conversating?

[WhiteOwl]

Feeling is in regard to thoughts. How do i want to feel? What are better feeling thoughts? A better interpretation, a better story?

[WhiteOwl]

I sometimes feel very jealous of other people. People with hot girlfriends, people who are happy and energetic. People who are talkative. People with a lot of friends. I feel hateful sometimes. I hate my mother for being closed-off. It feels like i really don't need her in my life right now. I feel revengeful sometimes. For my ex and her family, wanting them to see how much ive changed. Jealous of her boyfriend who seems to have what i don't.  I feel hateful/revengeful towards the people who don't like me. I sometimes feel very discouraged. I blame myself for not being as i want to. I blame myself for not talking to that girl. I blame myself for being hateful and bad soemtimes. I blame myself for not being perfect. I blame my mother. I worry about situations. Why is it so hard to not fall into the thought stories. It's obvious im just reacting with a bad feeling to a wrong thought. I blame myself for worrying. I doubt myself, what i am capable of. I doubt if i am good enough compared to some people. Some people have something that i don't, so it seems. I am dissapointed that i didn't talk more with the girl, and tell her that thought she was cute. I am dissapointed i felt bad during the evening. I am dissapointed i lost my glasses. I feel overwhelmed sometimes (and much better than when i started, haha. it really works). I sometimes feel very impatient/frustrated about wanting things to fall into place. I sometimes feel pessimistic about my situation. 

[WhiteOwl]

I feel very irritated and impatient. Like i need to make progress all the time. I sometimes feel very bored about my school, and about the things i do. I "feel" (maybe its not a feeling) like i have to make music somehow, and it feels like it's blocking me from actually doing it. Feels like i need to do it, like i have to prove myself, and that makes me keep a distance to it sometimes. I doubt how it sounds, and worry what other people will think of it. Then at the same time i sometimes think differently and are very happy about it. 

[WhiteOwl]

I am very impatient about finding a girlfriend. I worry if i might be blocking her out. I still think about my ex. She is such a wild person. I worry if i will ever let her go, not that i actually want to get back together with her. I think i somehow want revenge, her to realize how great i am. I feel bad when i judge her. I want things to be uncomplicated and easy, i want to be supportive of her. I feel pretty excited about getting my new music setup. Will be great. 

[WhiteOwl]

I worry about people from my life realizing its me here, even though thats very unlikely lol. I am afraid to show myself that vulnerable i guess.

[WhiteOwl]

I feel very hopeful and content about whats to come. I want to get a camera and take photos of insects/amphibians. I want my new music setup. Will be so great. Things are really working out. I love that i am now an early riser, and wake up and feel refreshed. I want to feel at ease around everyone. I am perfect and worthy of everything great thats about to come.