Jump to content

No title


Recommended Posts

I feel shame and unworthiness or insecurity when thinking they have a good connection, or that he has a lot to offer. I feel shame and unworthiness thinking i don't have enough money. Putting music out still puts me in contact with feeling shame and unworthiness. 

 

I feel jealousy when my friends have a lot of money. I feel anger that i went out on wednesday and got drunk and took cocaine. 

 

I feel discouragement sometimes. When i feel i am in the same place, sort of stuck. Reason is obvious though. I feel blame for taking stupid choices. I blame myself for going out like that, and for not showing the integrity i want. Fantasizing about others, her especially, makes me feel worry. 

 

I feel worry about things not working out, or that i might not be doing good enough. Like i' wasting my opportunity a little bit sometimes. I feel worry with thoughts about how the situation is going to work out with her and them. 

 

I feel doubt in my ability to create sometimes. That what i want might not be possible for me. I feel doubt around my music. And blame and discouragement. Its like its really hard for me to believe and trust in my own abilities relative to music, even though i know i am creating my own reality. 

 

I sometimes feel disappointment, when it seems things are not working out. I feel disappointment when it seems some people don't like my music. 

 

I feel overwhelment sometimes feeling all this doubt and worry and disappointment. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience because of not feeling in fucking alignment. Whenever i don't i just feel so much frustration and impatience. 

 

Thought that i am not ready or feeling good enough to meet others. Feeling the guidance of insecurity. 

 

I feel pessimism. About the bigger picture. Just feeling fucking pissed.

 

I feel boredom sometimes. I feel contentment now. I feel content for the loophole shake i am going to make soon, and for my friends who just wrote me.

 

I will continue to write after breakfast.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/10/2024 at 4:11 PM, Phil said:

Break the cycle (shame-cocaine-shame-cocaine) by micro-dosing mushrooms.  

Yes. I recently did one and it was great. Will start implementing that. Have a schedule that worked for how often? 4 times a week or something?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Yes. I recently did one and it was great. Will start implementing that. Have a schedule that worked for how often? 4 times a week or something?

Awesome. I’d give it a google. It’s very ‘snowflake’. The general median seems to be about .2 grams every three days. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you do cocaine a lot or is it a really occasional thing? If you’ve been doing it often then supplementing with L-tyrosine and lots of vitamin c is supposed to be really helpful with getting through the initial bad feelings after quitting.

 

Also there are some anecdotal reports on Reddit of salvia helping rapidly resolve cocaine dependence. There is also a study done on the topic. Just google search quitting cocaine with salvia.

 

this is just an anecdote but when I quit cocaine for real what happened what I’d heard about salvia helping get rid of cocaine cravings so after the last binge I went on I smoked salvia and when to bed. And after that I was able to quit so maybe there is something to it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Will reply later.

 

What do i feel? I feel blame. Judgements of how the other person thinks or feels make me feel blame. Thoughts of tension makes me feel anger.

 

I feel worry. "Fortune telling" thoughts and thinking that an i knows what another are thinking makes me feel worry. 

 

Feel worry makes me feel doubt that i can handle or be the best version of myself in situations. 

 

Biggest picture i feel doubt if i can really be do or have all that i want. 

 

Expectations sometimes makes me feel disappointment. I feel disappointment when i expect things with my music and whats going to happen. 

 

Feeling doubt and worry makes me feel overwhelment. 

 

Thoughts of urgency or a self in time makes me feel frustration and impatience. 

 

Thoughts of a self being sad or not feeling good enough makes me feel pessimism. 

 

I feel boredom sometimes.

 

I feel contentment. Looking back last couple of month, there is so much to be happy for. My room is really great. 

 

I feel hopefulness for the music release tomorrow. Things are always working out in magical ways, just perfection, so i feel a lot of hopefulness for tomorrow. I feel hopefulness for showing the rest of my music and putting it out, that will be really exciting. I feel hopefulness about what is going to happen with the whole situation. No matter what it can only be the best. I feel hopefulness for this time to come.. so much good stuff waiting.

 

I feel optimism about the reception, about my music, about the shrooms, about summer coming, about cute people showing up tomorrow and how people will enjoy the music.

 

I feel positive expectations for opportunities and synchronicities. I feel positive expectations that everything is working out exactly as its supposed to. 

 

I feel enthusiasm for tomorrow. I feel eagerness and happiness.

 

Feeling really amazing, thoughts that that "i" can lose it or fuck it up comes up. Make me feel worry and maybe some lower emotions also. 

 

"I can lose the good feeling or fuck it up".

 

 

I feel passion for experiencing connection with people, and for making more music, and for enjoying life and seeing what each moment brings. I feel passion for creating more experiences with other people like the one i just had. 

 

I feel love and appreciation and so much gratitude for life. Its really opening up even with the challenges, but its just becoming more amazing every day. I feel so much appreciation for everything that has happened. LOVE

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day just went wierd today after i left.

 

Feeling discouragement. I am not happy or excited. I am not feeling like i want to.

 

I feel disappointment. Expectations and false conclusions makes me feel disappointment. 

 

Thoughts about wanting something from others make me feel frustration and impatience. Anger also. 

 

I feel blame with these thoughts about her not this or that. So unwanted and misaligned. 

 

 

What do i want for tomorrows event?

 

Excitement, fun, laughter, well-being, maybe a little flirt. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Exciting day. Lets express.

 

I sometimes feel insecurity, unworthiness or guilt when thoughts that i can fuck things up or not do well enough are focused upon. Thoughts that an I is not capable makes me feel those emotions. 

 

Feeling those emotions make me feel jealousy with people who seem to have what i have. 

 

Feeling jealousy and insecurity i mistakenly project thoughts of judgements towards others and feel anger and blame. I don't always focus as i want to, but i know i want to love people and just be free and have fun. 

 

Feeling all this blame and anger projected upon the world sometimes make me feel worry. Feeling those emotions make me feel worry with thoughts that things are not working out or that i am doing something wrong. 

 

Feeling worry makes me feel doubt. I sometimes feel doubt when questioning with things are working out. 

 

I feel disappointment when it seems it doesn't seem i get the feedback i was hoping or expecting. 

 

With her, i sometimes feel blame for me feeling insecurity or unworthiness. I just want to love and well-being.

 

The thought "I don't know what to say" "I should say something" makes me feel insecurity.

 

Feeling all these emotions leaves me feeling overwhelment. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience sometimes when trying to get into alignment. It doesn't always work out as i plan, but i am doing my best and learning along the way.

 

Sometimes i think thoughts what others/she is thinking and it makes me feel insecurity and worry.

 

"I know what she thinks" makes me feel worry. 

 

Feeling frustration and impatience makes me have pessimistic outlooks on things. Focusing on that things are not working out.  Happens sometimes miwmiw.

 

I feel boredom sometimes also.

 

I feel contentment and hopefulness about the event today. Universe is always aligning things perfectly, so i know it will go exactly as it should, no matter what that is. I feel hopefulness about how people will like the music. 

 

I feel positive expectations for what is to come and to see the event play out today. I feel optimism.

 

I feel love and gratitude looking back at all the amazing experiences i've had. I realize how precious all of it really is, and how magical every moment is.. How lucky am i to share this moment today with these people. So much love and gratitude really. Its all fucking amazing and profound. SHower and lets go

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So feeling sad and ashamed about what happened yesterday, but lets look at it. Im sure there is something good to learn from it.

 

I was going to play music just in the end of my friends party, which is not so much people who listen to my kind of music normally. They decided to stop it after just a few tracks and just play music that was more for everyone sort of. 

 

Thoughts that people think my music sucks, or that i disappointed people, or didn't live up to what some people thought. I feel guilt and grief maybe, even though that sounds bit extreme. 

 

Annoying that it colors an otherwise great evening.

 

"People think what i do sucks now" "I didn't do good" "I fucked up my reputation" 

 

Whenever i feel low emotions, i feel embarrasement and guilt, and its like i am further away from aligning with her. 

 

Like if she knew i feel like this she would not want to be with me.

 

Im ruining my chances with her by feeling like this. 

 

All these thoughts make me feel unworthiness and guilt. This whole narrative.  

 

Keep drawing the emperor reversed

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling bad doesn't make you unworthy, the interpretation is that the unworthiness is the case, is pertaining to YOU and is why I feel the way I do, which isn't listening to the feeling. Not listening still doesn't make you unworthy. 

 

The specific interpretation of worthy OF HER isn't feeling great. Why keep returning to this specific, like a dog to its vomit? 

 

 

 Youtube Channel  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/19/2024 at 5:33 PM, Mandy said:

The specific interpretation of worthy OF HER isn't feeling great. Why keep returning to this specific, like a dog to its vomit? 

 

I don't have the answer. 

 

I was thinking today how interpretations do make me feel unworthiness though in relation to her. Aligned we are going to have a great time. 

 

The thought "she doesn't want me" "she doesn't like me" feeling the guidance of unworthiness. One unworthy thought.

 

Thoughts "I am not where i want to be" "I have to wait time before feeling aligned" feeling the guidance of pessimism. 

 

"I have to let go of thoughts more" feeling frustration, impatience.

 

I feel overwhelment.

 

I sometimes feel boredom. 

 

I feel contentment. So much good has actually happened lately. My music release went so great, and witnessing how i interact and feel around people really makes me happy. So many great friends showed up and it was a pleasure all the way. 

 

Also feel so great how my speech went in the weekend. Couldn't have done it better, and so pleased to see i can manage a situation like that. Things are really changing. I feel contentment for a great birthday.

 

I feel hopefulness for my music project going forward. I've had good times and felt disappointment enough now that i am ready to just do what i actually want. I feel hopefulness having a lot of fun making music i really like and enjoy. I feel hopefulness putting some nice tracks out on some good labels. I feel hopefulness for the period to come. I feel hopefulness starting my microdosing this week. Exciting times.

 

I feel optimism about more people finding my music and growing my little artist alter ego. I feel optimism experiencing exciting times. I feel positive expecations feeling powerful and healthy.

 

Have to go

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/19/2024 at 2:20 PM, WhiteOwl said:

I was going to play music just in the end of my friends party, which is not so much people who listen to my kind of music normally. They decided to stop it after just a few tracks and just play music that was more for everyone sort of. 

What genre is it? Just curious I listen to a lot of electronic

Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I feel optimism about more people finding my music and growing my little artist alter ego. I feel optimism experiencing exciting times. I feel positive expecations feeling powerful and healthy.

What a success, already 🙂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whats felt.

 

"I am obsessed with her" "I can't let go of her" feeling frustration, impatience.

 

"If i just let go i can attract her" feeling frustration.

 

"I am not where i want to be" "i am not feeling how i want to be feeling" feeling the guidance of discouragement, blame.

 

"I cant keep vibration up" feeling the guidance of pessimism. 

 

 

Thoughts about her keep running most of the time throughout the day. Something has to happen. Probably because i still feel unworthiness. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay. So many discordant thoughts all day referring "her". What is the meaning or fuzz about in this. Honestly i don't even know if we are that good of a match. I liked the sex a lot, but picking solely because of that is not going to work.. been there done that. We also had a lot of shared interrests and i could see us having a good time, but i have no fucking idea really. I feel a lot of doubt in the wanting of it. It also seems from looking at thoughts that i am just trying to prove myself. And why would this I need to prove himself? Because he feels unworthiness. Where i am at right now is not a place to create any connection if it was to happen, and also i don't even know if i want it, so its ridiculous waste of energy.

Why is unworthiness felt? 

Her choosing someone else. Put me in orbit to make up for that. Thats where it all started, or probably not. 

not being chosen = being unworthy. 

If i don't want someone, does that make them unworthy?

The thought of them being together in any way triggers that same feeling. Unworthiness, 

There is a biig competition going you know. Right under the surface. Who wins the princess.. There is a multitude of disciplines. Who's the most clever and fun in speech. Making her laugh gives 3 points. Being clever at the same time gives 5. Who makes the best music, im falling slightly behind in that race so i've got to excel at the other disciplines. Who's most hardcore and fearless. Slay the dragon of drugs with ease. 

I also believe i can be good for her. That would make me so worthy again. so so worthy. I could fix her. I could do that for her. 

 

What do we even have without all this drama? Is there a real connection? and what is that even.. a real connection. 

 

I also judge her a lot. Feeling a lot of blame. I judge her that she is judging me and others. Funny. I judge her for not having control over her situation. I judge her for feeling bad. Thats terrible. Feeling the guidance of blame. I judge her for being in her thoughts. 

At the same time feeling arrogance, feeling better than her. 

 

How great a catch i am for her. No wonder it didn't work out. 

 

And then the thought comes in again "Now you are cleared out and it can finally work out". 

 

"Now it can work out" feels very discordant. Or emotions coming up. 

 

Thats also it. I really dont't believe it can. When she told me once that she loved me as well, i instantly shushed it away. Thats exactly it. I don't believe it can happen. 

 

That was nice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Met up with her yesterday. Illusion shattering as always. Heavy attraction is there, in some ways, but also seeing other things more clearly. It was clear that i feel anger and blame and resentment. I don't know what is underneath it, if there is love that can flourish, but i don't want to be someone feeling like this. 

No place for these emotions where i am going. Its blocking off the fun and lightheartedness, all this animosity. 

Instant response in the connection when i let go of some of it, very interesting to see. 

It should be build on having fun and feeling at ease, and hard to have that if there are these underlying dynamics. I WANT FREEDOM AND WELL-BEING 

Edited by WhiteOwl
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By clicking, I agree to the terms of use, rules, guidelines & to hold Actuality of Being LLC, admin, moderators & all forum members harmless.