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dreams and desires

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i want to experience pregnancy and motherhood!


i want to feel beautiful and comfortable in my body


i want to learn how to style my hair properly (beach waves!) and how to do my make-up

        > ... i wouldn't mind if i made a new friend who could teach me...or literally do it for me every morning lol.

        maybe i also want to dye my hair blonde at some point but that can wait until the next emotional crisis:)

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i wish to experience pregnancy and motherhood!



  • i imagine this must be a magical, though challenging, experience.
  • i would love to have a loving, caring partner who supports me throughout this.
  • growing a whole new person inside me
  • the positive pregnancy test
  • telling people that i am pregnant
  • shopping for baby clothes and preparing the nursery
  • preparing for birth, preparing for motherhood, handling the stress, doubts, and fears that will come up
  • the love and excitement

giving birth

  • home birth or hospital?
  • being in sync with my body...breathing, aligning with the pain...
  • holding them for the first time!
  • skin to skin, breastfeeding,...
  • babies are cute


  • being responsible for the well-being of another human being
  • huge shift in my priorities
  • welcoming a whole new person into this world, trying to help them understand what's going on here, teaching them about literally everything from scratch
  • showing my child/children that they are loved
  • teaching my child social and emotional skills
  • raising my child bilingually?
  • learning to take a step back when needed and giving them enough room to make mistakes of their own and grow.
  • discovering their unique personality and passions, setting them on a good path so that their unique strengths can flourish.
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i want someone to hold me and listen to me and tell me that it's okay.


without telling me my thoughts are stupid

without pressuring me to let go

without being all too aggressive or impatient about the whole thing


just listening,

being patient and gentle with me


and holding me while i think what i think and feel what i feel

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Posted (edited)


  • i've been enjoying comedy lately.
  • now that my hair is a little shorter it's easier to French braid it, so i'm trying to practice that as it grows longer again.
  • the students i tutor in French and English appreciate my support.
  • i went babysitting on Friday and took the little boy out for a walk, then fed him from a bottle before nap time.
  • at the moment it's quite lovely outside.
  • today and yesterday i've worn my new dress. i love it! it's got a long flower skirt and a white top. i never thought i'd feel comfortable wearing long dresses or maxi skirts, but it turns out i feel very comfortable and i wouldn't mind wearing those more often.
Edited by judy
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Posted (edited)

i want someone to hit me or choke me, and stop me feeling so guilty.


...i know i'm not supposed to say those things but i keep coming back to this.


it'd be such a relief if someone could hurt me. that's better than the pain of being abandoned.

the pain of having done everything wrong and being unable to undo any of it now.

since you hurt me emotionally and i'm in so much pain... i almost need to be hurt physically. i wish you could have done that for me. it would have eased the rest of my pain and calmed my nerves.

Edited by judy
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i took a long nap this afternoon and had some interesting dreams. more of that, please.


i went for an evening walk and strolled along my favourite road in the city. with all the houses and fences and gardens, the blossoming trees....more of that, please.

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14 hours ago, judy said:


i took a long nap this afternoon and had some interesting dreams. more of that, please.



i enjoy "architectural dreams".

where the insides of buildings or rooms are arranged in a special way and that leaves an impression on me.

the way "space" is structured.


some rooms leave an impression on me that feels safe and perfect and wholesome.


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