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Matryoshka Milestones


Reborn2

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Unlike in my past, largely unsuccessfull attempts at making this type of format work, this time I intend to keep this in a form of report. Meaning, I'm not going to predict or promise what I'm going to do the next month, but rather just report what I've done this past month. That way, every once in a while, I can just take a look at a wall of accomplishments of all the stuff I've managed to achieve, instead of looking at a wall full of randomness, dissapointment and just empty promises. So it's going to look more like a gratitude journal rather than  anything else.

 

I'll keep all my future plans to myself, because ultimately I'm the only one responsible for fullfilling all the necessary quotas and sticking to certain habits and routines.

 

During the month of december, I have managed to learn some basics of Python by self studying it, and by taking up some courses, and can already make some rudimentary programs using basic knowledge of the functions, variables, strings etc. It has been quite challenging for me because not only does it challenge my logical thinking - which, to be frank, I'm not THAT good at and it doesn't come just naturally to me the way it does to some other people - but it also takes a bit of creativity as well as just being able to figure out what you did wrong in the code and fix it. There is never a single way of how to solve a problem, but many. And simple memorization, the way they teach us in schools, doesn't really help that much. Nevertheless, sometimes by a heureka moment, sometimes by brute force of willpower, I feel like I am slowly getting better.

 

The reason for me trying to learn programming, is because my current job is pretty much a dead end kind of job, and althought it's easy and the pay is pretty good relative to it's low difficulty. Realistically I can't be doing this for more than 2 or 3 additional years. I also want to somehow figure out a way to get my hands on A.I. development. I don't know how to get there yet, but I'll figure something out.

 

From this current job I've managed to save up a decent horde of money though, so it's been helpfull for something. I'm also better at noticing the subtle details and better at focusing for prolonged periods of time because of this job, as that's what working it entails. So much so, that I've actually managed to almost burn out for the first time in my life. I don't know whether it was actually a full blown burn out, but I know that it happened exactly on 15th of december. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything work related - even if it was just staring at the screen - I was tired and mentally bankrupt the whole remainder of the day and the whole weekend.

 

Anyway, I've also took up some dance class during this month, but I don't know whether I'll continue going there. I'm not as passionate about it as I previously thought I was going to be.

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I've been physically sick for most of this month. As was my entire family.

 

I've also been heavilly depressed.

 

I've taken up running and I'm running almost every single day since the second half of January. Nothing crazy, just half an hour - 45 minutes and I'm not even remotely winded nor sweaty by the end. This is done purely for a very specific reason, which is my heart beat and general heart endurance - I'm running with relatively slow pace (for me) while keeping my heart beat between 120 - 140 heart beats per minute, once it goes over 150 threshold, I stop running and start walking. Once the heart calms down a little bit, I start running again. So it's about mantaining consistent effort within that 120 - 140 range. Which is very healthy for the heart long term.

 

Once I'll be able to run 45 minutes to an hour without walking break in the 120-140 range, I'll start to incorporate some HIITs.

 

I am going to start swimming as well. As well as attending running contests, and taking hikes, etc. I can do a lot of this kind of shit. It's just about my time and will.

 

I'm not abandoning stregth training but it will go sort of into backround.

 

The work goes on as ussual. I have payed for and started attending an online bootcamp for software testing. Figured out I would need some boosting to actually have a chance to transition to an IT world and land a job.

 

I will work as a manual tester of some kind by the end of this year or by the middle of the next year at the absolute latest. And I think it is a relatively conservative and realistic estimation.

 

To get where I want to be, I am going to do a lot of job hopping and will have to endure a lot of adversity, and it will take me decade at least.

 

I've started to invest money intended for my pension. 1,1k so far, and 50 euros a week from now onwards. Trying to be responsible and shit.

 

My social life is of course, at zero, but I've gotten used to that I guess. I intend to change that but it's just a very difficult and not straight forward thing to change at all.

 

I might want to stop posting here and find some better site to post in.

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No, this site is as good as any other for this purpose. It's fine. People can be strange here, but it's fine, I don't care about others, I only care about myself.

 

Actualized would probably be slightly better if it wasn't for all the schyzo shit and for the nature of the creator, I don't want to be associated with that. This site contains a little bit of it but it's mostly wholesome. Not that I'm spending any time here though, I'm just here for this journal.

 

In spite of what I've intended originally, I'll still set some rough outline for each subsequent month's monthly goals. The emphasis won't necessarilly be put on measurability nor achievability (I don't fucking know if these are even actual words) but it's good to put some pressure on oneself nontheless.

 

Rough outline for February:

- Being physically active every single day

- Go to some social event once a week

- Pick or come up with 3 Python based projects and work/practice on them

- Put the main focus on the tester bootcamp

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This world is so starkingly financially and politically unfair. It's also very unequal in every possible metric, but - while keeping in mind that unequalness doesn't necessarilly insinuate unfairness - most unfair inequalities are in my opinion still more or less tolerable compared to financial and political unfair inequalities. Although you still may be discriminated based on your gender, skin colour, social status etc. at least you should have a certainty that you have a nice sturdy roof over your head and plenty of supplies of food and water, as well as not being threatened physically or fearing for your life. It's crazy how little people in many countries make and what kind of jobs they have to do to survive, or what kind of regimes they have to live under, or how violent their enviroment really is. A difference of being born a few houndred kilometres away from your actual place of birth could have resulted in a drastically different quality of your life.

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Things are going kinda south for me healthwise, in a strange way. So apparently I'm infertile, which I've found out pretty much by accident. I don't want to really reveal too much here, but there's a name for that condition I'm not gonna mention it here, it just bothers me a little and I don't have many people to talk about this with.

 

I don't really know what to think about it. A visit to a good urologist would clear up the reasons behind this. My test levels are fine, I would even say that for my current levels of activity (which are low) it's above average, so I assume my other important hormones are, more or less, fine as well, but I can't know for sure. I'm also a relatively healthy guy. Which is why this shit is weighting on my mind heavy right now and bugging me, cause I don't know the exact reason behind this. It could be something banal or it could be something serious. There's no way to know right now

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Anyway. Let's stay positive and not call in something negative, a lot of *knock knocks* on the table for this one

 

I cannot speculate my way to any definitive cause that would whitstand my scrutiny, so I'll just have to book an appointment and wait for that scan/other forms of inspection, hopefully non invasive. I wouldn't allow that anyway, since you see anything with a scan these days

Edited by Reborn2
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I feel bad. I feel really really bad right now.

 

I don't really have the emotional inteligence nor linguistic ability to describe it any further right now. It's just bad.

 

Guess this is another one of those days where I just have to eat shit and roll with it.

 

I hope that one day, I'll manage to get myself to such a place in life, from which emotional states like this one will only be a distant memory.

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🤗

 

23 minutes ago, Reborn2 said:

 

 

I don't really have the emotional inteligence nor linguistic ability to describe it any further right now. It's just bad.

Yes, you do, no need to describe or describe well,  just express whatever comes up. Flow of consciousness writing to start. Doesn't have to make sense to anyone. Put on some music, and set a timer for 15 minutes and just write whatever crap comes up. No judgement. 

 Youtube Channel  

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I have to record the videos because there's just too much stuff to learn. But I don't really want to use a screen recording software tool for obvious reasons. Which means I intend to record it with my phone and I am going to make a makeshift stand made from a mesh of wooden somethings and one silly decoration I don't really like anymore, to hold the phone in the desired position. I'll just drill a couple of screws here and there and it should hold everything in place. I want to start building my home building and repairing skills anyway, at least to a degree to which I'll be able to not entirely depend on other people to take care of my (future) place of living. I also want to be able to improvise.

 

But in the meantime, I'll have to position my laptop and my phone in the most ideal recording positions without that.

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I have to move out, co-rent a room, that way it's going to be relatively cheap. I believe I'll be able to find a good offer, since I'm not in hurry. Because I'll still need to make a bit more money for that regardless. So, no sooner than late spring/early summer. It's probably going to be later though, just being real. But at least I have a target to aim for.

 

This way, I'll still be able put off the same ammount every month for the future mortgage downpayment as well as for future pension, as I'm putting off currently. I just need to be making a bit more money, a few houndreds more.

 

I need this psychologically and practically as well, living directly in a city is going to be advantageous for me in many ways as opposed to living where I live currently. I don't think living in the place I'm living in serves me very well psychologically, in fact quite the opposite.

 

But idk. We'll see. Market's getting tougher but where's a will, there's a way. But it's gonna take a long time. I'll have to be patient and strong willed

Edited by Reborn2
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Alternatively, there are less responsible options on the table, and that is to temporarilly say fuck you to the downpayment by either putting off less or nothing at all. This is where absolute bulk of my money go to every month. Like, at first 60% then I increased it recently to 90%. I can get it to 45% or less for a period of time, then I can increase it again once I'll start earning more.

 

So technically I could be moving out this week if I wanted to. But I feel like I should try to earn it a bit more first and also wait for the best possible deal. Also, there's now a host of medical concerns due to me having that medical condition I've mentioned previously here, and God knows what that is caused by, that could shuffle the cards in a very negative way. So regardless of anything, I'll have to wait at least until April or May

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This pretty (most look pretty to me) tall brunette woman made a lot of eye contact with me on the tramway, now I'm not one of those guy who count every single slight glance at my direction or polite behaviour or friendly interaction as a signifier of interest, but this girl was clearly checking me out, even when I wasn't looking at her she was looking at me multiple times and when our eyes met she was looking directly into my eyes for a long time. I get some girls to do it to me every once in a while, at this point I know it when I see it. I shoulda shoot my shot and then I woulda know for sure; but she was gone before I could do anything unfortunately

 

Life is passing me by man, I gotta move to a city so I get exposed to more experiences and get outta my shell

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