Pitter patter, mad as a hatter

[the system made me]

I am attention seeking. But I know that now because Phil told me I can be like that. I get high off of SLA, my narcissism and codependency. Tonight I feel so damn passionate. The smells, tastes, touch, sights and sounds. It's all so damn bright. Sitting with the pain, sharing with people. Getting out there. I'm not all good. Right speech and don't be a victim. How to express without suppressing? Women don't like me. I'm not that guy. People don't believe I am crazy. But I am. I don't know if this is Right Mindfulness. I'm trying. I'm working on my karma. God gave me this pain and I'm feeling it. Some days I can't sit with it. It's not endearing when I get emotional. It's not out of character for me. It's endearing and forgivable when the hard guys get emotional. I am attention seeking. But, fuck it. It's me. There are no right words. I haven't a clue what the right words are. I keep fucking up. But I keep going. I'm high in negative emotion. So I look for the highs and feel so damn worthless. I feel overwhelmed by negative emotion. I'm coming down off of the SLA. I tried again today. I don't understand women. I'm hard. I just don't act hard. All the pretty girls go for the hard guys. I've seen it over and over in the past 11 weeks. I want to be a fly on the wall and listen to what they say. I want one, love. Maybe this is attention seeking. I feel a yearning to share my life with someone. I fell in love on Sunday and dropped out of it on Monday after she relapsed and went back to her ex-boyfriend. But fuck it, there's no me. There's just what I feel. I'm in pain all the time unless I distract myself and escape it for a while. But I'm finding joy in the pain. I'll get there. It's just going to take this mysterious thing called time to pass. I'm hurting. But I'm feeling it and I grow and grow and learn and learn. Fuck it, it's me. I feel ashamed and in despair. I feel so very alone. I'm trying to feel happy. I love the pain. I fucking love it right now. It's a siren calling out from the abyss beckoning me to come home. 

[the system made me]

I'm pretty high in negative emotion. I keep thinking about bailing on mindfulness. I can't explain it. I know more after a month of practicing it. Relaxing into emotions teaches me so much. But it's not intellectual. It's an adventure. I've come to the conclusion that Buddha spoke the truth 2.5 millennia ago. No offence, but most teachers repackage it, or parts of it, like it's something new. I'm not a Buddhist. And my knowledge is limited because I'm lazy. Mindfulness and Samadhi are huge. I'm just trying to follow it. Well maybe I'm not actively doing all of the Eightfold Path. Feeling my emotions and relaxing into them is an adventure. I can't do it all the time because it gets overwhelming. But there's awareness or Samadhi to soothe how I feel. I love the pain. It's beautiful. It hurts but it's really amazing right now. Sirens from the abyss. 

[the system made me]

 

[the system made me]

I like this girls scar. She wore a dress and I saw life lived. Pain written on her skin. 

[the system made me]

I talked about something innocuous for a rehab in group. And people jumped in trying to fix me and tell me to focus on the positive and to not overthink so much. Mindfulness is the only thing that has worked for me to process emotions. People say, "keep it simple stupid". But they don't know what that means. A girl was trying to discourage me from working on myself and to be more positive. I realise that telling people how I feel with them knowing who I am is not the way to go. People don't want to hold the energy. It triggers them. But it's so weird that people offer all this spiritual and psychological advice and they don't know what they are talking about and don't practice it themselves. I used to be terrible for this. I thought I understood 'The Power of Now'. But I didn't. I was full of advice when I didn't have any clue how to fix myself. Most people are pressing, tensing up, closing, reacting, expressing all the time to deal with the emotions. I don't find expression processes emotion and it has, at times, and made things worse for me. I think a lot of teachers teach suppression. I'm not arrogant. I just think for myself. People don't like that. They want me to talk simple and to  just act happy, even if it's not how I feel. I've felt shame in my life because people tell me I overthink. But they tell me this because they don't understand what I mean and they pounce on me for it. People talk about things like spirit or soul and I look at them and I realise they're just saying the words but they haven't the faintest idea of what they are talking about. My sister and brother bullied me because I can think better than them. A lot of people use meditation to suppress emotions by beating them away. I talk about this sort of thing and I realised people aren't hearing me. They're confused but don't know they are confused. I don't care about IQ. I think it's flawed. Most of school and to a large extent, university, was about memory. I knew I was smarter than the kids who got better grades then me. Hitler had an IQ of 140 and rallied so many people to make himself the dictator of Germany. But he was obviously retarded. He had terrible ideas. Trump probably has a decent IQ since he's been so successful and has earned something much money. But he thought injecting people with bleach was a viable solution for treating COVID. That was a retarded statement. The group pressed me to respond but I held back. Because, what was I going to do? Tell them what they were saying was all retarded and unhelpful? I know I sound like an arrogant prick. But it's quite a lonely place to be where I've realised I'm smarter than almost everyone I come into contact with. Most people are really fucking stupid. People tell me they think I am clever. But I know I'm an idiot. Not a victim, just stupid. But, most people? They're retarded. I know it's not a good word to use. But I've spent years trying to communicate who I am to people. But they never heard it. They just accuse me of intellectualising and overthinking. This is kind of a small 'e' awakening. I wanted to not believe most people are stupid. But they really are. Writing all of this is retarded because of how arrogant, hurtful and low it is. Any jackass can burn down a barn. But fuck it, I don't need to impress people. They don't hear what I am actually saying. I'm not a narcissist. I just feel lonely and angry. 

[Mandy]

@the system made me The focus is almost entirely on the separate selves, the people who understand or don't understand The Power of Now, the me that is good or bad. You are either in the flow of the moment, nonresistant, in tune with Source, or you're feeling the guidance towards moving to that. There is not solidification of it. It's not a degree you earn and once it's yours you are "safe" forever. There's no earning, there's just allowance. There's no possession, there's just appreciation. No one is ever going to understand you, because you didn't come here to prove your worth to anyone else. 

[the system made me]

@Mandy, I read your words and felt attacked and felt indignant and angry. But then I got it, you aren't there. You're just like me, awareness with a stream of thought. It's not personal. It's very odd this tensing up and identifying with thought like I choose what I am going to write. Tensing up creates the illusion that I am doing this. People tell me I'm smart. I feel unnerved when they say that. I try to keep it simple. But there is no me. I thought so many times that I saw it but I kept forcing, closing, tensing up my muscles and couldn't figure out why things just couldn't get better. I was trying to be an Enlightened being. But there is no such thing. But things can get better. It's not as sexy as promising Enlightenment. But things can get better. I'm going to go into rehab today and be surrounded by people who are identified with all their thoughts. Maybe it will be strange. I really know very little. I don't know how to make anyone see this.

[Phil]

When you stop seeking attention you notice what you’re giving attention to. 

When you stop repeating beliefs about yourself, it stops seeming true. 

You no longer create that experience, and thus that is no longer your experience. 

It can be noticed there are thoughts about someone seeking attention & repeating beliefs, and this someone is not found in perception or sensation. 

[Mandy]

8 hours ago, the system made me said:

@Mandy, I read your words and felt attacked and felt indignant and angry. 

What do you believe the intention behind those words were? 

[the system made me]

@Phil @Mandy

 

Am I seeking attention? Or is that projection? Do you know me better than I do? Maybe I'm just in pain looking to release pressure. 

 

My intention behind those words was to be honest and to take something back. 

 

Why do you guys write what you write to me? Who are you? 

 

You say I'm attention seeking. But you created a website for people to post on where you can Lord over everyone and get attention. You do sessions with people where people want something from you. Do you know me? Or do you just see your own shadows in me? 

 

Maybe you don't know the truth. Maybe you're in a game of constant one-upmanship. Maybe you like flying in and picking people apart. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I'm just in pain and your way of getting out of pain doesn't work for me. 

 

I try to be a good boy. I try to write the right stuff but it's always wrong. Maybe you're narcissists. I don't know. Maybe you are. Maybe you're just like spiritual teachers filled to the brim with love but no empathy. I don't understand you. Maybe you don't understand me. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you're attention seeking. 

 

I don't write on here because I like it. I write on here to release pressure. I don't think you understand what this feels like. Whatever you have I don't think it's as good as you seem. 

 

I write on here because I want someone to know what I really think and feel. 

 

I feel so angry because I still don't understand what the Hell I am supposed to write. It feels contrived and you just accuse me of being attention seeking. 

 

Maybe you just want the right kind of followers. Maybe you just want conformity. Maybe you just want people to be like you. Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you don't know. Maybe neither of you have the faintest idea why your lives got better. Maybe thinking you do is ego. Maybe you're just a sack of bones walking around on a ball floating through space going nowhere. Maybe this is all attention seeking. Or maybe it's just desperation and you can't stand to be around someone who points out that you haven't the faintest idea of how to fix me. And I know that but I'm so desperate so I just keep writing knowing that I'm a few posts away from you telling me it's all attention seeking. 

[the system made me]

I feel like shit. I got into an argument with a guy on WhatsApp. I hate how stupid people can be. I sincerely mean this, I think the weight of IQ is a fallacy. IQ just makes being able to be stupid in more clever ways. I mean Hitler had an IQ of 140 and he had terrible ideas. 

 

He accused me of thinking I am intelligent. But I don't think I'm intelligent. I do stupid shit every day. If I were so clever why am I stuck in addiction? I barely function. That's not an overstatement. I'm on my last day of rehab and I'm spent. I am like a marathon runner that hit a wall five miles ago but just keeps going. People tell me I'm smart. I guess it feels nice but I find it unnerving. I don't have answers. 

 

I guess I'm a hypocrite. Maybe I'm a bully. I'm so just so fucking pissed that I wrote on here trying to write the right things and I just get that I'm attention seeking. It's a fucking slap. Maybe I feel entitled and I'm a spoilt brat. Or maybe the shame just gets me down. Maybe feeling shame most of the time sucks. Maybe trying to be perfect is exhausting. But why do I do that? My mind demands perfection from me. It demands that I be perfect and criticises me all the time for not being perfect. I am constantly trying to control people into liking me with my vigilance and meekness. There is no person who can just get me. I don't think that exists. Am I attention seeking? Or maybe I just feel like shit and I can't even stand three more hours of rehab. I'm in the trenches and people are telling me about the joys of peace. It's like, "yeah, I'd like some peace. But bullets are flying over me and bombs are going off around me." I'd love to not be at war. But I'm conscripted into this. It's like, if I walk away I feel like I'd get shot for desertion. 

 

But, peace. What is that like? I have C-PTSD. It's worse than the Schizophrenia I have. Maybe I'm not attention seeking. Maybe I'm just meek and in pain. Maybe I am just told I'm attention seeking because I can articulate myself relatively well and people don't like that. People have been passive aggressive with me because they think I'm smart and the resentment comes out sideways. Maybe I'm alright. I don't know why I write on here. I still feel like shit. 

 

Maybe we just see shadows. Vapour trails from times gone by that we believed about ourselves. Maybe you don't know me. Maybe you just know you. 

[Mandy]

@the system made me I would suggest starting a journal in the journal section, and putting a "no comments please" note if you'd rather not get responses from other forum members. It's also a good idea if you find yourself wanting to express what's authentic for you, without distractions from other comments. 

 

If I did want input and feedback from others in conversation, and every time I received a comment or attention, I immediately assumed that it was hostile, I think that the natural consequence would be attention seeking. If you were hungry and asking for food, but every time someone gave you something you assumed they were handing you poisoned food, and you threw it in the trash, the hunger would remain. It's just a natural consequence. 

 

Have you noticed that when someone responds to you, you often assume the intentions behind them are hostile towards you? All attention is going to be filtered through the lens, until the lens is examined. Until the food offered is eaten, instead of thrown back in the offeror's face, you'll feel hunger. The more you throw the food back, the less people respond, and the less the attention is given, so food/attention is sought. Eat, appreciate, take in what's offered. Allow YOURSELF that. No one is keeping you from the love and acceptance you seek. It's being handed to you, but you have to receive it, and in order to receive it you have to stop focusing on the thoughts that say you are unworthy of receiving it. 

 

People eventually stop responding for whatever reasons, they stop offering, but Source never does. The love and acceptance is here and now, it's not a power held by anyone, nor is it conditional. There's no question of your worth of receiving it. No one is questioning that. We may be inviting you to question the assumption of unworthiness, because that assumption is dead wrong. And occasionally when that's pointed out, it's believed that "I'M dead wrong" which of course feels horrible. 

 

NOOO. That's not what's being said. Look at the assumption only, it has nothing to  do with you. 

[Phil]

6 hours ago, the system made me said:

Am I seeking attention? Or is that projection?

I would introspect and deduce this for yourself. If it’s found to be the case I’d question why as in what’s wanted. 

If the topic of attention seeking is discordant, there’s a belief about it which can be dispelled. If the topic isn’t discordant, then there isn’t. 

 

 

6 hours ago, the system made me said:

Do you know me better than I do?

Direct experience is that of thought, perception and sensation. I, me, you, thinking and knowing are thoughts and what the thoughts imply there is, is not actually found in perception or sensation. 

[the system made me]

Nonduality is just about getting your mind to subtract all the negative perceptions you have of reality to the point where you just feel content. But duality, separation, God is still there going, "oh, you think so, do you?". It's the same as the wealth gurus who tell everyone they can be rich too and how great life is by being rich. But in all seriousness, what's the motive? There is an ego there. There is self-referential thought. I hate the lies and delusion. The delusion is that people in duality are deluded. No one understands what it's like to be me. There's nothing special about that. But I can do my absolute best to explain how this feels but it's just words. Schizophrenia sucks, complex trauma sucks, being an addict sucks. Being a loser sucks. Women I'm attracted to want nothing to do with me. I'm not attention seeking. I'm just lonely and in pain. What is reality? It's an enticing question. I put my Nonduality cap on for five and a half years and figured out all the concepts I wanted to understand. And, nothing. A child knows there is duality. It's self-evident. No one experiences it as a perception. But it's there. It's unfortunate to live with karma but it's there. I am trying to use mantra meditation to deal with these thoughts. I'm hurting myself with food and energy drinks. I tidied my bedroom, great. That's the most productive thing I did today. I'm 34 now, not 24 or 14. I was supposed to be a wealthy trader and retire by now. I'm living off of the government in a dry house. My mattress has stains on it that I have decided not to inspect. The towel they gave me had blood stains on it so I threw it in the bin. I feel so alone. I guess what I did get out of Nonduality is that I'm not that scared of death anymore. I'm still scared of how painful it might be before I go but it's still something. Without my parents I wouldn't really have anything to be attached to. If they were dead I'd be drunk now. I'm going to save up money to buy a new mattress. It'll take a few months but it'll be worth it. I crave Heaven. I want to know what that feels like. It has to be better than this. I'm going to try to be vegan. It didn't work with my medication. I couldn't sleep before when I tried it. I don't know the medical or biological reason why and couldn't find the answer online. I just don't want to pay people to torture and murder animals. People can't fathom why I drink. I look so normal and respectable. But inside, which is where I am all the time, it's terrible. I feel terrible. My mind tells me I am terrible. I'm grateful my room is tidy and my laundry is in the drier. I ate two cakes earlier instead of drinking alcohol. Fuck it, at least I didn't drink. If this is all a joke, God has a weird sense of humour. Fuck God. I hate Him. But I fear Him. Maybe He doesn't believe in me. All my posturing and projection. I feel so worthless. This woman I like asked if she could borrow £10. But I didn't have it. I've got a pound left now until Friday. And then she dropped that she's got a boyfriend into the next text. I've got food for tomorrow but not Thursday. I'll figure it out. I don't want to ask to borrow money right now because I'll drink. There's something to be said for being broke and in recovery. The options are limited. If I had £10,000 I'd be in a nice hotel room with alcohol, cocaine, mdma and to be honest, an attractive prostitute. Just to feel normal for a few hours. Is this just self-pity? Maybe I have things to feel sorry for myself about. I'm Barbadian and grew up there. But it was not pleasant because my brother and sister bullied me for the first twenty years of my life. They put all their insecurities and shame on me. Now my brain is wired up for shame. It's constant. It's always here in my Solar Plexus chakra and my thoughts. Nobody knows that unless I tell them. To be fair, maybe this is all why I want to drink. I'm here sitting on my bed watching the daylight fade, just waiting to be asleep, toking on a vape. The danger for me is that I want to be dead. And I want to go out with a bang. Not being scared to be dead with an addiction isn't a great fit. And when the cravings get going I even forget about my Mom and Dad. They are the light in my life. I love them more than I love myself. I hate this shit. Anyways I'm done now. Wrote and deleted a lot of writing and then wrote again. Fuck it, maybe this is attention seeking. Fuck it. 

 

 

[the system made me]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:36 PM, Mandy said:

@the system made me

Hey, thanks. Yes, I assume everyone hates me. I read your comment. I don't understand any of the feedback I get. I just feel inferior when I get it like I am doing something wrong. The only things that make sense to me are simple practical activities that I can implement. I'm trying mantra meditation. I don't mind if people don't read my posts. It's just word aspiration iterations diving ever closer to the conclusion that I am fucked but still can't let go. I don't experience Nonduality. I don't feel Source or love or anything like that. It's like Michael Phelps is describing what winning Gold feels like to someone with a leg missing. I can still get in the pool and swim and maybe compete in the Special Olympics if I trained hard enough. But I'll never know the joy of being the best because I can't. God just has different plans for me. If I had money I'd be drunk. It's the only way I've felt like I love everything. Honestly, if I could recreate that feeling without alcohol I would go to any lengths to get it. Thanks for your message. What you feel must be amazing considering how you don't take what I write personally. I'm glad you have that. 

[the system made me]

On 9/13/2023 at 2:38 PM, Phil said:

not actually found in perception or sensation. 

I know you understand what you write and I try my best to get there but it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm not trying to be rude or difficult. I wish I did understand. I know there is no experience of separation. It's not evident from my vantage point. But my mind concerns me with the problems of separation. I don't even know what I am thinking most of the time. I just know how it feels. I know you found something that works for you. But it doesn't do anything for me. I honestly tried to implement it but I don't understand. I wish I did. I've listened to so many people over the years but I'm here in this situation. I've thought so many times that I get 'it' and then reality slaps me over the head. I'm scared about what will come into this reality and what will leave it. My parents are in London. I don't see them right now but if I believed that they weren't alive anymore, that knowledge would torture me. I'm not explaining this very well. I can't fight thought successfully. But it hammers on me. I know I believe I am worthless and that that belief is irrational. But it persists. I know how it feels. I feel despair, pessimism, hopelessness and grief. Maybe I do get it. It's just a mechanism of thought arising which creates or produces a corresponding feeling. I believe there is something wrong with me so I feed the thought with rumination and tensing up and attention. I believe the thoughts and thus feed them. I think the mind is just an input-output system on a loop. I have to interrupt the loop or things won't change. The output feeds back in as input. What the mind creates feeds emotions which feeds the thoughts. Fuck, it seems so simple right now. I keep waiting for that one cataclysmic blow rush of energy that blows out all the pain and I then feel Enlightened. And then I feel despair and just fall back into rumination. I keep getting lost because I think I've got it and the shame comes swarming back in and then I give up or give in to thought. It's very obvious to me right now. But I have experienced that lightbulb many many times for years. 

 

Maybe I could be the King of Spain? Maybe that song came on my playlist right now for a reason. It's too much of a coincidence. I keep giving up before I even get started. I think I get why it's Nonduality. It's about negating the untrue and not replacing a false reality with another false reality. It's like I don't need to add anything. Just less, less, less. 

 

I have all these beliefs about myself - that I'm a loser, that I'm worthless, that everyone hates me. I see why, I think, it's not two. Trying to fill up reality or my mind with different self-referential thought like, "I am Enlightened" or "I'm not Enlightened" is not the point. That's all smoke and mirrors. Or maybe it is also about creation. Discordant thoughts cause suffering. Creating thoughts create happiness and joy. It's all happening right now. I don't know if I'm full of shit but I think I get it now. I couldn't see it before. I just couldn't get that belief are not that real. I thought I had to do something mechanistic like 10,000 hours of self-enquiry. It's funny that that word, I think, has a hyphen or subtraction sign. self minus inquiry. There's nowhere to get to. I honestly think I get it. Where did you learn this from? Did someone teach it to you?

 

 

[the system made me]

@Phil @Mandy Hey, I think I get what I wanted to get. I'm sorry for being accusatory, spiteful, short-tempered, hypocritical in how I could offer up criticism but could barely take advice. I thought I understood before and that God wanted me to suffer. I thought I was being punished for bad karma from this or a previous life. I just feel lighter and curious about where this goes. It was all so complicated and elusive to me. I thought I had to be perfect, to only have perfect thoughts and perfect intentions. I don't need to be perfect. I'm having all these projections about how I am inferior. I'm still having cravings to drink. A big belief for me is that I don't deserve to be happy. I believed I had to torture myself and I wasn't sure why exactly. Complex trauma is so awful. I thought I had to spend the next ten years feeling my way through all this pain and that I couldn't face that. I'm afraid to stop writing and listening to music. I'm afraid this is just yet another false realisation. I don't need to out manoeuvre reality. I don't need to dance faster than God. I don't need to try and impress you into fearing me. Maybe things can get better. I've believed for so long that something terrible is about to happen. Maybe I can feel happy. I'm not there but maybe. Or maybe that's just another discordant belief. I feel like eating a vegan cheeseburger. I'm hungry. Maybe tomorrow. I have peanuts. They'll do. 

 

 

[the system made me]

I just wanted to feel happy. I tried hard to get it. But my body said, "no!". I tried to be good and clever. But God was like, "yeah, but fuck you". I honestly want to be dead. I genuinely mean that. I tried and only fucked it up. Fuck it, I don't want to be here anymore. I think most people get what I mean but would rather not go there. How do you explain that you feel shame constantly? Other positive emotions come in, but the shame is still there. Maybe God hates some people. Maybe God is sadistic? Maybe He's not good?  I don't know. Maybe reality isn't omnibenevolent? Maybe I'm just on the Titanic describing it and people are just like, "it's just water. What's the big deal"? But it fucking hurts. I feel like I'm in the trenches with bullets flying over and bombs going off and people are like, "it's just perceptions". It's so bloody hard to convey how bad it is to have a mind that insists on shame and despair and hopelessness. I don't get it. I am 'almost'. That's my name. I have dined with the Gods and they just said, "yeah, but fuck you. You piece of shit." I've lived in fear of death but I don't care anymore. I don't want to leave my Mom and Dad behind without me. But apart from that I'm happy to not exist anymore. Fuck this shit. Fuck God. I fucking hate Him. Why does it have to be this way? I don't want Him. I hate Him. Fuck His kingdom and all of what He has to offer. I want out. I hate reality. 

[the system made me]

I tried to be normal. I tried to feel happy. It's a complete fucking mystery. I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I am at the bottom of society wondering, " what is it like to have an attractive woman be attracted to you?". What is that like? I was supposed to be a trader and be rich and retire by now. Who holds reality? Who knows what it's like to be here? I just want out. I tried. And just fucked it up. I have no idea where I end and God begins. I just want out. I got in the ring and threw a few punches and got the shit kicked out of me. And now, what the fuck do I do? I don't think people understand how fed up I am with reality and that I genuinely don't want to be here anymore. You probably think I am being insincere. I hate reality, Earth, this floating fucking ball in space. I don't see the point of it. I don't perceive a good God. I think this place is Hell and I've had enough. I just want to be asleep so I don't have to do this for a while.I just feel remorse and hatred. I know things can get worse and to be fair I haven't killed myself yet. I genuinely don't care if consciousness can die or not. Fuck it. Fuck this shit. I don't think you understand that I genuinely mean this if you say this is attention seeking. That's a trivial interpretation. I have not wanted to be here for a long time. I just don't kill myself because it would destroy my parents. I love them more than I love myself. I fucking hate what I feel. My sister and brother tortured me and my mind doesn't give a fuck what reality is. It hates me and fucking destroys me. I really want to die now. Fuck God, fuck reality, fuck all of this. It's not impressive or redeemable. It's just smoke and mirrors confusing people into worshipping it. I hate God. I won't forgive Him. Fuck Him. I tried so hard to feel happy. Fuck it. 

[the system made me]

I want to be dead. I don't have it in me to carry on beyond this. I can't be bothered to kill myself. But i'm equally not interested in being here. I don't care anymore. I've had enough. I don't think most people understand complex trauma. It's like water torture. People think, "oh, that's just a water drop. No big deal". And I die inside because everyone just thinks I'm over reacting. But to have drops of water fall on the side of your head by your eyes constantly becomes torture. But people say, "oh, that's not a big deal". And all that makes me want to just kill myself. It's like seeing reality with perfect vision while everyone else has it a bit blurry and doesn't perceive the guy with the knife standing in the corner. Maybe I'm not explaining this very well. I constantly feel shame and I am genuinely not interested in going on with this bullshit now. However God wanted me to feel, I feel it. I, as a matter of fact, hate the motherfucker that is God. Fuck Him and all his angels and everyone who worships Him. He is a prick and I hope He feels what I feel one day and sees that what He is doing to me makes Him a worthless piece of shit. He is a cunt.