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Mind Games


Celestial

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Sometimes it feels like everything i say is not authentic. Sort of bullshitting to myself and people around me. 

 

Like how whenever someone says "hey how are ya", I always say "good". Even if I'm not "good". I could be feeling like shit and ill always say "good".

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I've thought about just openly telling everyone in my life that I've seen a UFO and it felt like it was supposed to happen.

Because it's the truth. I wonder what everyone would think, i'd probably get a talking to at work. 

 

I'm sure one day I'll be more open about it. 

 

It would be interesting to see people's reactions.

 

 

 

 

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Im sort of in the flow now so ill keep writing. 

 

Universe: please deliver me peace and true happiness. Please deliver me authenticity and direction. Please deliver me whatever I need to experience. I want to help people in the future. I want to a force of good in the world. 

 

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To myself:

 

There's only one moment at a time. Just be present to it. Act in the most natural way, without doubt. If you fuck up, enjoy the fuck up and relish the experience of fucking up. 

 

Instead of getting embarrassed, try and see the comedy of viewing getting embarrassed as a serious thing. 

 

Is my face blushing? Big woop. 

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Feels like the more I become aware of my own suffering the worse it gets. I'm getting distracted too easily and I notice this yet I still distract myself. 

 

Obviously I'm at where I'm at so I've just got to enjoy the suffering. I'm feeling extremely inauthentic with life. Not sure how I feel about friendship. Sometimes it's easier to just stick to myself when I'm feeling off. 

 

Not sure what I want out of life besides true peace. I want to feel completely "home".

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I don't actually know if I care about truth but I just want to feel at peace with EVERYTHING.

 

I want to feel at peace with myself mostly, I think if I Self-Love completely then everything will take care. I want to experience DEEP compassion for everything. I want to experience grounded peace. I want to experience home. True home, where my heart yearns. I want to love everyone. I want to cry my heart out. 

 

I want to stop assuming. I want to stop judging. I want compassion to replace judgement. I want sadness to replace anger. I want to cry more, and love more. I want to express more. I want to experience a taste of the source of love. I want to feel everything.

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Just did some tre, feels good after, body feels better holding onto less in a way. Also decided to play this 

while letting the body tremor, it felt like it harmonised nicely but I'm still not getting that real peace im looking for. Been struggling to meditate recently and distracting myself, didn't go out with my friends yesterday because it was easier to just stay at home but I also feel like I enjoy time with just me. 

Think I'll start journalling more as it's just another thing I've been putting off and I'm tired of not experiencing true peace

 

 

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I think I'm waiting for some sort of massive event that I think will provide everlasting peace and true satisfaction. 

 

This means im overlooking THIS CURRENT present experience constantly. It always feels like ill be more peaceful, enlightened, in the future. I'm not sure if this is how everyone first thinks when they get into spirituality. 

Sometimes the amount of practices and tools etc overwhelm me and I just end up doing nothing and distracting myself by watching YouTube all day after work. I'm wanting to meet new people and try new things because sometimes I feel like my friendships are stale yet I also would feel bad just leaving my friends because they might view it as me not wanting to be friends anymore. 

 

I haven't even given the emotional scale a go properly and I've known about it for a while, yet I constantly seek to eradicate my suffering. 

Its like I'm waiting for some sort of grace to just nuke my suffering from existence. 

 

Im going on another 10 day retreat in august and part of me is thinking that I'll have some sort of breakthrough experience there and it'll change my life.

 

Every time I journal I recognise how it feels to express my thoughts rather than to let them fester all day and to hold onto that yucky feeling in the body. 

 

Although sometimes when I journal I doubt myself and am not sure what I'm journalling about it actually what I really want to say. 

Part of me wants some sort of guidance about this whole thing but I struggle to articulate exactly what's going on with my life and my desires and my struggles. 

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@CelestialHello. Hope you don't mind me jumping in.

 

It seems that you are writing out your thoughts, but not looking at what emotion is behind, "fueling" the thought.

 

8 hours ago, Celestial said:

I think I'm waiting for some sort of massive event that I think will provide everlasting peace and true satisfaction. 

That is a thought. But what emotion are you feeling, giving you that perspective/thought? Seems like discouragement. Realizing and expressing that might be what you are looking for. 

 

In that way you can move up the scale. Look at what you wrote, find out how you are feeling that gives you those thoughts/perspectives.

 

If you were feeling great, your outlook and way of looking at things would be completely different. You wouldn't get the thought "

8 hours ago, Celestial said:

yet I constantly seek to eradicate my suffering.

"

 

So how are you feeling now since you get a thought/perspective like that?

 

Sounds like frustration.

 

 

Just what came to mind ❤️ 

Edited by WhiteOwl
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@WhiteOwl

Appreciate your input. ❤

 

I was just writing some thoughts but I'm also wanting to start using the scale alongside journalling.

 

If you were expressing discouragement, how do you know when you're ready to express the next emotion? Or is it not necessary to be fully empty of discouragement before moving up the scale?

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Feeling discouraged with all of the spiritual bullshit I've accumulated, not sure exactly how to proceed with the path. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to do with my life in general. I sometimes feel full-on enthusiasm for spirituality and it feels great and I can wake up the next day and feel shitty. 

 

Why does society have to be so toxic, why can't everyone just stop focusing on money. I feel like I've been caught in the trap of society. Wanting money because everyone else says it's so important. Can't really have a successful life without money, spend years working just so you can live, when most of the day is spent at work. Working for a massive corporation that profits billions every year while earning minimum wage. 

 

I worry about my family and about the future. I experience worry about social interactions. 

 

I experience doubt about spiritual practice and if freedom from suffering is possible for me. I'm not sure exactly what path is the best. So many teachers and teachings. I completely doubt certain things that I once had full confidence in. I'm not sure how the meditation retreat will go.

 

Im disappointed in myself for constantly being so self centred and selfish. Also why is society so destructive to the earth. Humans raping the earth, the seas.

 

There's so many different paths to take in life how the fuck are you supposed to know. I experience overwhelm with the magnitude of different teachers, teachings. Some teaching that i trusted like actualized that I don't listen to at all anymore. How do people make the decision to become monks and to just leave society, couldn't imagine doing that long term.

 

Why can't I just experience peace for once. True peace that feels like home. Why do I have to work my ass off every week and stay in the same cycles of coming home and distracting myself on my tablet. Why does everything have to be designed to steal our attention for profit. Social media is a fucking joke and makes people miserable. Facebook is literally designed like a funking slot machine to spike dopamine. How the fuck is gambling legal if the government cares so much about the populations well being. Cigarettes and alcohol are legal and fully accepted my society while carrying the dangers that they do, while mind expanding substances like psilocybin and lsd are demonised by almost every average Joe. Completely fucking backwards. Why can't psychedelics be societies "drug of choice".  Surely society would be a better place if no one drank alcohol.

I want to experience peace why can't I. Why do I have to meditate, express etc to feel peace. Why is unhappiness the default on earth. How broken must society be that its a common occurrence that there are young people shooting up schools. Imagine the state of fucking mind you have to be in to decide to shoot up a school for fucks sake. 

 

Im struggling to find thoughts to express pessimism.

 

Im bored with the merry go round of suffering. Feeling good sometimes and feeling shit at other times. 

 

Im content where i am now. Theres nothing i can change about anything so the only thing to do is to be where I am and to be with the moment. This moment doesn't have any problems except the problems I create. There is contentness right now. Writing these words is contentness. Content with my sore legs after my first run in a long time yesterday. 

 

I'm on the right path and there is hope for humanity. The younger people are the more they are finding that the current way that society is, wont be sustainable in the future. There is massive amounts of hope for the future generations, innovation and increased empathy and care for the other animals of earth. Im hopeful that love will be the main experience on earth.

 

Im eager for the experiences that im in store for. Im eager to experience another retreat even if it is filled with suffering i need to work through. Society will grow and more people will realise that love is the way forward, not separation and greed. Im experiencing hopefulness but it doesn't matter what for.

 

I am so eager to FEEL and to take the journey to peace. I am enthusiastic about the solidifying of my views on life. Whatever will happen i am eager and extremely interested with what will happen after this life on earth. Imagine the different cultures and societies on other planets. 

 

Im passionate about life, fitness and health. I experiencing passion for the upcoming retreat. Im passionate about being myself and truly being who I am without compromise. 

 

I love this experience and the opportunity to be at this place and at this time. So many exciting things going on. So many different possibilities. Endless possibilities. I love the people in my life. I love the suffering. I really love music. I love being able to write this stuff.

 

 

 

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9 hours ago, Celestial said:

If you were expressing discouragement, how do you know when you're ready to express the next emotion? Or is it not necessary to be fully empty of discouragement before moving up the scale?

Its not necessary. You don't need to force write something if nothing comes to surface. 

 

You can always ask yourself; What in this moment prevents me from feeling great? Maybe some things comes up to express. If not then i wouldn't force it.

 

Sometimes i move past emotions quickly when expressing if nothing comes up. You can always go back.

 

8 hours ago, Celestial said:

Why does society have to be so toxic, why can't everyone just stop focusing on money. I feel like I've been caught in the trap of society. Wanting money because everyone else says it's so important. Can't really have a successful life without money, spend years working just so you can live, when most of the day is spent at work. Working for a massive corporation that profits billions every year while earning minimum wage. 

This sounds very much like anger/blame to me. 

The thing you want is feeling good, and this perspective is making you feel otherwise, no matter how "right" it might seem. 

The trap is to justify, and hereby not look at the emotion behind the perspective. (Projection)

When you look at the "situation" from the emotion of blame/anger, it will look like that. But from a different "feeling place", it won't look like that. Thats the crazy thing.

 

 

 

 

4 hours ago, Celestial said:

Think I sort of faked going through the scale, didn't earnestly feel each emotion and made everything up 

 

I know very well what you mean, i feel like that sometimes also and a lot when i just started. I think it works like everything else. With practice you will start to notice more things and how to go about it. So just stay with it and know that you are surely going in the right direction 🙂 100% 

 

Sometimes my emotions change from bottom - top and its becoming more frequent, and sometimes i might not be aware of where i am blocking myself or what discordant perspectives i am "holding". But i only get closer to it by taking the step.

 

 

Seems like great expression, and i think there is a lot to realize by reading what you wrote  after from a sort of objective stand-point. Before it was "inside", now its outside on your screen. 

 

 

Anyways i'm no expert, but it has helped me a lot so far, and its only becoming better with a little practice. Will be the same for you

 

Edited by WhiteOwl
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My brother and I are vegatarian/vegan.

My mum bought me and my brother some stuffed capsicums as a treat. I warm mine up, start eating it and it had the texture of meat so I inspected it and sure enough, there was minced beef throughout the capsicum. I told my mum as she bought 4 and they all had pieces of meat in them. She called the place where she bought them, all good the lady was surprised to hear that there was meat in them as "she cooked them all today and they were all vegan". Anyway she said that we could come pick up 4 vegetarian ones. So I left to go pick up the vegetarian ones and as soon as I got to the place the lady immediately tried to say that there's no way they were all meat. I said I was pretty sure they were and I even showed her a pic of some of the mince from inside the capsicum. She then said yeah there was one left with meat you must've only had one with meat and three that were veggo. I offered to go home to pick up the capsicums that contained meat to show her but she wasn't interested. Anyway, she reluctantly gave me 4 fresh capsicums that were veggo. Felt like a criminal the way she sorta questioned my and my mums honesty. I was thinking to myself, maybe we fucked up and we just stooged her out of 4 stuffed capsicums. I go home, tell my mum about the experience, and I investigate the capsicums to make sure that we were correct and indeed me and my mum found minced meat throughout all of the capsicums. 

 

My mum decides to take the four capsicums that had meat back to the shop to show the lady that we were being honest and to prove that they contained meat. My mum gets home and tells me the lady argued for about 10 minutes and claimed that they didn't have meat, while my mum was literally POINTING OUT THE FUCKING MEAT to her. Apparently after about 10 minutes of back and forth the lady tried a bit of the meat that she claimed was a vegetable, and sure enough she fucking finally admitted that it was meat. 

 

What the actual fuck. Felt like writing that down. I also felt like getting revenge and giving them a bad review on google but probably a waste of time and that doesn't feel good really. 

 

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