Breakup, heartbreak, panic attack

[Devin]

I broke up with my girlfriend and was having some hard heartbreak last night, I made a post but deleted it. I felt like sharing, it feels good to me to get it out and I think it can help others to know other people have hard times.

 

Our relationship was and is good but it wasn't what I wanted. I was feeling the worst amount of grief and like panic attack I ever remember feeling, I tried to suppress it a bit because it was so scary, I let it out and sobbed like I never remember sobbing, this is all after already crying and being with her the night before and all yesterday, I'm still getting sad and emotional, but last night was "bad", I have no one in life to go to for refuge and I think the isolation really contributed to the panic attack sort of reaction I had, I felt claustrophobic and like I was drowning, really scared, I'm finishing a big project right now i know there'snl never a perfect time for this but it just piled on more. I then sort of leaned into it and it really poured out, but what I really wanted to share was when it felt like too much, when I started to feel a bit of real darkness creep in, I acknowledged there is no I and it almost immediately dissipated, if you ever get in that deep I'm just throwing it out there for a parachute to try, I just tried it not believing it would work. I feel like it did suppress what I still need to let out the rest of the way but this makes me less afraid to let more out.

[Orb]

I want to say that things will get better but that isn't fully true because it implies that this moment right now of heartbreak is somehow bad and eventually it will get better which is false. 

 

Because this heartbreak and crying it out is perfect 💙💙. Heartbreak is so intense, feels like the warm blanket you once had is gone. All the emotional stuff will work itself out and is already. 

 

Idk if this helps but, maybe see the crying as a meditation, sit on your cushion, put on a blanket and just let the tears come out and feel the sorrow so deeply, try to "understand" it through feeling it. 

 

Allow the experience of girlfriend and heartbreak to point you even closer to Truth, Nonduality, etc. Which it is already actually. 

 

These experiences imo are like the universe pointing you towards that which never comes and go's and always is. We become attached to appearances but they leave eventually, including ourselves (bodies). 

 

That doesn't mean that heartbreak and loving relationships are unnatural or wrong in anyway in fact its an amazing aspect of life. 

 

It's all good bro, thanks for sharing with us 💙💙💙.

[Devin]

42 minutes ago, Orb said:

I want to say that things will get better but that isn't fully true because it implies that this moment right now of heartbreak is somehow bad and eventually it will get better which is false. 

 

Because this heartbreak and crying it out is perfect 💙💙. Heartbreak is so intense, feels like the warm blanket you once had is gone. All the emotional stuff will work itself out and is already. 

 

Idk if this helps but, maybe see the crying as a meditation, sit on your cushion, put on a blanket and just let the tears come out and feel the sorrow so deeply, try to "understand" it through feeling it. 

 

Allow the experience of girlfriend and heartbreak to point you even closer to Truth, Nonduality, etc. Which it is already actually. 

 

These experiences imo are like the universe pointing you towards that which never comes and go's and always is. We become attached to appearances but they leave eventually, including ourselves (bodies). 

 

That doesn't mean that heartbreak and loving relationships are unnatural or wrong in anyway in fact its an amazing aspect of life. 

 

It's all good bro, thanks for sharing with us 💙💙💙.

Thank you Orb, all of that really does help. The crying out definitely feels meditative I don't remember thinking of it that way before, it feels like such a release. Still whirlwinds of emotions and thoughts pop up out of nowhere obviously.

 

She really doesn't want to end it which makes me get that really DEEP feeling of sadness, but I think we will both be okay, we're still on good terms and friends so I want to help her through this, we spent all day yesterday and the evening before talking about it and crying together, I feel like that will really help with closure and her coming out of it ready to take on the world. I don't plan on dating for a long time, gonna take time away, finish my project, and get my head on straighter.

Edited August 22 by Devin

[Phil]

Everything is really working out. You’re doing great. Really great. For real. Your heart’s in the right place. You’re in the right place, the right time, the right position. Exactly as is, it’s all working out. That it can sometimes not seem so is so utterly beautiful. Hang in there buddy. There’s so much more in store for you.  

[Devin]

51 minutes ago, Phil said:

Everything is really working out. You’re doing great. Really great. For real. Your heart’s in the right place. You’re in the right place, the right time, the right position. Exactly as is, it’s all working out. That it can sometimes not seem so is so utterly beautiful. Hang in there buddy. There’s so much more in store for you.  

Thank you Phil, that really helps, it's really encouraging.

 

I don't worry often for me about it, I worry for her, and about trying to correct any possible wrongs and communicate everything for closure. I usually don't worry about being alone, I'm okay with never finding someone, although I would like to. I think she really wants to though, and she is a great woman, and I know she can find a great man she wants to be with, she just has doubt about it and that destroys me. 

 

What kills me even more is how strong and brave of a woman she is but something is in her way that makes her scared and doubt. She's braver than me, the things she's done blows me away.

Edited August 23 by Devin

[Phil]

@Devin

The emotional scale is a great way to look at doubt, fear and panic attacks imo. That’s you at the very top, and since you’re being creation, you naturally forget / overlook that you are, and thoughts arise about the whole situation. 

 

Then there’s emotions, or, how the thoughts feel. When we’re scared, we’re ‘getting in our own’ way… by adding a mental second self… the ‘one that’s scared’. But when there’s fear, which might be thought to be ‘of something’, or ‘of not having something’… how the thought feels let’s us know a lot about what we really are, and that therein is guidance for our thinkin. 

 

I noticed sometimes on behalf of my kids there was an initial inclination of not wanting them to feel fear, doubt or panic attacks. But that’d be like not wanting them to have the guidance, not wanting them to feel & realize what they really are, and that’s what I want for them more than anything. So although it could sound callus in a different light, I’m at peace when they do experience these emotions & even if they experience panic attacks. 

 

I’ve experienced panic attacks. Once one lasted for several days & nights. I was sweating and experiencing jolts all night instead of sleeping. It was really starting to get rough, debilitating really. What I found was I was listening to the head, not the guidance. I wasn’t really feeling what I was really feeling. It was like the guidance was getting louder. I just kinda said fuck it, I’m done. You tell me what to do & I’ll listen. And it stopped on a dime. It was quite miraculous really that all that discord could stop instantly. 

 

What was seen in hindsight was I’d built up a little resentment or animosity that I wasn’t very aware of. The head justified & rationalized it. It started with some regulatory changes in an industry I work in, and it accumulated slowly right under the ol radar. I struggled to see that things were working out. I’d adapted to worry, fear & doubt right under my own nose. The panic attacks ‘woke me up’. Made me listen to well being before thoughts. I’m very thankful that it did, that our source it that good. 

[Devin]

46 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Devin

The emotional scale is a great way to look at doubt, fear and panic attacks imo. That’s you at the very top, and since you’re being creation, you naturally forget / overlook that you are, and thoughts arise about the whole situation. 

 

Then there’s emotions, or, how the thoughts feel. When we’re scared, we’re ‘getting in our own’ way… by adding a mental second self… the ‘one that’s scared’. But when there’s fear, which might be thought to be ‘of something’, or ‘of not having something’… how the thought feels let’s us know a lot about what we really are, and that therein is guidance for our thinkin. 

 

I noticed sometimes on behalf of my kids there was an initial inclination of not wanting them to feel fear, doubt or panic attacks. But that’d be like not wanting them to have the guidance, not wanting them to feel & realize what they really are, and that’s what I want for them more than anything. So although it could sound callus in a different light, I’m at peace when they do experience these emotions & even if they experience panic attacks. 

 

I’ve experienced panic attacks. Once one lasted for several days & nights. I was sweating and experiencing jolts all night instead of sleeping. It was really starting to get rough, debilitating really. What I found was I was listening to the head, not the guidance. I wasn’t really feeling what I was really feeling. It was like the guidance was getting louder. I just kinda said fuck it, I’m done. You tell me what to do & I’ll listen. And it stopped on a dime. It was quite miraculous really that all that discord could stop instantly. 

 

What was seen in hindsight was I’d built up a little resentment or animosity that I wasn’t very aware of. The head justified & rationalized it. It started with some regulatory changes in an industry I work in, and it accumulated slowly right under the ol radar. I struggled to see that things were working out. I’d adapted to worry, fear & doubt right under my own nose. The panic attacks ‘woke me up’. Made me listen to well being before thoughts. I’m very thankful that it did, that our source it that good. 

 

Phil that may be the most GODDAMN beautiful thing I've ever heard.

 

Thank you Phil, that is so beautiful, I'm blown away, when I started reading it and saw it was a long post I sort of felt like "shit here's another thoughtful long ass post full of semantics and sentences I have to read ten times to still not understand", no, this is so beautiful, every word makes perfect sense the first time I read it, and every next word I felt more and more joy.

 

Thank you so much for writing that, I'm like a little gobsmacked. 

[Orb]

@Phil thanks for sharing that. Yesterday after doing self inquiry for hours the boundaries faded away and I felt like a baby just full of helplessness. 

 

Thoughts came up of horrible things and felt so real and the burn was felt. But this time it was clearly seen that it's just how thoughts feel and "you" cannot fight or overcome the guidance. 

 

There's a subtle arrogance in believing that you can overcome the guidance. 

 

I "see" the scale in a new light, because there's no focuser of thoughts or thinker or feeler of feeling, just an arising thought and how it feels. 

[Devin]

@Phil I FINALLY feel like I understand what you've been telling me and what you teach in your videos, it's finally put in a language i understand.

[Phil]

@Orb @Devin

☺️🙏🏻♥️

[Devin]

It's so great to have clarity in what type of woman you want to marry, I've struggled with doubt as to whether I'm too picky, or if she would be too rare of a type of woman, but she's what I want. I feel like a bloodhound.

[Devin]

I would rather live my solo life blissed out looking for the one I want rather than give in, I don't think I want any other type of woman, there's no second place, this may be some psychological issue, and if someone thinks so please tell me, but it feels good, it feels like an obsession, but right now it doesn't feel bad, sometimes I doubt, but I see no downside.