the system made me Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 I believe that if I witness my pain without resisting it it will eventually run out. But unfortunately, wanting it to run out, as a thought, creates resistance which makes the pain stay. Thankfully, practically I believe it is doable. I can just feel these emotions fully and not tense up around them. It may take many years to process them. Feeling my emotions teaches me about suffering and this brings me empathy and compassion for other beings. I believe I'm always where God wants me to be. All my mistakes and successes are His teachings for me. I want to wake up; but I also want to grow up. I've got some catching up to do. But I want to do it. I want to learn and live life fully. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 I can view shame in a shaming way. I believed God is punishing me. Concepts can be unhelpful like this. Attention and not resisting gives me some insight. An emotion is triggered by a corresponding thought. And there are many different ways to interject into the cycle or thoughts creating emotions and emotions leading to those thoughts. The way I am going is to feel these emotions that last 60 to 90 seconds. It feels too much and overwhelming. And they're are different conceptual understandings around this simple practice and some are more helpful to me than others. I think I have all this shame because of suppression and repression in my childhood. I can go into blaming my family or I can view this as karma and then I think I deserve this. Or I can think that we have a collective psyche and I am holding the pain of our species. Or I can look to science and see that these emotions only last 60 to 90 seconds. I am down this rabbit hole. I can analyse the bits and pieces that I see. But ultimately all there is down the rabbit hole is the darkness. There are many different practices and teachings on how to walk out of it. I can't explain the pain. It's overwhelming. The shame is so tight that it feels like something is lightly gripping one of my organs and it feels like a constant tension. Conceptually I can make this very difficult with projection and fear and impatience and adding shameful thoughts. The shameful thought is that I must feel this way because I deserve it. Or I can see that this shame is an occurrence and I can go into thought and think about all the bad things I can remember that I've done and create plans for retribution or whatever. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry for all this pain I am in. I feel like I am being hugged by shame. That's why I act out addictively. I'm not a teacher. I'm just a wandering traveller in this space. If I get kicked out of rehab on Monday I will still carry on feeling emotions without resistance. I am prepared. I am. I'm really sorry. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 I think emotions are at the edge of where the unconscious meets the conscious. These two worlds both touch here. There are so many ways, I believe, to go about healing. Too many concepts and unhelpful concepts make me impatient and give up before the job is done. I would like to eventually be able to help other people. There's not much point in going into thought about how long this will take. But I am putting ointment on my psychological wounds and bandaging them. It will take time and maybe time won't take them. But I will endeavour to be less lost in projection and be more in the present, as it is. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 https://www.actualityofbeing.com/the-emotional-scale Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 14 Author Share Posted August 14 @Phil, alright. I feel despair all the time. I feel jealous of people who are happy. I feel frustrated that I don't get it. I feel hatred towards the people who broke my will. I want to break their's. I feel like getting drunk. I want alcohol. I feel scared and I don't know why. I resent you. Why do you get it and I don't? Why do I have to feel like this? It's frustrating. I'm not a bad person. I don't believe I am a bad person. But my mind believes I am a bad person and have done something awful. I feel scared that I will always feel this way. The weather sucks right now. I feel despair all day, every day. I feel rage towards my brother and sister. I want to destroy them so they feel this pain. If my mind were an external tribe I would commit genocide on it. I'm exhausted from feeling hopelessness, shame, fear, despair and like an open wound that people can poke with their comments and looks. I hate reality. I hate myself. I hate you. I hate everyone. I feel discouraged because I try and try and still feel the same. I just want to go home. I desire having $5,000,000 and to go and live a quiet life back home. I feel pessimistic because nothing changes. I feel doubt around whether things will ever get better. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I hate all of you. I hate God. I hate reality. I'm scared of retribution. I resent Mandy for being intelligent and attractive. I feel despair and I want out. I just want to go down to the supermarket, steal a bunch of alcohol and drink myself into oblivion. I feel powerless over how I feel. I feel guilty for writing all of this. I feel jealous of people who have their shit together. I blame my sister and brother for dumping all their shit on me for years. I feel overwhelmed. I'm so fucking angry. I want to cut my fucking face off. I hate the way I look. I hate that I am overweight and can't eat healthy and get my shit together. I'm disappointed that it's come to this. I want out. I want oblivion so I don't have to feel these feelings. I hate all of you. I hate those of you who get and those of you who don't. I hate everything. I want revenge on reality. I wish I could pick the wings off of God's angels to get revenge on him. And I'm fucking bored of pretending. All the fucking time I pretend like I'm alright. I'm never alright. I'm stuck in these feelings. I feel rage towards the people who have been gang-stalking me. I feel despair because of my open wound. I want to put a virus on this website and in everyone's mind so that they feel what I feel... Maybe I did it wrong but I still feel like absolute shit. And I'm almost out of cigarettes and have no money until Thursday. Mandy, thank you for the projections. The Anima and all that. I don't watch your videos anymore because I would feel like a stalker if I did and I don't want to stalk anyone. I hate being stalked. No one understands how awful it feels to feel like I am being stalked. I feel fear that I will be raped, tortured and murdered in a Satanic ritual. But people today in passing will ask how I am and I will lie repeatedly that I am alright when I'm never fucking alright. I'm constantly scared of getting chewed out verbally because my brother, sister and Dad chewed me out for years. I'm more scared of potentially being disliked than I am of actually being disliked. I shame myself so it doesn't shock me whenever anyone else will shame me. But I still get zapped by it. I'm scared to go into rehab because of the pain, despair, powerlessness and shame my mind pokes my stomach with whenever I am around people. I hate people. I want revenge on people. I resent absolutely everyone. I am tired of lying. I don't want to be in rehab. I don't want to be anywhere. And I'm always here. I hate you Phil, because why not? I want everyone to feel the despair, powerlessness, fear and grief that I feel. I believe everyone hates me. I believe God hates me. I believe reality hates me. Life is shit. I don't think I'm scared of death anymore. At least I won't feel like shit for eternity. I want love and peace and joy and so much love. It's not fair. Why did it have to be this way? I feel constantly overwhelmed by negative emotions. It's exhausting. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 14 Author Share Posted August 14 I'm tired of pretending. I hate everything. I want revenge on reality. I hate. I have hatred. I am hatred. Hatred is me - the nonexistent me. I'm so fucking angry with all the teachers and how I give my power away to all of them. I'm tired of feeling like I am the ugly duckling. I'm tired of hiding. I'm exhausted with all the effort of trying to be this perfect person that I can't be. I'm exhausted trying to be this persona of intelligence and knowledge. I hate the Universe. I feel rage. I want to take a sledgehammer to reality and break it so badly that all of its memory is vaporised. I feel so ashamed and worthless. I feel despair and grief and alone. I try and try and try. I want to die. I desire death. I fucking hate everyone. I'm so angry. I hide behind innocence and seeming reasonable. But I want to blow up the rehab and the city and the county and the country and the continent and the oceans and the Earth. Why should anyone feel happy when I feel awful all the time? I get why people shoot up schools. I wouldn't do that. But I get it. I'm so fucking angry about my diet. I'm such a worthless piece of shit eating animals. Reality is fucked. I want out. I feel rage. I feel hatred. Fuck every one of you? Why not? What difference does it make? I feel like shit either way. I fucking hate me too. I hate my face and my body and my mind. I hate that I am an incompetent moron who can't hold down a job. I want to murder people to take these feelings away. I mean, I won't. But I want to. I want to destroy a bit of God and twist the knife in the wound so it won't heal. God has hurt me every day of this wretched existence. I'm so angry with God. I hate. I hate everything. I hate you. I hate me. I want revenge. Thinking about it hurts. I crave to be dead. I wish I could wipe myself from everyone's memory and then push a button and blow myself up. I feel embarrassed to write all of this. I feel fucking angry that I only have one cigarette left. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 14 Author Share Posted August 14 This shame is my shame. Sharing it doesn't make it go away. It's too much. No one wants the truth because it's too much. I don't understand. I just know how it feels. And I have to feel it through. I will feel it through. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted August 14 Share Posted August 14 It’s because shame is a concept. What’s felt shame wise isn’t guidance, isn’t emotion, but rather is how the concept feels. Put another way… an interpretation which is discordant, but which is nonetheless, believed. If what’s wanted is feeling great, discordant concepts & interpretations, such as shame, have to go. This is unfettering. If what’s wanted is an enjoyable magical experience of life… well… emotion isn’t a thing, isn’t conceptual, and is guidance which isn’t of this world. Think of the concept of shame like a hot stove. ‘Feeling it through’ is like trying to feel better by putting your hand on the hot stove again and again, believing it’s somehow going to feel different. You’re already feeling the discord. The I which has to ‘feel it through’… the I which of which shame is ‘mine’… is conceptual. The concepts are already felt - by you. ALREADY. 2 hours ago, the system made me said: No one wants the truth because it's too much I beg to differ. Anything… any thought, interpretations or believed aspect about Truth which is unwanted… is actually a projection onto Truth. Truth is unconditionally wonderful… but sometimes focuses on discordant concepts, in aversion of guidance about… focusing on discordant concepts. How you feel right now isn’t related to anyone else, but is related to interpretations which might and might not involve thoughts about someone else. There’s a certain obviousness to this even in a materialist’s sense… Thoughts are in the body, yes? Your thoughts aren’t in someone else’s body, yes? Someone else’s thoughts aren’t in your body, yes? What’s felt by the body is therefore, the thoughts occuring inside of the body. Outside of the interpretations…. It doesn’t actually in the literal sense, have anything to do with past, future, siblings, teachers, etc. It’s the interpretations (now and only now) that are felt. All the rest is the very resistance mentioned in the title. Insisting otherwise is essentially insisting on suffering, and believing you’re being asserted upon. Or, that someone else is responsible for how you feel. This is suffering as in this feels discordant to, the truth. Witnessing & expressing emotions is incredibly simple by comparison, and is liberation. It’s as simple as… the emotion that I am experiencing is ___________. The ‘rub’ is no longer being able to blame as an action, once it’s recognized as an emotion. But it’s not a rub at all, it’s liberation. When you’ve let everyone else off the hook, you’ve let discordant (judgmental thought about everyone else) interpretations go. 🤍 Maybe the emotion experienced is guilt? Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted August 14 Share Posted August 14 12 hours ago, the system made me said: @Phil, alright. I feel despair all the time. No, only with certain thought and only now, if at all. Emotion is guidance for thought (only now). 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel jealous of people who are happy. Jealousy. Not jealous. Big difference. Jealousy is an emotion felt. Jealous seems to describe or be about you. Whereas jealousy is about experience. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel frustrated that I don't get it. It’s the same with all emotions. Frustration is an emotion experienced. Frustrated is about “you” as in the conceptual separate self. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel hatred towards the people who broke my will. Hatred is felt as guidance for the thought. It’s how you know something up with the thought. Something’s off. What’s off is they didn’t break your will. How you’re interpretation is the challenge at hand. Which you are addressing btw, which is awesome. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I want to break their's. Nah not really. I mean, express away, anger, blame, hatred, etc. But really you love everyone unconditionally. Nothing less will really resonate because of your / the true nature. 🤍 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel like getting drunk. This were that distinction about emotions being about experience, and not about you really shines. There is the thought, ‘getting drunk’, and how that thought feels… but ‘getting drunk’ does not describe how you feel. Like how wet describes water, not you in the shower per se. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I want alcohol. I feel scared and I don't know why. It’s all the same ‘thing’. Alcohol suppresses emotion so emotion isn’t felt. What you really want is the guidance. “I feel scared” is like “I feel like getting drunk”. These thought do not describe how you feel. ‘I’m experiencing fear’, is the recognition of the emotion experienced. ‘I feel sacred’ is a concept about a second / sep self. What’s offered here is not a theory or concept which answers that ‘why’, but rather (hopefully) clarity around what you are already experiencing, and therein liberation. 🤍 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I resent you. Why do you get it and I don't? “I” don’t. You assume there is a separate self here which got or gets something. There’s nobody here, so there’s nobody here which gets… very literally, any thing at all. Freedom. Liberation. Happiness. 🙂 Just not for someone. Nothing is a word often used casually. But nothing is never the idea or thought of or about nothing. I am, nothing. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: Why do I have to feel like this? You don’t have to. Resentment is an action / activity. Non-resentment is a non-action, non-doing, non-activity. Only the holder of resentment is feeling the resentment. It can be expressed and unfettered of you and therein you are free from it. Should it come around again, don’t pick it up / buy into it. Acknowledge the emotion felt instead, and respect it as guidance. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: It's frustrating. Frustration. Try it out. Feel the spaciousness. 🙂 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm not a bad person. I don't believe I am a bad person. But my mind believes I am a bad person and have done something awful. The belief is that you are The Knower… that there is good & bad. You don’t know that. You believe it. Totally innocent, and yet totally discordant. That’s suffering. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel scared that I will always feel this way. Fear is guidance for the thought - now. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: The weather sucks right now. Joy sings in rain too. No need to judge. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel despair all day, every day. It’s only now. It’s only ever now. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel rage towards my brother and sister. I want to destroy them so they feel this pain. Express away. But suffering isn’t pain. The distinction is liberation. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: If my mind were an external tribe I would commit genocide on it. Try loving it. Then there’s alignment with it as what’s appearing as it. It will feel like & seem like effortless common sense. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm exhausted from feeling hopelessness, shame, fear, despair and like an open wound that people can poke with their comments and looks. I hate reality. I hate myself. I hate you. I hate everyone. That’s how the concept of shame feels. Feels the same to anyone / everyone. Wether or not it’s believed / held onto is what varies. Someone could be suffering right next to some filled with joy and vice versa. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel discouraged because I try and try and still feel the same. What’s been the same is the thought loop. Discouragement, rather than discouraged, breaks the thought loop. Because - one is about a separate self of thought (thus the loop factor) and the other is about the emotion experienced here & now (no separate self of thought involved). 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I just want to go home. I desire having $5,000,000 and to go and live a quiet life back home. I feel pessimistic because nothing changes. I feel doubt around whether things will ever get better. You can have 5ml. It’s entirely possible. Change starts within though. In large part it starts with acknowledging emotions. I would go so far as to say that doing so, the change, is the same as welcoming God into your life and co-creating therein. Pessimistic is about a sep self of thoughts. Pessimism is and an emotion experienced. The guidance of doubt is that it’s believed not to be possible. The guidance ‘tells you’ it is possible. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I hate all of you. I hate God. I hate reality. I'm scared of retribution. I resent Mandy for being intelligent and attractive. I feel despair and I want out. I just want to go down to the supermarket, steal a bunch of alcohol and drink myself into oblivion. In expressing emotions there is more and more equanimity & empowerment, and less of the rollercoaster / blowouts. You’re intelligent & attractive. Maybe there are aspects, choices, etc you’d like to change. Empowerment is the way. When you acknowledge emotions, letting concepts and self ref thoughts go… empowerment is revealed to be effortless & natural. Has been all along. Always will be. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel powerless over how I feel. Yes. The sep self of thought is indeed powerless, as it doesn’t exist. Thus it’s clarifying to acknowledge emotions instead of repeating concepts about a nonexistent entity. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel guilty for writing all of this. Guilt. 🙂 not guilty. Nobody’s guilty. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel jealous of people who have their shit together. Jealousy 🙂 not jealous. Nobody’s jealous. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I blame my sister and brother for dumping all their shit on me for years. The past is passed. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelment. 🙂 Nobody’s overwhelmed. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm so fucking angry. Anger. 🙂 Nobody’s angry. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I want to cut my fucking face off. I hate the way I look. How you look is fine. It’s the judgment that feels discordant. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I hate that I am overweight and can't eat healthy and get my shit together. You can though. I believe in you. You can do anything you set your mind to and align with. You have tons of life left and tons of opportunity and tons of good times ahead. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm disappointed that it's come to this. Disappointment. 🙂 There’s nobody “there” who’s disappointed. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I want out. The way out, is in. Feeling. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I want oblivion so I don't have to feel these feelings. Emotions. 🙂 Nobody’s feeling feelings. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I hate all of you. We all love you and want you to be the happiness that you are. Don’t give up. You’re stronger than you think. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I hate those of you who get and those of you who don't. I hate everything. I want revenge on reality. I wish I could pick the wings off of God's angels to get revenge on him. You’d only feel worse. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: And I'm fucking bored of pretending. Boredom. 🙂 Nobody’s bored. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: All the fucking time I pretend like I'm alright. I'm never alright. Yeah, been there. No thanks. Express instead. Empty to empty. Not to “solve something” or “fix something”. Just to empty of discord / suffering, and see clearly. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm stuck in these feelings. You are infinitely bigger than any emotions experienced, and this is clearer the more emotions are allowed to be felt. The difference in self ref thoughts vs expressing the emotions experienced changes this. That’s why I’m being an obnoxious ass and pointing it out. It might very well not be realized instantly. Overtime though (paradoxically), the message is received. ♥️ One day you will change your member name her to I Made The System, and you will be filled with and sharing The Message. Mark my words brother, you will. If not here, somewhere. But you will. Do not give up - but do let discordant thoughts go. Swiftly. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel rage towards the people who have been gang-stalking me. I feel despair because of my open wound. I want to put a virus on this website and in everyone's mind so that they feel what I feel... You’d only feel worse. How about wanting to feel like happy people feel? So to speak. ‘Smile and all the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone’. Lot of truth in that. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: Maybe I did it wrong but I still feel like absolute shit. And I'm almost out of cigarettes and have no money until Thursday. Great time to quit. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: Mandy, thank you for the projections. The Anima and all that. I don't watch your videos anymore because I would feel like a stalker if I did and I don't want to stalk anyone. I hate being stalked. No one understands how awful it feels to feel like I am being stalked. To believe you’re being stalked. What’s felt is emotional guidance. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I feel fear that I will be raped, tortured and murdered in a Satanic ritual. So let those thoughts go. Focus on wanted. It is always within your power to do so. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: But people today in passing will ask how I am and I will lie repeatedly that I am alright when I'm never fucking alright. I'm constantly scared of getting chewed out verbally because my brother, sister and Dad chewed me out for years. I'm more scared of potentially being disliked than I am of actually being disliked. I shame myself so it doesn't shock me whenever anyone else will shame me. No one can truly shame you. You have to buy into it, believe it, to feel the discord of the concept. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: But I still get zapped by it. When discordant thought of old arise, let them go. Swiftly. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I'm scared to go into rehab because of the pain, despair, powerlessness and shame my mind pokes my stomach with whenever I am around people. It’s giving up being right… about what feels terrible… to you. Just give it up. Peace = Not Knowing. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I hate people. I want revenge on people. I resent absolutely everyone. I am tired of lying. I don't want to be in rehab. I don't want to be anywhere. And I'm always here. I hate you Phil, because why not? I want everyone to feel the despair, powerlessness, fear and grief that I feel. Because of how it feels. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I believe everyone hates me. Well I don’t, so that’s not true. 12 hours ago, the system made me said: I believe God hates me. I believe reality hates me. Life is shit. I don't think I'm scared of death anymore. At least I won't feel like shit for eternity. I want love and peace and joy and so much love. It's not fair. Why did it have to be this way? I feel constantly overwhelmed by negative emotions. It's exhausting. Love, peace and joy aren’t things. They’re felt be being. So if you want to feel love… love. If ‘where you’re at’ dictates - start small. Appreciation. Literally… take 5 mins out of your day, and spend it on behalf of someone else. One single complement can change the entire orientation of your path and your life, and potentially theirs as well. I think you’re very intelligent. I think you write & articulate very well. I think you’re so worthy that your worthiness is not in question. I think you’re going to come out of this and enjoy of fruitful productive fulfilled life. I really do. I think that’s going to rub off on people around you who are lost. I think there’s a lot of great people, relationships, success and experiences yet to come for you, as well as a tremendous amount of giving back. Greater and more fulfilling & satisfying than you have ever thought or could possibly imagine. Stay strong. Don’t give up. 🤍 Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the system made me Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 Thanks @Phil. I know you said shame is a concept. But it's the word the makes the most sense of this emotion in my manipurs chakra. Maybe I'm wrong but it feels like it's there regardless of what thoughts arise. Maybe I'm lacking awareness. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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