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Witnessing the Pain Body

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Maybe I don't understand what Phil is writing. He seems to be very compassionate and patient. He still replies to me even though I don't really get it. I have some understanding of Nonduality but I don't get it. The way I am seeing this is I have this knot in my solar plexus chakra and it varies from being a burning knot to an uncomfortable apathy. 


What am I writing? I'm scared my ex-housemates will relapse and could die. I'm such a fuck up. I have a decent IQ but I'm incompetent and lack common sense. I was so stupid. I could have had good boundaries. But I wanted to be cool and part of the gang. And now they got kicked out and I might get kicked out as well on Monday. I feel ashamed and worthless. This is yet again another fuck up in my life that will define the years to come. Hindsight is 20/20. I thought not telling on people was the right thing to do. I betrayed the rehab and now I might get discharged. 


I am addicted to shame. I live it. I breathe it. It's just shame, shame, shame. I never stick with anything for very long. I'm a fucking idiot. I know there is no separate self. I'm such a fucking moron. How could I be so stupid? I have a decent IQ but I'm still a fucking moron. I was a rat once 10 years ago before the gang-stalking started and I promised myself I would never rat anyone out ever again. Fuck man. The emotions hurt. I feel pain. I am scared they are going to die or wind up in hospital. I have very little common sense. I hate being a moron. I want to punch my stomach to dislodge this feeling. I feel so sorry for my Mom and Dad. I'm really trying to do this right. People just say things like, "don't be too hard on yourself. Keep it simple. Don't overthink things." But all of this stupidity and these addictions are because of complex trauma. Feeling shame gives me a hit of some endogenous chemical. It protects me from abuse or protected me from more abuse when I was a child and teenager. I'm addicted to shame and stress. I feel more calm when I drink energy drinks. 


I don't have a fucking clue. I'm just going to feel these emotions until they run out. If one of these guys die that will just be more emotion to feel for me. There's nothing I can do about them now. 


I'm addicted to shame and stress. I'm just going to sit with these emotions until they pass. 

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4 hours ago, the system made me said:

I'm just going to feel these emotions until they run out.

Use the emotional scale, there's no bottom to that pit, there no running out of emotions, because you is infinite. Just go where you want to go. Write what you want to write, not what you believe is true. If you've had enough of shame, stop writing the thoughts seriously that shame yourself. If you are speaking of yourself, or letting the pain body (so the speak) write, then use some way of framing it. Credit painbody, not yourself. I will write and put negative/painbody/superego/separate self thoughts in parentheses, or quotations. Or just write -painbody.


I am addicted to shame- painbody.  




Write a conversation between painbody and awareness. Write it whatever you like. Just whatever you do, stop writing it as truth. It's expression. It's not truth.  It's what one thought is saying. How does that one thought feel? 


Then you can write truth, that seems untrue to the separate self. 


'But don’t be satisfied with stories,
How things have gone with others.
Unfold your own myth,
Without complicated explanation,
So everyone will understand the passage,
We have opened you.' - RUMI

 Youtube Channel  

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12 hours ago, Mandy said:

@the system made me Do you have any routines in place for your day, meditation, exercise, etc? 

I'm in rehab. I'm doing that. My meditation is just sitting with the emotions. Maybe it's the wrong way. But I'm going to learn that the hard way if I am wrong. I feel easier when I sit with the emotion and relax into it. I feel like it is what I need to learn from. 

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