Not knowing

[the system made me]

There is this not knowing about reality. This is a mystery. Saying what is and isn't is interesting. I've arrived at a point where I am giving up on that game. I've spent years analysing concepts. It's helped me. But I still suffer. I did self-esteem assignments and now I'm doing self-compassion ones. But I find them jarring. The end result is what I've jumped to. My mind keeps on predicting reality and it hardly can. I try to nudge people with being kind. I try to help and I try to make them like me. All these concepts for me have brought me to here. I don't know. I'm hard on myself to batter people into not being hard on me. Not knowing is very freeing. I don't feel I need to become Enlightened or heal all my trauma. Maybe this wouldn't help everyone. And all the previous stuff helps me. I've listened to so many Rupert Spira videos and they are all about knowledge and knowing. What I'm talking about is a blanket response to reality and also going through it in the present moment with a comb looking at thoughts and dropping them. What I'm talking about is also Taoist. It's leaving reality to itself and being more or doing less and not trying to force it. I'm so hard on myself. I can just give myself a break from watching people and analysing and judging them. I don't have the answers. Maybe this is humility or truth. My mind is scrambling to what you think of this. And then I just drop the thought. In a sense this isn't a process or practice. And yet I assume things will finally get better for me by doing this. It's like taking off a backpack with books in it. I catch myself wearing it again. And I ask, "do I know if this thought is true?" Most of the time I don't. This isn't a negation of reality or taking the opposing view or even holding opposing views. It's just seeing that most of my predictions and judgements are based on weak or false evidence. I thought I understand God and reality. All of this knowledge about the Self, the Psyche, God, eternity, infinity, boundlessness, mysticism etc., it's interesting but it did nothing to change how I feel. I couldn't write a book about this or even maybe make a video. It's so very simple. It's just seeing that there is so very little that I actually know. It's so beautiful. It's like I have been holding a hot stone and I've been analysing the stone and why I am holding it and thinking about why people hold hot stones and what does this all mean? Yesterday it was like, "why am I holding this thing?" I still pick it up but then I drop it again. It's just seeing that I can just let go. I guess I want to be liked and loved. I feel unlovable. And maybe I'll always have that thought. But I don't need to get into trying to fix that or make it right. I can just leave it be. 

 

 

[Phil]

Totally. 🤍

[James123]

16 hours ago, the system made me said:

There is this not knowing about reality. This is a mystery. Saying what is and isn't is interesting. I've arrived at a point where I am giving up on that game. I've spent years analysing concepts. It's helped me. But I still suffer. I did self-esteem assignments and now I'm doing self-compassion ones. But I find them jarring. The end result is what I've jumped to. My mind keeps on predicting reality and it hardly can. I try to nudge people with being kind. I try to help and I try to make them like me. All these concepts for me have brought me to here. I don't know. I'm hard on myself to batter people into not being hard on me. Not knowing is very freeing. I don't feel I need to become Enlightened or heal all my trauma. Maybe this wouldn't help everyone. And all the previous stuff helps me. I've listened to so many Rupert Spira videos and they are all about knowledge and knowing. What I'm talking about is a blanket response to reality and also going through it in the present moment with a comb looking at thoughts and dropping them. What I'm talking about is also Taoist. It's leaving reality to itself and being more or doing less and not trying to force it. I'm so hard on myself. I can just give myself a break from watching people and analysing and judging them. I don't have the answers. Maybe this is humility or truth. My mind is scrambling to what you think of this. And then I just drop the thought. In a sense this isn't a process or practice. And yet I assume things will finally get better for me by doing this. It's like taking off a backpack with books in it. I catch myself wearing it again. And I ask, "do I know if this thought is true?" Most of the time I don't. This isn't a negation of reality or taking the opposing view or even holding opposing views. It's just seeing that most of my predictions and judgements are based on weak or false evidence. I thought I understand God and reality. All of this knowledge about the Self, the Psyche, God, eternity, infinity, boundlessness, mysticism etc., it's interesting but it did nothing to change how I feel. I couldn't write a book about this or even maybe make a video. It's so very simple. It's just seeing that there is so very little that I actually know. It's so beautiful. It's like I have been holding a hot stone and I've been analysing the stone and why I am holding it and thinking about why people hold hot stones and what does this all mean? Yesterday it was like, "why am I holding this thing?" I still pick it up but then I drop it again. It's just seeing that I can just let go. I guess I want to be liked and loved. I feel unlovable. And maybe I'll always have that thought. But I don't need to get into trying to fix that or make it right. I can just leave it be. 

 

 

What is reality?

[the system made me]

@James123, my point of view isn't absolute. There is practical knowledge which is useful and some of my projections of other people are probably accurate. But I don't know a lot. And my thoughts about other people are what hurt me and not the people. This morning I was walking into rehab. I walked past some people going to the other rehab. None of them said hi to me. Thoughts came in that they don't like me and I'm the scapegoat. Maybe that's true but I don't know. And I realised there is this freedom in that I can do something about the thoughts. I can just drop them. And then I felt better. 

[James123]

@the system made me any thoughts that provides anger, depression, sadness etc. Just ignore them. Because there is literally nothing there. 

[Phil]

6 hours ago, the system made me said:

And I realised there is this freedom in that I can do something about the thoughts. I can just drop them. And then I felt better. 

[Devin]

I wouldn't ignore them or drop them, that can turn into suppressing, you don't have to accept what they're saying though, they're usually not true, you can just think "yep, another bullshit thought, laddy da, not gonna bite..."

 

I suggest having a journal for them when you can. And then when you're in a more comfortable state with the time dig into why it popped up, process it; "people like me, I'm likeable, it wouldn't matter anyway" think of all the memories that pop up in the past related to it, kids being mean etc..

Edited August 4 by Devin

[the system made me]

Haha, thanks @Phil. 

[the system made me]

I was talking to my housemates and my mind said they are baiting me and taunting me. But I just don't know. The Step 3 prayer used to scare me. I guess it still does. I've learned about Unit 731. I think God can ask too much. But I can't predict the future. 

 

@Devin, suppressing is quite intuitive. It's pressing, tensing up, closing with my muscles. When I drop the thought I relax into freedom. Read Michael Singer's books. He explains it really well. Dr. David R. Hawkins touches on it in his book, 'Letting Go'. 

 

I guess it's humility or truth, but not in a contrived way. Like, there is the girl at the rehab. I like her so much. She's got some miles on her. She's three years older than me and a smoker. But she's pretty and she's clever and I feel taller when I talk to her. She doesn't like me. I wear loser all over me. But I just have no idea. I don't know what she's thinking or if she likes me. She's a flirt and she only turns it on a bit for me and she likes bad guys. I was stressing at the rehab about it. And I'm just going to sound like a broken record but I can't predict the future or know her thoughts. It hurts, but it's fun to see those lovely sweet Anima projections. My mind says how pretty she is. I like her imperfections. I like the wrinkles on her face and I know I'm looking at some version of me that I don't get to see every day. I think I'm just enjoying the ride. I like her so much. 

 

This might sound like I'm taking the Mick but if I lost my craziness I would miss it. With all the stuff I've posted on here you might think that that is ridiculous. But I know about madness and terror and not knowing. The years of contemplation aren't wasted. I have a pretty good grip of what God means, there is no time, there is no separation etc. But now I'm here and I found a doorway into actually feeling better. It's so very simple. Some people read, 'The Power of Now' and that does it for them. Other people do mantra meditation and that does it for them. And so on. Tonglen, whatever. I still suffer, but Meister Eckhart said, "It's a terrible thing to suffer; but it's a beautiful thing to have suffered." 

 

I think I am just going to go on and on with future posts to writing about what I don't know. So much of our culture, the world over is about certainty and knowing. I don't want to criticize. I don't need to list off the examples. It's easy to pick holes. I think reality wanted me to get here. I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm vulnerable and who knows, maybe she's not right for me. Maybe I would relapse on her. But I get to see her tomorrow and those projections and I'll watch them like I watch my paranoia. I feel alright. 

 

 

 

[Devin]

17 hours ago, the system made me said:

I was talking to my housemates and my mind said they are baiting me and taunting me. But I just don't know. The Step 3 prayer used to scare me. I guess it still does. I've learned about Unit 731. I think God can ask too much. But I can't predict the future. 

 

@Devin, suppressing is quite intuitive. It's pressing, tensing up, closing with my muscles. When I drop the thought I relax into freedom. Read Michael Singer's books. He explains it really well. Dr. David R. Hawkins touches on it in his book, 'Letting Go'. 

 

I guess it's humility or truth, but not in a contrived way. Like, there is the girl at the rehab. I like her so much. She's got some miles on her. She's three years older than me and a smoker. But she's pretty and she's clever and I feel taller when I talk to her. She doesn't like me. I wear loser all over me. But I just have no idea. I don't know what she's thinking or if she likes me. She's a flirt and she only turns it on a bit for me and she likes bad guys. I was stressing at the rehab about it. And I'm just going to sound like a broken record but I can't predict the future or know her thoughts. It hurts, but it's fun to see those lovely sweet Anima projections. My mind says how pretty she is. I like her imperfections. I like the wrinkles on her face and I know I'm looking at some version of me that I don't get to see every day. I think I'm just enjoying the ride. I like her so much. 

 

This might sound like I'm taking the Mick but if I lost my craziness I would miss it. With all the stuff I've posted on here you might think that that is ridiculous. But I know about madness and terror and not knowing. The years of contemplation aren't wasted. I have a pretty good grip of what God means, there is no time, there is no separation etc. But now I'm here and I found a doorway into actually feeling better. It's so very simple. Some people read, 'The Power of Now' and that does it for them. Other people do mantra meditation and that does it for them. And so on. Tonglen, whatever. I still suffer, but Meister Eckhart said, "It's a terrible thing to suffer; but it's a beautiful thing to have suffered." 

 

I think I am just going to go on and on with future posts to writing about what I don't know. So much of our culture, the world over is about certainty and knowing. I don't want to criticize. I don't need to list off the examples. It's easy to pick holes. I think reality wanted me to get here. I'm excited about tomorrow. I'm vulnerable and who knows, maybe she's not right for me. Maybe I would relapse on her. But I get to see her tomorrow and those projections and I'll watch them like I watch my paranoia. I feel alright. 

 

 

 

 

https://saffron-fife-24e2.squarespace.com/forgiveness

 

This is the sort of thing I'm talking about

 

[the system made me]

There has to be someone behind the curtain. There has to be something. But how far down does it go? If something created this then what created the thing that created this? I believe in God. But I don't know. I looked closely at myself in the mirror and the body was caused. But what is looking out of my eyes is a mystery. If this were all a computer simulation, what created the computer and who is running it? 

 

I feel this aversion to holding onto a state. I don't want to fit myself into a box and to crave being there. This whole thing is a mystery. 

 

I suspect there is a God. I suspect He will have some stern words with me. Everything feels caused. But was it? Is this caused? What is truth? 

[Devin]

38 minutes ago, the system made me said:

There has to be someone behind the curtain. There has to be something. But how far down does it go? If something created this then what created the thing that created this? I believe in God. But I don't know. I looked closely at myself in the mirror and the body was caused. But what is looking out of my eyes is a mystery. If this were all a computer simulation, what created the computer and who is running it? 

 

I feel this aversion to holding onto a state. I don't want to fit myself into a box and to crave being there. This whole thing is a mystery. 

 

I suspect there is a God. I suspect He will have some stern words with me. Everything feels caused. But was it? Is this caused? What is truth? 

Wouldn't there then need to be something behind that curtain, who created God?

 

It's confusing the way people say it, but it's close to true to say you created everything, or it's all illusion, but it's not perfectly accurate, everything is you, not you as a person though. You talk about a curtain but show me where you end and something else begins.

Edited August 6 by Devin

[the system made me]

@Devin, to me these are riddles. I don't know. I just don't know. When I say a curtain, this is just a word in one sense. It's just a metaphor. Is there separation? Is there no separation? I'm leaving that for the sages to debate. I am a lowly traveller in this arena. I don't have the answers. I'm just doing what I can to suffer less. One thing I've discovered is that I don't need to know to feel better. Even better, when I am lost in thought and it occurs to me that I don't know, I feel better. 

[Devin]

27 minutes ago, the system made me said:

@Devin, to me these are riddles. I don't know. I just don't know. When I say a curtain, this is just a word in one sense. It's just a metaphor. Is there separation? Is there no separation? I'm leaving that for the sages to debate. I am a lowly traveller in this arena. I don't have the answers. I'm just doing what I can to suffer less. One thing I've discovered is that I don't need to know to feel better. Even better, when I am lost in thought and it occurs to me that I don't know, I feel better. 

That's about as wise as it get's, any claims or seeking for answers of origin are quite the opposite, it's an unanswerable question other than it is what it is.

[the system made me]

@Devin, I think you don't have the foggiest idea of what you're talking about. 

[the system made me]

I was suffering away, still looking for Enlightenment. I was at the beach and the girl I like was kissing another guy. And I became depressed. I was in my room later suffering away over it. And I realised it's thought, not her. It's ever so stupid. Enlightenment and all the images from that word are just thought. Waiting for some big event is thought. Believing that I am lacking is thought. I don't like the word Enlightenment. It's saying too much, more than what is here. My housemate taking a shit and not flushing the toilet and me having to see and smell his shit is now thought. I said nothing, flushed the toilet and opened the bigger window. But the event is gone. Paying attention to that image is unpleasant. It's insanity to keep playing it over and over again thinking that will solve something. I'm going into the rehab in the morning and I know this girl won't make me suffer. Seeing her will make my mind do stupid things; but it's not her. It will be thought. It's very frustrating. I was hoping for something grand and pleasant to happen. Instead it's an image of my housemates shit in the toilet in my mind that makes me go, "oh, that's just a thought. In a few weeks I'm never going to see these guys again. And he would probably feel embarrassed and ashamed if I got angry about it. And it's now just a thought." So this isn't freedom from suffering. This is, I was blind looking for the mountain I wanted to climb. Somehow I wound up at the base of it. And I now want to climb it but I'm in the habit of putting the blindfold back on without realising and I'll have to keep taking it off for the rest of my life. And yet again, all of that is just thought, rather frustratingly. 

[the system made me]

@Devin, sorry I was angry. I was angry because I felt like your posts were trying to lead me astray. I'm sensitive so I would feel pretty low if someone told me that. Sorry. 

[Devin]

7 hours ago, the system made me said:

@Devin, sorry I was angry. I was angry because I felt like your posts were trying to lead me astray. I'm sensitive so I would feel pretty low if someone told me that. Sorry. 

Ahh it's okay Buddy

[Phil]

@the system made me

It might be that as you’re ‘doing the work’, the goodness that you are is being unfettered & unobscured, and as there are still some discordant self referential beliefs, the Great Feeling you are is being believed to be coming from or about the girl at rehab. Thoughts about enlightenment might be obscuring that Good feeling being It. “The game” would be thoughts and concepts about the Goodness. Expression of emotions would be the end of “the game” in that sense. When it’s believed you are not the Goodness ‘felt’, and that the Goodness or Great Feeling must be found somewhere, earned, achieved, obtained and the like… frustration would be how those thoughts feel. Letting you know something’s off with the perspective, interpretation or belief, if you will. 🤍

 

The Goodness that Is, the Great Feeling, is synonymous with not knowing. The distinction lies in the difference between I’m angry, and anger is an emotion experienced. The former, ‘I’m angry’, is the illusion of knowing… of knowing that about yourself. The latter, that emotion is guidance, ‘tells you’ about misinterpretations, misunderstandings and misidentification. 

[the system made me]

Thanks @Phil. I think I get what you wrote about. 

 

I'm watching a nature program. Life is a complete mystery. We presume the past is here in some sense along with the future. Nobody seems to ask questions like, "where is the past and the future?". Our culture for a lot of people is nihilism and atheism. But this is a presumption. I presume there is some higher intelligence to all this. But I don't think it is a person with a brain. I think of it like the Dao. Actually, I don't know. I don't understand reality, if it is caused, what is happening? I look for the separate self and I can't find it. And yet, the person persists in the way I relate to myself and others. I think I'm stupid to be honest. But it doesn't matter. The most clever and Enlightened people on the planet, do they know? Or is it from deduction that they know what they know? I'm getting into dodgy territory. I'm just trying to have some humility I guess. I don't know. I know very little. 

Edited August 7 by the system made me