Not lying anymore

[the system made me]

I spend so much time organising how to present. Most people like me because I am a people pleaser. Everyone has a shadow and experiences projection. I really believed I could control everyone. It's so stupid. There are people who are people pleasers like me and they lie and manipulate and they act out their shadows and they're fine with that. They don't feel much empathy or shame for it. They look like a regular person. But they're not. They act out their dragon. My point is that, I suspect, that we destroy people all the time in our minds. This girl who got the better of me at rehab is so very bubbly and nice to everyone. But that's what my sister did with everyone outside of our immediate family apart from her boyfriends. Not lying is my answer. I am precious and narcissistic and too much. I can't get rid of that. I can just talk less and stop lying. I am going to start with how I feel. I'm going to just be honest. I'm not okay. I feel like shit every day. Fuck it, why lie?

[Phil]

Be not present right now. 

What do you find?

 

Spend a bunch of time, right now.

What do you find?

 

If you had a friend who kept repeating over and over that she has the winning lottery numbers… yet you can’t help but notice she never actually has the money… what might you say to her?

 

[the system made me]

@Phil, I don't know to be honest. I just don't know. I guess I write on here because I want to be part of a tribe. I'd just give her a hug and let her be. I would understand that she hasn't won the lottery but I'd leave her to figure it out. I don't know. I'd just talk to her about life. When people are lying and deceiving and manipulating and playing games I'm curious. What happened to them? Who did that to them? Addicts are so lost trying to be beautiful, trying to be intelligent, trying to be funny, trying to be wise, trying to be impressive, trying to be noble. Or rather to just be perceived as those things. There's a part of me that is broken. I carry it around with me wherever I go. I tried the honesty thing but didn't. There's too much pressure in me to just say I am alright. I think I'm broken and thinking that I'm holding that lottery ticket. Maybe I have it, maybe I don't. Life is too bitter without thinking it is there. I wouldn't want to hear how my life plays out. I don't want to know that. I don't want to be loved. I just want to be understood. I want to tell people why the lottery ticket is so important to me, even if it is a delusion. I try to be sincere. I try to be good. I feel sad. I guess that's it. I just want people to hold this pain with me. I don't know if I'm being gang-stalked or not completely. I don't mind so much people not believing me about that. I just wish I could speak to someone who gets how scary it is. I'm waiting to be raped, tortured and murdered. I try to not make it all about me at the rehab. Even there, I'm too much. Imagine that, being in a room of people who are broken and I play it down so much. I guess the truth is we're all in this together. You have what you have and I guess you're trying to give it away. But I don't have it. I get the ego is not there. But the attachment is too strong. I get pushed and pulled by it and it hurts. I write on here and don't think about anyone judging me. I know we all judge each other. If I told people what I think of them I would get kicked out of the rehab for bullying people. If someone isn't particularly bright I think it. This girl, she's got miles on her and I don't think I would think she is attractive without make up, which she wears every day. She has a flabby ass too. I mean, I'm writing it but people can't talk that way. Maybe I am writing on here to be part of a collective delusion that we get each other. I'm having to regulate myself so much to interact with people. I'm sure the women guess that I'm not particularly well endowed. I'm not terrible but it's nothing significant. I'm sure they think I'm fat and have wide hips for a guy. I'm sure they think I'm too sensitive. I'm sure they think I'm a loser and that I'm too much. It's all so stupid. You pretend you like me for who I am and I pretend I like you for who you are and that we aren't judging and sniping each other. That's the thing I don't like about teachers. They're not Neem Karoli Baba. But even he could be short tempered. I would have liked to meet Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj because he would tell me the truth. He would tell me that he didn't like me. I'm bitter and twisted because I tone everything down and soften myself for everyone. I'm not that nice of a guy. I would've drunk today again if it weren't for my Mom and Dad. That's not a lie. This thing that happened at the rehab with this girl has triggered something in me. I don't understand it. I think Phil, if you keep writing to me it will be a lifetime of reminding me I don't have that lottery ticket. I have attachment to ego and I don't know what to do. I said that to my counsellor before rehab. Everything he was saying made sense to me and I just apologised because I can't get it. My mind is on me. I don't have that lottery ticket. But if I think I will never find Enlightenment I will drink myself to death after my parents die. Hope and my Mom and Dad are my world. I'm not a very good seeker. It's the way that I am stupid that I don't like. I know a lot but I don't experience it. I really want to drink. I just want to get smashed. I got betrayed yesterday. The dragon poked me and I poked it back and then it bit me. I want to run away. The only thing keeping me from drinking is my parents. I can't do it to them. I can't die and go to Heaven and betray them. I know they'll get there one day but there are too many years in between now and then. I just have to be in pain and continue in life not getting Enlightenment. I don't want to give you false hope in writing to me. I don't want you to think that I might get it. I know so much but still live in trauma and shame. God wanted me to suffer. The suffering is my teacher. I want to die but can't betray my Mom and Dad. I guess you probably judge me like I judge you. I get the unreality of it all. But challenging the delusion just hurts. 

 

Edited July 29 by the system made me

[Phil]

@the system made me

That which is is already beauty, intelligence, infinitely funny & wise. Rejoice! 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I just want to be understood.

Why?

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

Maybe I have it, maybe I don't

The point was in regard to the claiming of having (or not having) the winning numbers. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I get the ego is not there

The one which gets the ego is not there is the ego, which isn’t there. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I know we all judge each other

Ah but that’s believed, assumed - not known. There is no direct experience of ‘other people thinking & judging’. There is only the direct experience of thoughts, or as you say judging. That is the fundamental discord, the suffering - directly, as in how it feels. Everything projected onto others, believed they’re thinkin - is actually thoughts arising which you’re feeling, yet there is no ‘thinker’ “behind” the thoughts ‘thinking’. What. A. Relief. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

You pretend you like me for who I am and I pretend I like you for who you are and that we aren't judging and sniping each other. That's the thing I don't like about teachers.

There’s no teacher here. The teacher is feeling. The guidance of is emotion. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

This thing that happened at the rehab with this girl has triggered something in me. I don't understand it

It’s projection. Some thoughts feel discordant and emotion is felt. The discord felt is believed to be related to other people. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I think Phil, if you keep writing to me it will be a lifetime of reminding me I don't have that lottery ticket.

There’s a little misunderstanding about the message. There’s an experience of lottery tickets, they’re just isn’t a separate self or separate selves. There is an experience of thoughts (that there is / are). Freedom. 🤍

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

But if I think I will never find Enlightenment I will drink myself to death after my parents die.

Be curious about that which is overlooked - that which is seeking, looking for enlightenment. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I just have to be in pain and continue in life not getting Enlightenment

Pain is local in the body, as in you could tell a doctor where the pain is. 

Suffering is not localized; it’s how some thoughts feel. 

Therein is the guidance. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

I don't want to give you false hope in writing to me.

Seeking enlightenment is utterly hopeless for two very good reasons. One, the one seeking is an illusion of believing thoughts. And two, what’s sought is already this as is. Hope is overlooking the judgements & conditions ‘held’ upon this, and ‘seeking’ a better experience. 

 

6 hours ago, Phil said:

Be not present right now. 

What do you find?

 

Spend a bunch of time, right now.

What do you find?

That which is presence can not possibly be - not present. That which is this, or, now, can not possibly be anywhere or any when else. 

That is what’s sought; the seeker is the sought. 

 

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

challenging the delusion just hurts. 

The Good news is there’s already no one there challenging. RELIEF. 🤍