DMT Elf Posted May 20 Share Posted May 20 (edited) Edited May 20 by DMT Elf Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 20 Author Share Posted May 20 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 21 Author Share Posted May 21 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 21 Author Share Posted May 21 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 I get uncomfortable complaining about my life. I especially get uncomfortable around people who didn’t grow up with the privileges I had. I can feel the resentment strongly, and I resent myself every time I complain about how my parents didn’t give me enough attention or whatever. But that’s why it’s so difficult to explain why I lose entire nights of sleep ruminating over why everything feels so wrong. It’s so hard to make anybody understand. I’ve basically accepted the fact that nobody ever will understand at this point, so I don’t even really try. My mom always said I push people away, and maybe that’s true, but she never wanted to hear about my feelings either. Our parents wanted nothing to do with us unless we were perfectly well behaved. I guess that’s why my sister and I both went through pretty severe psycho phases. When you’re a rich kid though, not much matters. You can get busted for drugs, get in legal trouble, and get shit grades in high school, and you still get to go to a good university. Privilege is real, I’m living proof as is my sister. Now that I’m older, graduated college and starting my life, I’m terrified that I’m just going to repeat my dad’s life. I think becoming my dad will just be the default if I don’t do anything to change it. I can even see his face sometimes when I look in the mirror and it fucking terrifies me. I’ve been stalling on getting a real grown up persons job. I have people reaching out to me, trying to help me make connections with various companies and all that, but I keep putting off finally getting serious about it. I’m broke and constantly worrying about money, but for some reason, a six figure salary doesn’t interest me all that much. I guess I’m enjoying my freedom and dreading it coming to an end. It’s gonna need to come to an end soon. My lifestyle right now is completely unsustainable. My roommate just moved out and I have the house to myself for the time being. I had a party last week and reconnected with some old friends. Also went to a party hosted by someone I’ve been out of touch with for a couple years. Also visited a friend in Denver. Mostly just trying to socialize more and get myself out of my bubble. It feels good to be doing that. It’s interesting how when you don’t see someone in a while, sometimes you instantly pick up where you last left off and start joking and having fun together, and other times it takes some time to push through the awkwardness. I’m not really sure why that is. I guess I feel less lonely, but I still feel so unfulfilled with life, like I have no idea what my purpose is. I’m just doing what everyone expects me to do without much of my own passion. I wish I saw something better, but I really don’t. I really dread getting locked into something I don’t want. Seems like that’s what happens to everyone. You get a well paying job, you get a car, you get a house, and pretty soon you’re buried in debt. I’m already buried in student loan debt. I’m still bitter about that because my parents said they would pay for my college, but then they didn’t because they thought I needed to be taught a lesson or something. I still have no idea what that lesson was supposed to be. I think they’re just pissed at me for not being as perfect as they wanted, and now they’re taking that out on me in whatever way they can. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything I own, pack a backpack and go wherever. Crash on couches, live like a bum… idk. I don’t know what I need to do to find myself. I’m just tired of living in this meaningless limbo where I don’t have control over anything. I’d almost rather be poor and have some autonomy than be some cooperate slave and end up becoming my dad. I don’t know what to do. Not that I expect anybody to care… I much less expect anybody to know what to say to me. My mom once told me she thought I was going to be a serial killer or a school shooter… I don’t know why. I don’t think I give off that vibe at all. That just shows the level of disconnect between me and my family. I confronted her about it a couple years ago to say how fucked it was that she would say that o me, and she didn’t even apologize. She defended herself and tried to say why she was justified in thinking that. And she accused ME of pushing people away. So unbelievably ironic… I’m starting to lose hope that things will ever get better between us. Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 What Does Love Mean to You? PAIN! Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMT Elf Posted May 22 Author Share Posted May 22 The thought of emotionally cutting myself off from my parents completely feels freeing in a sick way. Like without them ever crossing my mind again, my life and destiny would be completely my own. Somehow I don't think I can do it, but I also can't pretend a part of me doesn't want to. Quote Mention From the Ashes 🔥🔥🔥 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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