Posturing through metaphysical collapse

[the system made me]

The sensations in my face is not evidence of a person. The thoughts I have are not evidence of a person. My self-hatred is not evidence of a person. This life is not evidence of a person. Memory of the past and predictions about the future are not evidence of a person. I can't meditate myself away. He never existed. He's not even a he. It's made up. It's fantasy. The story is bullshit. It was just a belief. It's not a clear cut shift. It doesn't just go away and then it is forever gone. It's like I can fall back into the belief and I do. But there is nowhere to get to, nothing to wait for. That's not entirely true. If things are terrible, they can get better and effort can do that. But in terms of seeing this, it gets so confused and muddied. Self-hatred is not evidence of a person. Negative emotions and thoughts are not evidence of a person. Difficult sensations are not evidence of a person. Seeing that there is no person doesn't end suffering and pain. But it helps to not add more suffering to suffering and pain. It's turning on a light. All these words are kind of bullshit. It's not an achievement. It's not a status. It's not being better than or perfect or taking on anyone's projections or projecting onto anyone else. It's very simple. The idea that I am someone is just a belief. I still have shame, self-hatred, all of that. I still won't go certain places because I know what my mind will do if I go there. I am not omnipotent. I am not a hero like I expect myself to be. I am vulnerable and easily manipulated. I have a tolerance level. So much pain and I could black out from it like anyone else. There is so much mystique around this. I was so lost in the smoke and reflections bouncing around the place. I had all these expectations that life was supposed to be what I wanted it to be. It's not about completely getting rid of pain and suffering. It's just about making things better than they currently are. It doesn't mean that things can't get amazing. It's just intelligence. Not IQ. Just a seeing. I don't need to pile on suffering where I am able not to by seeing that there never was a separate self that the thoughts are telling me about. I looked for the separate self and never found it. But I thought I didn't really have the understanding because I still experienced shame and self-hatred. 

 

I relapsed on food and caffeine today. I fucked up. I feel like drinking and using cocaine. Life is fucked. But I realised that the reason why I wasn't getting it was because of beliefs. I had these blocks like, "this can't be it" so I must keep on searching. I still feel like crap, but I'm not closing, tensing up, pressing on top of it trying to make it go away. I am writing here and listening to music which is a distraction. But I'm relaxed and letting life flow. I thought the solution was about perfection and bliss and a release of energy and a kundalini awakening and all of that. I have been waiting for years and years for the rush, the excitement, Elysium. All my projections onto spiritual teachers like their shit doesn't smell and like they don't judge people and they are God on Earth have just been shattered again and again. They judge. They may love you. But it doesn't mean they like you. But that doesn't matter. I realise it's not about taking it out on them for that. It was my beliefs. I let myself live with that illusion. It's about taking responsibility for one's beliefs and examining them. I don't need to practice self-inquiry for ten thousand hours to look at the belief that I am somebody. It just takes some looking. Maybe it will take years but then that becomes a projection in thought onto time which is just here. Nobody knows the right path for anyone individual person. It's just motherfuckers shooting in the dark with big egos about how to save the world, reality, everything. They don't know. I don't know. I haven't a clue how this comes across. Maybe it's all just gibberish. 

 

I believed I was somebody and stuck with that belief because I believed I don't deserve Enlightenment, not that I have it, I don't even know what that is. I'm trying to just not react to the self-referential thoughts with more self-referential thoughts and tensing up. I'm not these thoughts. I don't think that it's necessarily a clear cut realisation. It's just a seeing and over the years it has come and gone as it pleased. But I never accepted it because I believed the presence of negative emotions and thoughts is evidence of the person. No one gets rid of the ego. That's horse shit. It's a tool, rather than a master. It's a good tool and a fucking atrocious master. 

 

There is space between thoughts, there is spaciousness around emotions. Emotions have a location and are everywhere. If you feel love, everything is love. If you feel shame, everything is shame. It's just energy. It just is, no matter how bad it is, you're still not a person. Maybe this won't even help because the pain is so bad that you want to kill yourself. It's FUBAR. But it may help to see that the person is nowhere to be found as a single entity. It's a moving mosaic or collage, a kaleidoscope of thoughts and energy. But there is no individual object that is the self. Look and look and you can't find it. 

 

I don't think it's about being deeply analytical. It's just intelligence, which everyone has. It's just a seeing. I complicated it so much beyond repair. I made it impossible to see this. I just pushed away reality all the time and lived in thought. The negative thoughts served me. It served me to be a victim. It served me to believe that God hates me. I felt like the biggest person in the world because I convinced myself I was the worst person in the world. I tried to analyse my childhood and see where the beliefs came from but all that did was make me blame my family. I mean, that helps to a degree, to put the blame on somebody else rather than yourself. But it delayed me seeing reality more clearly. I needed to take responsibility for my own beliefs and just look at them. It's more intuitive than analytical. Intellect can be alluring but it can be like finding more intricate ways to knot up a ball of yarn. It may be complex and figuring it out may be satisfying, but you can just put the fucking thing down and look out the window at the view and just be. 

 

I still feel like shit but I get that there is no me to feel like shit. And I press less. Tensing up to try and control reality just makes it worse. Apparently it will pass if you just let go. But I haven't experienced that yet. I have no idea what my life has in store for me. I don't know what I decided in this life for myself. I just had a massive block in my thinking where I couldn't accept that I was Enlightened because I still experience negative emotions. I think that what I am writing is exactly what I needed to hear and I think that occurs for spiritual teachers in general, but it doesn't necessarily make sense to other people. I find this particularly with Jiddu Krishnamurti. I still have no idea what the actual fuck he was ever talking about. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I hated myself for that. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't figure out what he was saying. 

 

I don't have the answers and I don't think I'll ever want to write a book or have students or anything like that, even if I do get to unconditional love. I hate all of that. I spent years idolising people and feeling so low because they were so high for me. I thought if I could figure out the best question they would like me the most. It's not their fault so much. I mean it is a little. They're sitting up on stage with flowers next to them and all of that. It must be a swell way to make a living. I just think all the rows of people and the stage being higher than everyone else and the flowers creates, implicitly, this idea, that they are above and you are below. When, at the end of the day, that really is just some asshole up their talking who doesn't know very much more about this thing than you do. It's like there are plenty of counsellors who are less 'well' than their clients. I'm not trying to be a dick and just tear people down. It's so tempting to pick the wings off of angels. It's evil to do that I guess. But, I believed I am not enough. I believed they are perfect, that they are the chosen ones, that Enlightenment is some mystical experience out there for the chosen few. But the longer I have been around this stuff I have seen enough of teachers getting caught in ego, sleeping with students, doing weird shit. And I don't think that there are more Enlightened men than women, but there are more male teachers than female teachers. I think it's the typical flaws of men that make that so. I'm being an asshole. But I am being an asshole for a reason. 

 

I never needed to go to the Himalayas (I never have), to find the most esoteric of books and teachings, to find the most refined concepts, to focus so much on awareness, or mindfulness or whatever. I practiced self-inquiry for the first time just over five years ago and I saw that there is no one here. But then I got hung up on the fact that I feel negative emotions that I abandoned the understanding. I went to a Buddhist monastery shortly after first having that realisation and asked a monk about it. He just simply asked if I had considered meditation. I tried so many meditations. I got a few days, weeks, months into each one and then bailed cause I hit a wall. But really, that was all chasing a state. I have just had no confidence in myself. I had no self-belief. 

 

I've been such a fucking wimp my whole life. I have looked for gurus to love and accept me. But they don't. They judge etc. I'm not saying don't do anything about suffering. There's plenty that can be done to reduce suffering. But I just think that seeing what I see is beyond simple. It's not intellectual. It's just understanding or intelligence. It's just seeing. I just couldn't accept that I saw it because I thought that I have to earn it or feel like I deserve it. 

 

The only thing which has ever made any difference in the way I feel is diet. I was running around like a headless chicken looking for Enlightenment while hating myself for hating myself. I have been tortured by my mind for decades and people who don't experience that or haven't experienced that don't understand it. They extrapolate from their experience. I see that a lot with conservatives. They seem to think that addiction is about a lack of wisdom and will power or just think it's downright selfish. Liberals tend to be able to put themselves in the shoes of the little guy more, sometimes too much. I'm a conservative to be honest. I just think billionaires should pay their fair share in taxes. 

 

All that shit about being whole and complete and my true nature being love and boundless freedom and all of that I just used to beat myself up with. It meant nothing to me because I have never experienced it. This isn't just some high talk that I will come down from and regret. It's real. I am fucking done with the belief that I am somebody. It's bullshit. It hasn't served me. I can't erase it and I will always have trauma as far as I can see. But I am beyond feeling weary about it. All that kind of talk is pathetic bullshit. It's victim playing like saying, "oh how special and innocent a victim am I? I am weary of all this hard work and being good and waiting for the payoff and it hasn't come. I wish God could hear my pleas", and yada yada yada. All that shit just kept me locked into piling suffering on top of suffering.

 

I just think millennia  have piled concepts on top of concepts in our collective mind and has made the whole understanding practically impenetrable. The eightfold path is wonderful in my opinion for dealing with suffering. Seeing that there is no one doesn't remove all suffering. 

 

I think the bare bones pieces of what I am getting at is, (i) there is a stream of thought, (ii) it will never stop even if you can reduce the frequency of thoughts or even change the content, (iii) despite its content, it is not evidence of a person, (iv) you can notice your thoughts when you get dragged down the rabbit hole of, " I am this or that", (v) you can relax/stop pressing/stop tensing up your muscles and (vi) come back to something - an emotion, a mantra, awareness, the TV, a book etc. It's not so much a doing, but rather stopping doing something that you're doing a lot, probably. 

 

It was always here, I just couldn't let myself have it. I needed to believe that it wasn't for me. I thought, I still have negative emotions so I am a failure.

 

Thinking that thought was evidence of a world controlled me. I assume that there is a separate world for each of us that overlaps. I'm not completely on par with Nondual teachers. I think Nonduality has its limitations. I'm saying that because I made it into a box I had to be a mental contortionist to fit myself into. I thought I could get to the bottom of it. After years I started to take on board my concerns with it. I find it tends towards absolutism too much and appeals to the intellect too much and you just get so fucking lost in the projections onto teachers. It's like in reality I am a fox and I believe that some foxes have worked hard enough and understood enough so that they became doves. And I go to meetings where the dove sits up on stage and tells everyone else how to become a dove. But really that's just a fox who I think is a dove. He is partly to blame for letting everyone believe he is a dove. It's not like he doesn't know they all think that. It's not to say that he isn't a happier fox. But if they put it like that then you wouldn't pay all that money for it. I mean the message is allowed to remain, you can have perfection, unshakeable happiness and all that bullshit. What it really is, things can get better than they currently are because your beliefs are keeping you in a mode of adding suffering on top suffering by tensing up whenever you experience something you don't want to experience. I think it really is that simple. I guess different tools work for different people. But I think it is as simple as just not tensing up, not pressing. Maybe I am wrong. I discount everyone else but not myself. I don't know. 

 

Oh yeah, and, unfortunately, society is like the bucket or crabs. If there is one crab in a bucket, he can climb out. But if there is another crab in the bucket, he will pull you down every time you try to get out as soon as you start finding freedom. Teachers, whoever, don't like that. I don't know why. They don't want you pointing out that they don't know. Three words I have never heard from any teacher ever, after thousands and thousands of videos over years and satsangs and so on are, "I don't know". I watched a video with one teacher where a guy said he had spent $50,000 and spent years on so many methods and nothing had worked, it was fucking bullshit. The teacher blamed the guy, saying he was in a bad mindset or something to that effect. I'm tearing people down, but, there's too much privilege and prestige and bullshit surrounding these people. They get away with letting people think they are perfect and they're just people. It's so much better to do that teaching thing which requires minimal effort than to get a normal job like everyone else. They all charge prohibitively large amounts for their time and are perfectly happy to believe they have the answer so it is justified to charge people that much. And they don't want you to be free anyways. They want you to be dependent on them. They want you to engage in their fantasy that they don't have an ego which feathers their massive ego. The idea that someone doesn't get an ego kick out of having so many souls dependent on them is nuts. They all think they are Christ. When they're not. They may be happier, but that's all it is. They are happier. 

 

There is no such thing as having no preferences and having unshakeable happiness. You could piss off any teacher just as easily as your next door neighbour. 

 

And I'm not saying to use a method or not use a method or that any method is bad or spiritual bypassing or that there is a right way and a wrong way. Well, apart from not tensing up. I think if you don't stop tensing up whenever you experience things you don't like then things will be difficult. So maybe I am somewhat dogmatic. But you can do whatever technique and incorporate this into it. And I guess technically it's not a technique. It's not a doing. It's a not doing. It's stopping doing something that you are doing. So I guess it's kind of not really a method. But maybe I'm still a hypocrite. Fuck it. 

 

I guess what I am getting at is, there is freedom from needing to know everything. We're all just human beings and we all need each other. Maybe I shouldn't have written all that I wrote. Maybe those projections are there for other people onto teachers and that gives them comfort. Sorry if that's the case. I think a lot of seekers have been like me where I didn't want freedom. I just wanted to find The book and The teacher and The way of living. But I never did. They all let me down in some way or the other, books, teachers, rules. The only thing I do stick with from Jiddu Krishnamurti is that there is no authority. When I do 12 Step meetings or Satsangs and people come in with their crab bucket behaviour I don't fucking care now. Maybe I am doing that. Maybe. Maybe I am writing more for myself than anyone else. I'm just so damn angry with all the projections I had. 

 

I guess if I think of myself in the same category as teachers then I am being the crab in the bucket that is pulling them back in. But they tend to operate like lone wolves. They tend to not get involved with other teachers and that way they can escape their bucket every day. So I am walking around and saw a bucket and was like, yeah, I pull that fucking crab back in. So maybe I am being an asshole. But it's not as simplistic as that. I really want to help somebody else just be free. Things get so confused in projections onto time or other people or objects. It's ridiculous. Any attempt I've heard at explaining it just confuses the whole fucking thing. So maybe I am no better than that. I guess just look for yourself and you'll see that there is no separate self. I guess that is a technique that won't work for everybody. Yeah, fuck, I feel like drinking. But I don't feel like shit for feeling like shit. I'm not beating myself over the fucking head over it. It's just thoughts and energy arising. It's just the mind slapping me over the head again. Fuck it. 

 

I guess what I want to really say is that you don't need to lose yourself over and over again putting Enlightenment up on a pedestal and say to yourself that you'll never have that. That's what was blocking me. I really believed that, "this can't be it." When it is. This is it. If Vipassana meditation helps then do that. Loving-kindness, whatever. Mantra meditation. Like I avoided mantra meditation because different teachers said it was spiritual bypassing or useless. I believed that when it could have helped me. You're free, but not as a belief. It's not a fake it until you make it thing or doing it as EFT tapping. I'm sure that could help some people. But what I am talking about is just simply seeing that you never existed. The ego doesn't disappear for anybody but it's not an object. Intellectually I think this becomes complicated. But if you look for it, you won't find it. 

 

I feel like a teacher would read this and say that it is just intellectual and not an embodied realisation and in the past I would have gone away and thought diligently about that and practiced mindfulness and worked at it and get lost down that rabbit hole. And that's what I am getting at. There is a freedom to say, I don't want this, I don't want that. And that's your right. You can just see where your mind is causing suffering for yourself and you can do your best to not add more suffering to that suffering. Ideas of absolute this or that just confused me most of the time. I believed someone could have no preferences or something like that. If you gave someone the choice between being tortured or going out for pizza with an attractive date anybody would prefer the date over the torture. I never found the book, the teacher, the anything. Well, that's not entirely true. My idea of not pressing comes from a video by a guy who talked about Dr. David R Hawkin's technique of Letting Go. So there, that helped me. But I didn't quite follow the technique because I just let go, as opposed to focusing on emotions. I just stopped doing. 

 

To be honest, I'm probably writing all this because I relapsed on food and caffeine today and felt like shit. I ate ice-cream, a whole cake, a sandwich, chocolate, drank an energy drink etc. I already knew how I am an asshole I guess. I've hated myself all my life. I'm just not so enamoured with that way of thinking now. I guess it helps me to understand people who feel that way. I feel empathy and compassion for people who have that. I really want to fucking help somebody. I really just want to give back. I guess, a counsellor once told me, "hold it lightly". I don't think he knew the end result of really doing that. For me, not tensing up so much slowly showed me that this stream of thought isn't occurring because of me. It's just happening without me. All this writing. I'm not responsible for it. I still feel accountable for it, so I hope it does more good than bad. But I'm not choosing this. It's just popping up. Trying to control reality, I guess it helps some people, or maybe a lot of people. And maybe some people don't want to see that there is no one here. Maybe they're happier thinking they are a separate self. For me, I wanted to get rid of my ego. But I see that is like boxing with shadows. When you move so do they. So just be relaxed in whatever your doing when you can. 

 

 

[the system made me]

I thought I woke up. I think I do get it and I don't think I lost it completely. My biggest impediment is thinking I am unworthy. That keeps me in gripping onto thought and arguing with it and trying to please it. I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning but got off the bus a few stops ahead and sat by a green and thought. I practiced an inquiry for addiction to work with the images of cider and beer that were popping up in my mind. I'm back in food and caffeine addiction. But even when I eat clean I still get the negativity. My mind went into - I'm in town for a few hours. No one would know. I could just have a few, sober up and go home. But then only alcoholics think about drinking alone before 12pm. Shame just cascades on me and I lose myself in the projections. It's hard to be awake when the thoughts are negative and I'm fused with them. 12 Step fellowships tell you you are powerless and you're in self will. I find that all not quite true. But then I'm the one struggling to stay sober. 

 

It's not that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be with these thoughts. I want to feel worthy and I know when I drink I lose myself. I can criticise meditation but it's healthier than drugs. It's thoughts and emotions that are hard. 

 

I struggle with food. I eat meat, I feel guilty and ashamed. I eat vegan, I feel scared i'm not getting everything I need from it. The thoughts go after me either way. When I'm in addiction I eat animals anyways and I eat foods I am intolerant to and sugar and drink lots of caffeine. I think if I keep this up my health might turn and I'll regret my choices so much. When I eat pescatarian I feel bad about how much I spend on food. Whatever I do with food I feel bad. But it's thoughts, images that pop up all the time in my mind. 

 

I just take it for granted, this experience. Why does consciousness even work this way? What is the stuff that it is all made out of? Why do thoughts cause emotions? Why do bones break and hearts break and shame arise? What is all of that made out of? Why do all these things interact the way they do? I don't know how to understand that. It just is. I would like very much to feel the good side of being drunk without drinking. I think I will bail on the charity shop today and just go home and decide how I am going to move forward. Something has to change. I'm on a downward spiral if I don't get out of this. At least now I know a bit more how these addictions work. Yeah, I'm just going to go home. 

 

 

 

 

[the system made me]

I made it home without drinking alcohol. I was about to buy a burger and then got interrupted and then just walked home after I had got off the bus. I practiced this inquiry from Scott Kiloby that's in his book on addiction. It's the first time I've really got a handle on addiction. Isolating images and asking if it is the command to use - I don't understand how it works but it really helped. I tried it before but it didn't work for me. Today it worked. I just kept isolating the images of beer and cider and wine and cigarettes and the cravings didn't carry me away. I just looked at the images and asked if this is the command to drink/use and at the emotions doing the same thing with them. It was really helpful. I will still do meetings and abstinence is what I want. I don't even really like alcohol. I don't like the taste, I don't really like how it makes me feel. I just like that it quietens my mind and makes me forget about my problems for a little while. My parents weren't really upset with me when I got home. I think they get that I'm trying. They haven't given up on me yet. I'm so grateful for them. They're so important to me. I would be in a bad place if I had drank because it scares them and I feel guilty and shameful for when I have relapsed. 

 

I realised that when it comes to food and the guilt and the shame and the fear, maybe this is wrong, but I can see past the morality and look at what is happening in my mind. I can then remove a lot of the yoke, attachment and make an informed decision after weighing up the options. I want to say something clever and spiritual. It isn't my inquiry. It's not me. 12 Steps has brought me so far. Now I don't want a sponsor and I don't want to do the steps again. Breaking down what is going on in experience in real time, having the tools to do that, it's not taken away all of the negativity. But, it makes me feel really hopeful for the future. 

[Phil]

For anyone experiencing issues with alcohol and on the nondual path, Paul Hedderman is a Godsend imo. This video in particular came to mind. His take from direct experience on God and self, and where the issue is attributed is really amazingly insightful. I’ve never heard anyone explain it like he does. 

 

[Faith]

I second Paul Hedderman Ive been listening on/off to his nondulity talks for years. Ive never listened to a 12 step video though, although I quit drinking completely 1 yr and 9 months ago when i realized I was starting to abuse it and binging. 

 

12 hours ago, the system made me said:

I made it home without drinking alcohol

Good. Keep it up. One day at a time.  💙

[the system made me]

@Phil thanks. @Faith thanks. 

 

 

[the system made me]

I was clean yesterday but relapsed on food and caffeine today. My job gives me a lot of strong emotions. I can go from feeling pretty high to pretty low depending on the class I'm helping and how they respond to me. I had two classes back to back today where the people I am supposed to help didn't really want it. I feel it so much when I get rejected. And then there are the highs where I meet a kid who is happy for me to help and I can help them with Maths. I'm still going to use KI but it's not enough for me. The dark thoughts keep coming. I try to see that they are me in the sense of it's all me because there is no separation. But the thoughts don't really care about my understanding it seems. I need more help. So I am going to try loving-kindness meditation. I realise that I've been all over the place internally. But I realised that it's because I'm in addiction. I've hardly known sobriety in my life. Maybe most people are like that. When I was a kid it was fantasy and living in thought. Later it was substances and for like twenty years it's been food and for about fifteen it's been caffeine. What I mean is I don't need to be so hard on myself. I've not been in a good place really for a long time and I just hide that from people. I'm honest on here, I guess, because I don't even have my name up. I believe I can get out of these addictions. I believe I can live a good life. I'm a TA for now. I thought today, after building up some confidence at the job, that I could move on to being a Maths teacher. I think I would like that. I think I could be good at that. Maybe I'll never get Enlightenment. But I don't feel so bad about that because I believe in God and Heaven and that this is all happening for a reason and learning. Whatever it is that I'm supposed to learn, I haven't figured it all out yet or received it. So many times I have had relief and I feel better after I figure something and the contraction loosens up, but then life comes back and I feel really low and sad about it all. I hate reality sometimes. But I also love it. I love this world. I, sorry if this is too much, really felt suicidal earlier today. It's partly because my gut is fucked because of the junk food, food intolerances and caffeinated drinks but it's also because I'm so sensitive and my emotions really fluctuate depending on how people respond to me. I am a sensitive soul. I feel ashamed of that. But it has its uses. I realise that being in addiction is infantilising. Being in addiction is selfish and self-centred and wasteful and neglectful. Even when my parents don't know that I am binging on food and caffeine, it comes around as a problem eventually when I need money or I tell them and they are upset about it. But I've not really been myself much. I've been in addiction. I don't even know who I would be without addiction. That makes me feel hopeful and gives me energy to try and get out of this thing. Maybe this isn't the place to say this, but maybe there is more to life than becoming Enlightened. It'd be nice to have a partner again. It'd be nice to be able to afford rent on an apartment and enjoy weekends going for walks, going to the cinema and having lunch out. I've been fixated on what it could be like to be standing at the highest point on Earth instead of, well I don't know how to finish that analogy. But I think you get what I mean. I think my Mom might be right when she says I need to fight it. I thought that was all wrong because it would lead to suppression. But I think it's a balance. Maybe being all Yin is not all that I need. I need to put some energy into raising myself above the negativity. The soft inquiry and mindfulness only helps so much and I can't get a grip on that. I'm scared to be honest. I'm scared of addiction and what it would be like without it. I'm scared of reality and people and what they think of me. I feel shame right now. But I know that can get better if my diet improves and if I meditate and work on getting through the day. I don't know if I'll stick with this but I think a better goal than looking for Enlightenment would be to get through the day without acting out on addiction. I believe I can do it. I believe I can. Things can get better. They will get better. I believe that. 

[the system made me]

Hey @Phil, sorry again about all that stuff I said. I mean it. I am sorry. I just thought that and wanted to write that when I just thought that I will try using the Emotional Guidance Scale. I think that could be a useful way to work with emotions and move into an upward spiral. Writing what I wrote above kind of highlighted that for me. I'll probably buy your book to be fair, and gladly, so I hope you finish not too long from now. Cool. 

[Phil]

@the system made me

Much appreciated, no worries at all! 👊🏼 

[the system made me]

All my problems are thoughts. I turned around and faced thought and it has nothing to say to that. I have been mesmerised by thought and believed everything it has to say. 

[the system made me]

I was out at dinner and the thought came up, "what am I doing?". Or something like that. I spend so much time trying to figure reality out. I'm all tangled up and stressed over thought. When I have been psychotic, trying to figure things out didn't help me to understand what was really happening. I have thought about spiritual concepts. I decided to stop. Stop trying, stop trying to get somewhere else. I try to control reality. Addiction, paranoia, fear, shame, self-hatred, anger, pain, loneliness, projections, transference, low self-esteem - these are unsolvable problems. I left them unsolved and rested. I know teachers who criticise resting in awareness as pointless or spiritual bypassing. Other teachers recommend it even to process trauma. Instead of trying to figure out the right path, find the right book, follow the right rules, be part of the right club, be the most knowledgeable, just stop. I can ignore all of that and just leave the unsolvable problems alone. I keep trying to get to the end of thought. I think, if I think enough or think the right thoughts then thought will calm down. I can stop trying to get somewhere. Maybe this isn't right for everyone but I don't want to search anymore. 

 

I have tried to be right and in control. I haven't wanted to leave it alone. It's like a cut I keep picking at when it scabs over. Just leave it alone and let my body, the Universe, God, energy, whatever deal with it. I feel relieved.

[the system made me]

Shame is toxic. It's like gravity keeping my feet on the hot rocks on the ground. I keep moving to find a safe place to stand but it's all hot rocks. Can inner conflict come to and end? I look around and there is just perception without thought. But I still feel so sad. I feel guilty and lost. I am meandering. Just going with it. I look around and I don't see time or a separate self. But then there is still the sadness. I feel cursed. My siblings betrayed me and I'm stuck in their projections even after many years. The ego is a downward spiral. I feel like going back into the womb, into silence, into peace. I would like to feel happy. I'm in love with God and reality. I love life. But I want out. I want to be free. I don't want the mirage of separation anymore. I don't want the illusions. There is no me but that experience still bothers me. I'm not suicidal. I just am looking forward to life beyond this place. It's strange to think I never existed. 100 years ago if you went around saying that they would say you are mad. The past is completely gone. It's like it never was. Or it hasn't ever existed here. It's just been here. Past moments are mesmerising in the form of thoughts. But they're not reality. Reality is this. I've never used heroin but an image of the drug entering a person's vein comes up and that's life - the beautiful mess. I love reality. I love this. I am passionate about this. It's the heroes journey. No matter what direction we go in, at some point we realise that we were always here, home. It may not be in this life, but at some point I believe everyone finds the truth - this not knowing. I'm in love but I don't know what it is that I love. But I am in love with it. I am tethered to truth. I am in love despite the shame and sorrow and projections. It's all one really. This. This beautiful mess. 

[the system made me]

I got drunk yesterday. I feel ashamed of myself. I hope nobody I know saw me. On waking up this morning I was watching my thoughts and I saw that there is not two. The thoughts aren't about someone. They just are. They're just thoughts. I prayed angrily to God last night for help. It's like the illusion has lifted. For years I have kind of known there is no separate self. But I couldn't really see that. I'm still feeling low, shame, fear, despair, loneliness. But those emotions are just occurrences. They are like clouds floating by in the sky. I have taken everything so personally when it isn't, because there is no person. That's all a dream. I have suffered so much because I have believed I am somebody. Seeing that there isn't two and that tensing up and resisting thought makes everything worse makes me see what is going on. It's quite freeing seeing this. But I'll probably lose this and then I'll be suffering and all of that. But I guess there is no one here to lose or gain anything.  

[the system made me]

I think Enlightenment is the absence of egoic thought. It's the absence of self-referential thought, which comes and goes. I'm having images pop up of last night, how drunk I was, did anyone from work see me? Will I get scapegoated, fired even? Or did I get lucky and no one saw me? But then I see that that is all thought. If anything terrible happens it will be thought that hurts me and not other people's opinions. I feel hopeful. I don't think I need to suffer so much anymore. The personal identity is made up. It's a fiction. I still perceive myself as a person, I just am seeing through it more. Maybe I can really find happiness.

[Faith]

1 hour ago, the system made me said:

I got drunk yesterday

 Go to an AA meeting maybe? 

[the system made me]

@Faith, I will do meetings. I don't like them. But I will do them.

 

I have to find a way to get away completely from addiction. I'm scared. I'm scared I will always suffer. I think I have an opportunity now to be free from junk food and caffeine and alcohol. I want to have a good life. I want to be happy. I'd like to be happy. If I can get free of my addictions and if no one saw me yesterday from work then I could have a decent life ahead. I really pray no one saw me. 

[Faith]

10 hours ago, the system made me said:

I will do meetings. I don't like them. But I will do them.

I don't know if your suppose to like them. At least not at first. Just keep going. 

[the system made me]

@Faith What is Enlightenment according to you? I was listening to Gangaji yesterday again and she was talking about just stopping. I get it. I really do. There is no separate self and all of this trouble started because I started seeking different experiences and suppressing everything. How did you find what you have found?

[Faith]

8 hours ago, the system made me said:

What is Enlightenment according to you?

Negate the apparent person. What's left is your true Self, awareness. 

[Faith]

8 hours ago, the system made me said:

How did you find what you have found?

"I"  have been on the spiritual path since 2009. Been through many, many teachers and teachings, but the best one is the one that will steer you away from thinking that the "apparent" person, which is an illusion, will get enlightened. It doesn't, because there is no person. Just a conglomeration of thoughts, feelings, hearing, seeing, etc in motion, but no noun that it lands on. Only a pointing to an illusory person by using past and future thoughts to create a false "I, me, mine".