A resemblance of sorts

[the system made me]

I watched the Dalai Lama destroy a lifetime of good work in a few seconds. I re-evaluated stuff based on that. Who is trustworthy? What are they hiding? Their judgements, their desires? Who are they? Who am I? Does anyone live up to my standards? I don't. Does God live up to my standards? Why do I think so low of God and so high of myself? And then fuck all of that. I'm not choosing these words. They just pop up and I press and the pressing makes it seem like I am the thinker. I relax the muscles which are tense and the stream of thought carries on without me. Like currents and ripples and whitewash in a river. They're just appearances in the river of life. Frequencies of energy. The play goes on. And who am I? What am I? The more I relax, the more I see that there is emptiness and fullness, that there is something and nothing. I think in absolutes often, but I see how they can be disproven. I say to myself, there is no one here. But it doesn't fit right. I say there is no one here, but then there I am. The thoughts keep coming along with energy in my body. This nonexistent self is not the hero. He's not the anti-hero either. I don't know what he is. He is an appearance in this place. And I realise that intellect is only part of the doorway and that I still need to walk through the door. 

 

I switched up my diet and things finally got better. I intellectualise so often, the thoughts I have. I blame myself and my family for them. But I ate clean for a week and a half and I hated myself much less. I knew there is no one here from years ago but no meditation worked and the thoughts kept coming. I knew there was no one here and yet, I couldn't stop hating myself. How could that be? I feel so disillusioned with hierarchy and adulation and intellect and the calm glow of teachers' eyes. We're just people in a people-less world. I never existed and I hate that nonexistent person. It's cathartic to write. 

 

It's not been a comfort to realise I never existed up until now. It hasn't changed much. Maybe my life would be so much worse though without realising that.

 

I went to church on Sunday and the priest spoke about the question about the nature of God and Heaven if there is so much suffering in the world. I thought about it again and I thought, if we didn't have God, how much worse would this all be? As bad as it is, it could be worse. And I look around and it's actually a miracle that all of this is. I believe that what comes next makes this worth it. 

 

I'm not responsible for the words and images in my mind. They tug and they pull and yank me around and slap me across the head and I get so mad with people who say and do things that cause my mind to do that. But it's this fucking thing in my skull. I thought it was me, but it's just appearing in me. I've decided to stop objectifying women. My mind slaps me for it. I stopped it and then it slapped me for thinking I am so high and mighty for not doing it. It's so messy and distorted and ugly. I am it's slave and I dance to it's tune. I just watch it bash me because it isn't happy with it's own projections. It's fucked. I think I am it, so I blame myself for what it says. My mind is a scared, traumatised little boy walking on eggshells. I shoved all that anger down when I was a kid because I lived with somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder who despised me. It's a river of shadows and it's like hearing that whincing sound from the videogame 'Metal Gear Solid' whenever you see an enemy. It jolts me and slaps me across the head. It's limbo. 

 

I've listened to different teachers and tried different methods. But it's the pressing that is the problem. It creates dissonance and is jarring. And then I remember that it's all the Self. I feel so separate from other people, but they don't exist either. It's just all God. When I get that, my muscles release tension. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need to try to be enough. I can't control my thoughts and I can't do that for other people either. 

 

What happened with the Dalai Lama tarnished how I see teachers. It was the last piece of straw. I haven't throw him under the bus. I feel so bad to do that. I believe he is a good person, but maybe he is flawed. Maybe it was just an innocent mistake. Maybe that's naive. It's hard when heroes' statuses are blown up. When I read Carl Jung's comments about Jewish people, I felt a similar way. But then again, I don't think anyone chooses their thoughts. That's when I judge God. And then I feel fear for being punished. It screws me up inside. Intellect and concepts are addictive. I thought I could think my way out of suffering but that hasn't worked. I do love to think. But then again I do love getting high on anything. It's just using. It's a temporary escape from the pain. 

 

But I don't think the addiction in and of itself is the root of the problem. I think the belief that I can control reality is the root of the problem. I press, but that isn't reality. I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. Whatever is the source of all this is is what can restore me. I don't think I need to know what that is. It's just not the self. I guess it's consciousness or everything. There is a natural order to things and however bad that is, going against that order is worse. So I can stop pressing. Judgements etc arise. But I'm not doing them. Maybe I'll always hate myself. I think that's why I don't want to throw the Dalai Lama under the bus. Self-hatred and shame are so awful. But I can hold it. I think I finally get Step 1. That's fucking great. 

 

The illusion of control is brought about by self-referential thought and morality. The idea that there is someone here seems to be the root of the root of the problem. But I guess not everyone wants to see that. So, instead, we talk about God and God's will. If I could get that there is no one here at real depth then I would see that there never was anyone controlling this. Life is really happening and there is no one creating it and there is no one. Things would be so much better if we didn't think we are egos. There would still be pain and suffering, but there would be much less of it. 

 

Seeing this makes me realise how severe this problem is. It's not some special, pretty, impressive realisation. It's fucking urgent and necessary. Most people think they are somebody and that that person has control and that is fucking up the world. It's really serious. I haven't taken myself seriously. Self-hatred is so infantile. Blaming myself for the content of my mind is killing me with self-harming behaviours. I have to wake up. Otherwise this isn't going to go well. I'm never going to stay sober if I live in the self. I have to wake up, otherwise things are going to get worse. It's just a belief. That's all it is. A simple belief that we are a separate self, and that increases the rate of crime, murder, rape, torture, abuse, war, diseases etc. If everyone woke up it would probably be similar to the whole world being high on weed. People would be softer and kinder and less bitter and twisted up inside. But that would just mask the problem. 

 

I have had this block in my thinking that I don't deserve Enlightenment. I think of myself in this cutesy kind of way. Really I've just been looking for affirmation and praise. I see it with so many followers of teachers, they're not after Enlightenment. They just want to feel special and like they really matter to the teacher. But the teacher has judgements and flaws like anybody else. All I've wanted was to feel loved and admired. But it's really that I want my mind to love me and reality. It is filled with hatred. 

 

I think one can either go down the road of unpicking morality or unpicking the belief that you are someone. I think that a sense of urgency helps. Seeing how it is necessary to take it in at depth and to let go of the idea that I don't deserve it. It's everyone's right and it helps the world every time someone gets it I think. I keep writing looking for a conclusion and I can't find one. I think it's because I feel pain and I don't want to go back to it. 

 

I've been so blind. I've thought, if I am good enough, smart enough, something enough then I will be loved. I just want love. But I have to take it and stop listening to other people and trying to replace this pain for their attachment, which they won't give to me. I have to stand on my own two feet and just fucking stop with the bullshit. Reality is FUBAR, the world is FUBAR, I am FUBAR. I can't be a perfect person because there is no person and I can't have a perfect mind because that doesn't exist. Even if I could love everybody, I won't like everybody. My mind will still say awful things about individuals. This belief that I am somebody is literally killing me. This illusion is torturing me. Every day has been torture because of it. 

 

I don't need to get rid of thoughts or make them into something to find what I am looking for. Seeing that I do in fact, in reality, in experience, not exist, is the starting point. I've been too scared to change this belief. I've thought the presence of unpleasant thoughts makes me a failure and for some reason keeps me stuck in that illusion that I am somebody. It's just a belief. That's it. I've thought I need bliss, to have a perfect mind to start. I've been too scared to start. I've been such a wimp my whole life. 

 

The presence of self-hatred is not evidence of a person. It's just thoughts. Thinking that this can't be it has kept me trapped in shame for years. I think, "I've got it, I've woken up" and then I feel shame for feeling shame and believe I lost it or didn't have it at all. I think I am a chicken because I don't feel like I am an eagle. I look at my wings and feel shame. I have tried to be small and so small that God will take pity on me and let me into Heaven. I built it up in my mind that reality needs to be what I want it to be and I won't give up until it is. But I'm not in control, morality is made up and there is no one here to be in control or to be good or bad. The biggest block for me has been thinking, "this isn't it". "I'm supposed to not feel negative emotions", etc. Fuck it's been such a block. I've tried to be a good little soldier because that was how I got affection and attention as a child. I've done that with God. I haven't taken responsibility for my life. I just see myself as a victim. There is so much power in believing one is a victim. You can lord over people with it and shame them and manipulate them. People get uneasy because they walk on eggshells lest they offend this innocent little deer. I've tried to manipulate God. I've tried shaming myself because that way of thinking decreased how much my siblings bullied me. I haven't been a brute and lashed out in my life really. I've directed all of that anger at myself and lived off of the juice of self-pity. I have lived off of the belief that if I were enough I would feel like I am enough. I have believed my thoughts. I am their slave. I think that's what it comes down to, taking responsibility for my beliefs about reality. Trying to manipulate a reflection in a mirror is, I think, not helpful. Seeing that I am looking at myself all the time and that there never was a person here is truth. Morality is made up, the self is just a belief, I am powerless over reality, my life is unmanageable and I can't manipulate reality. The idea that there is something to wait for all the time is just a belief. We live in a world where someone who appeared to me to be perfect could have that flipped on it's head and they could potentially be placed amongst a category of human beings who are seen as lower than low.  It's all not okay, but it's okay that it's not okay. 

 

Life won't be perfect. There will be pain and suffering, but believing I am somebody makes it worse. I can't make myself or the world perfect and I can't make myself do anything really. It's just a belief that I was somebody. Making a decision to hand things over is not enough. I have to just jump into the water and let go by not pressing. I have to do this thing that I could never do. It's not intellect but it is just an understanding. It's a seeing. I don't want that old way of thinking. I don't want that nightmare anymore. I don't want to believe that I am my mind anymore and I don't want to believe it's negativity. I don't want to try and get rid of it either. I don't want the illusion of control. 

 

Self-hatred, shame, negative emotions are not evidence of a person. I am that I am. Fuck concepts. Fuck the story and don't press. 

 

I have held onto the belief that I am somebody so that I can have the juice of being a victim. I crave negative emotions and shame. I feed them. I live for the belief that I am terrible person. It's my thing. I've been too scared to just take it. I'm lost for words now. I don't think there is anything else to figure out now. I was looking for a conclusion for the reader, but that's bullshit. I have no idea what anyone will think of this. I can only save myself. Fuck beliefs. 

 

Thinking Enlightenment is some special mystical experience out there for the chosen few is bullshit and a block. It's like I craved freedom by trapping myself because at least I felt in control then. If I hate myself then I don't need to take responsibility for myself. It's a cop-out. The presence of negative thoughts and emotions is not evidence of a person. 

 

I really feel for the people of Tibet. I think of how much shame the Dalai Lama must feel for them. Their country was stolen and their spiritual leader was a paragon for compassion, wisdom, clarity and understanding. I imagine the Chinese government has put that video all over China through the media. It's just so fucking sad. 

 

I've been holding out for something better. I've been waiting for perfection. It's not coming and it never existed. Even His Holiness, The Dalai Lama isn't perfect. For me, that image sums up life. I think I'll always remember yesterday when I watched it. It just is what it is and I am what I am. And that's it. I am choosing from now on to stop believing that I exist. It's just a damn belief. That's all it ever was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Phil]

Just two cents, maybe it’s clarifying, maybe it’s not. 

Being a teacher is fine. Schools, driver’s ed, sewing, flying a plane, how to golf, etc. No issue. 

Identifying as a teacher of nonduality, of (infinite) consciousness, is deception.  

Mental manipulation, molestation. Perversion. 

It’s dishonest, disingenuous, delusion. Sickness, which manifests bodily, and which contributes to confusion, sickness & even suicide.  

It hinges on the lie infinite consciousness could know or understand something about infinite consciousness. 

And therein, that there is a knower or understander of infinite consciousness. 

An illusory separate self of thoughts believed. 

Via purporting, the misinformation is convincing.

Like a child molester in a van with professionally made pictures of ice cream & a logo, saying ‘trust me’, or adversely, instilling doubt for not doing so. 

Likewise, the rhetoric that there are separate selves which can become enlightened selves. That one can get there, become, etc. 

It’s all lies. A house of cards. The blind leading the blind. 

This is what it looks like, feels like, when that deception ‘collapses’. 

Having been deceived, mislead. 

 

Pain happens in the world, in that it’s localized, bodily. 

Suffering does not. 

 

The only ‘teacher’ there is, which is definitely not separate, is feeling. 

Being. 

‘Feeling’ just points to unconditional love. 

Hatred is an emotion. 

It’s how some thoughts feel, which unconditional love is appearing as, to unconditional love. 

 

 

This isn’t FUBAR, it’s FUBU. 

 

[the system made me]

I don't believe you know. I believe you don't know more than me. I believe it's a game. It's prestige and status and projection and manipulation. And I don't know if he is a pedophile. I have met people who are pedophiles at SA meetings and I didn't judge them because, I don't know why, I have empathy and I met a guy who was accused of being a pedophile and was attacked for it when he wasn't. He was a teenager when a girl at school accused him of it and everyone hated him and he got attacked with a fucking golf club. Everyone eventually forgot about it but it scarred him for life. I feel compassion for the boy, his family, the Dalai Lama, the people of Tibet. I feel compassion for anyone that gets abused by people in a position of authority, no matter the nature of the abuse. I think you don't know more than I know. I think that presenting oneself the way that you do is manipulation. You created this whole thing. You're just a crab that created a bucket pulling other crabs back down rather than giving them freedom to get out of the bucket. I don't care how nice or compassionate or equanimous a teacher presents themselves to be. I think they are narcissists and grifters. They are happy to take people's money. They are happy to take people's time and souls. I don't have the slightest idea what FUBU means. I got FUBAR from 'Saving Private Ryan'. You fucking crushed me when after months of me writing on your website you told me I was being "intensely attention seeking." You're no better than me. I projected all of this wonderful stuff onto you and it was bullshit. You let that happen. You looked for it. You have no place critiquing what I wrote. You may have compassion and unconditional love but you're not an empathic person. I realise that from watching teachers. They apparently have so much compassion but they don't have empathy. I saw it with Mooji in a video. A woman shouted at him and was crying because he fucked her and then ghosted her. His response was to wave his hand at her, gesturing to her to go away and said, "you're too attached". That's what all you teachers think. You think everyone is too attached and you're so delusional that you don't realise you still have attachment. That's why he reacted that way, because of his attachment. You still have the beam in your eye too. You got an ego kick out of critiquing what I wrote. I'm not presenting as a teacher. I know I am just some asshole with an ego. You are pedalling horse shit and lies and charging people $150 for 90 minutes of your time. I wish I could make that kind of money. You don't have to prepare for it. You just rock up and say whatever comes off the top of your head. You wouldn't dare get a normal job like everyone else. I don't care how calm and happy you are. You still shit like everybody else. Your body will die one day. Your understanding is limited. And you're not a good person. You're writing a book right? I imagine it won't be free. I imagine that this is all a job for you and ego gratification. You let people believe that you have no ego I am sure. It's rubbish. I don't like you for good reasons. 

 

You crushed me that day. I'm sure you have no idea what I mean by that. But I'm sure you have so much critiquing to do. You're intellectually sensitive and nimble but not empathic. All you guys are the same. You do nothing for free. You want it all. You're the same as Osho or any other teacher, you just package it nicer. That's manipulation. You get a kick out of being the master. You get a kick out of the adulation and attention. You get a kick out of the money. You get a kick out of the 'gotya' critiques don't you? You like helicoptering in and taking people down a peg or two and reaffirming that this is your house and you are the master here, don't you? Tell me I am wrong.  You're not really interested in saving anyone. You just want to pull people down. You just want people to feel dependent on you so they pay you more money and give you more of their time. You wouldn't dare do what you do for free in your spare time. Don't worry, whatever response you have I will come back at you. I don't care. I'm not scared of you. I'm not impressed by you. I have nothing to lose. I've been psychotic many times. But you wouldn't know about that. But I'm sure you think you do. You don't have the first clue what it is to have Paranoid Schizophrenia, chronically low self-esteem, a mind that fucking hates you all day long. You can't know, because you don't have empathy. I'm just the Self to you aren't I? I'm just a number in a crowd. I'm probably like a flea that you wish would go away. Maybe that's all bullshit. Maybe it's just projection. You are not a good person. You're the same as the rest of them. 

 

The day when you said I was being "intensely attention seeking" I was following the emotional guidance fucking thing that you promote. I was writing based on that. I was trying to be a good learner and follow the guidance but you're not interested in helping people get free. I acted more free and open when I wrote that day and you shot me down for it. I was trying to hear praise because I was a moron not thinking that you're just some guy. You present as this omni-benevolent being but it's bullshit. I do not like you at all. For good reasons. But go ahead, respond. Critique. Chime in why don't you? You're not a good person. 

[Reena]

@the system made me I'm not so sure about the whole Dalai Lama situation. Could it be possible that it was harmless? 

[Jonas Long]

36 minutes ago, Cupcake said:

@the system made me I'm not so sure about the whole Dalai Lama situation. Could it be possible that it was harmless? 

Idk, "suck my tongue" is literally one of the lines nick cage said as the villain in face off to drive home the point that he's a weird creepy maniac, and it's the only other time I've ever heard it said.  I don't see any way of looking at it that is not problematic.  Celibacy for religious reasons seems to be a big problem, made obvious by the catholic priests, even Ghandi had some really creepy behavior reminiscent of this type of thing. 

[Phil]

@the system made me

I wouldn’t say you’re wrong, just that what you’re saying isn’t accurate. I’m not a teacher. This is clarified in the guidelines which anyone participating here has to click and acknowledge. Also, there’s nothing preventing you from claiming that I am nonetheless. I do have a normal job like everybody else. Three actually, in addition to a marriage and three kids. I’m also currently studying for a state exam, which takes around 120 hours in 3-4 weeks.

 

This forum, all of the videos, the monthly calls, the private messaging and the emails are all free. It’s my spare time. 

Feeling is the master. That’s the whole point.

 

There’s no claim here that I’m a good person. Quite the opposite. What’s being said or shared here is precisely that aren’t good people and bad people. There aren’t actually people. There’s an experience of judgement based on innocently misidentifying, conditioning. This is what was said earlier, nothing is actually knowable about infinite consciousness. 

 

I don’t recall the conversation & comment you mentioned. Sorry. Feel free to copy & paste it here. 

 

FUBU is For Us By Us.

[the system made me]

You're perfectly willing to play the nice guy if you see the person as less than you. I'm emotional. I've lost it. I look low so you're sweet. When I chimed in with how much I hate myself and how fucked up my mental health is months ago, you were so sweet. But when it's freedom. When I was free, you took me down a peg or two. You can spiritualise it all you want about infinite consciousness  and whatever. There are people. You are one of them. It's more nuanced than the absolute. There is no separate person and yet, there it is, the person with all his foibles and shortcomings. It's not absolute categories. You're just as manipulative as me. You don't know more than me. It's shadows dancing. I don't care about whatever guidelines you have written. That doesn't negate reality. It's not all absolute. There are good people and bad people. You play high. You act high. I don't like you. Maybe you don't care about that. But that's because you don't have empathy. 

[Reena]

@the system made me hello? 

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, Cupcake said:

@the system made me I'm not so sure about the whole Dalai Lama situation. Could it be possible that it was harmless? 

It's an extreme form of child abuse to appoint a 2 year old as a spiritual master. 

[Reena]

Just now, Mandy said:

It's an extreme form of child abuse to appoint a 2 year old as a spiritual master. 

Yep. That never made sense to me. 

[Phil]

2 hours ago, the system made me said:

You're perfectly willing to play the nice guy if you see the person as less than you. I'm emotional. I've lost it. I look low so you're sweet. When I chimed in with how much I hate myself and how fucked up my mental health is months ago, you were so sweet. But when it's freedom. When I was free, you took me down a peg or two. You can spiritualise it all you want about infinite consciousness  and whatever. There are people. You are one of them. It's more nuanced than the absolute. There is no separate person and yet, there it is, the person with all his foibles and shortcomings. It's not absolute categories. You're just as manipulative as me. You don't know more than me. It's shadows dancing. I don't care about whatever guidelines you have written. That doesn't negate reality. It's not all absolute. There are good people and bad people. You play high. You act high. I don't like you. Maybe you don't care about that. But that's because you don't have empathy. 

What’s being referred to as people which are emotional etc is ‘the’ absolute. There’s no claim here that anyone knows more than anyone else. That would be playing games, manipulation, deception, etc. What’s being said is far from that. What’s shared is that knowing is the thought, knowing. As this is absolute, infinite, there isn’t this other thing, knowing, and there isn’t any knower knowing anything about infinite consciousness… precisely because consciousness is infinite. 

 

Believing there are good people and bad people is suffering as it’s only actually your (infinite) self being judged, and absolute infinite is unconditional. Judgment of selves feels as it does.. because This is absolute, unconditional, infinite consciousness / Self. 

 

Again, sorry, I do not remember the conversation you’re referring to. Feel free to paste a link. 

[Jonas Long]

27 minutes ago, Mandy said:

It's an extreme form of child abuse to appoint a 2 year old as a spiritual master. 

Yes, and abuse tends to beget abuse. 

[Mandy]

5 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Yes, and abuse tends to beget abuse. 

 

32 minutes ago, Cupcake said:

Yep. That never made sense to me. 

It's no coincidence that he's in his 80's and the question of child abuse has come to light, is it anything but a call to break the cycle of appointing Dalai lamas? Yet the conversation is about whether the Dalai lama is good or bad? 

All this about seperate selves. Shame and blame. Break the cycle. 

[Blessed2]

 

[the system made me]

@Phil, sorry. I was pissed. I was caught in attachment and all of that stuff. I read what you wrote. Sorry. The thing that occurred to me is that I am not my emotions. That's so glib as just a statement. But it's really damn profound in a kind of anti-climatic way. I've been held hostage by my psyche all my life. That's not an excuse. Sorry. I was just so damn angry. I don't want to go over the comments I wrote before. I was just trying to be the perfect little kid I couldn't be and then you wrote that my comment was, "intensely attention seeking".  I'm not being funny, but I think I woke up. I think I did. It's just a seeing. It's like I have been holding a hot stone all my life and I have spent years analysing the stone, like where I got it from, how hot it is, it's texture, other people holding hot stones, what it would be like without the hot stone and then I just put the fucking thing down. Thanks for acting with integrity and staying cool. I was lashing out. I have wanted to take a sledgehammer to reality for years. I resented all the teachers and all the practices because they hadn't worked. I felt just the same as I did eight years ago when I started following spirituality. I got so lost in things like Eckharte Tolle's story in the beginning of the 'Power of Now'. I blamed all the teachers for my suffering. I blamed the whole world. I couldn't take responsibility for my own projections. I just couldn't see it. It's really simple. What I've been doing for years is having negative emotions like shame and anger then automatically going to my mind to see what it has to say about it, tensing up resisting it and getting lost in thoughts about it. But that's not who I am. What that gives me is the freedom to have negative emotions and to not need to try and live a life where I never have negative emotions again. I can just relax, let go, not press, not close, not tense up the muscles in my face, shoulders etc. Thanks for everyone who read this thread for being decent. I wasn't being decent. I apologise for that. Thanks for your insights. Your back up on the pedestal for me. I won't blame you again if I take you off it. 

[Phil]

2 minutes ago, the system made me said:

@Phil, sorry. I was pissed. I was caught in attachment and all of that stuff. I read what you wrote. Sorry. The thing that occurred to me is that I am not my emotions. That's so glib as just a statement. But it's really damn profound in a kind of anti-climatic way. I've been held hostage by my psyche all my life. That's not an excuse. Sorry. I was just so damn angry. I don't want to go over the comments I wrote before. I was just trying to be the perfect little kid I couldn't be and then you wrote that my comment was, "intensely attention seeking". 

Thanks, and no worries at all man. 🙏🏻 

It’s is really damn profound and anti-climatic! 

 

2 minutes ago, the system made me said:

I'm not being funny, but I think I woke up. I think I did. It's just a seeing. It's like I have been holding a hot stone all my life and I have spent years analysing the stone, like where I got it from, how hot it is, it's texture, other people holding hot stones, what it would be like without the hot stone and then I just put the fucking thing down.

Awesome!!!

Reminds me of the old sutta..

 

It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends & companions, kinsmen & relatives would provide him with a surgeon, and the man would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name & clan name of the man who wounded me... until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short... until I know whether he was dark, ruddy-brown, or golden-colored... until I know his home village, town, or city... until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a long bow or a crossbow... until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo threads, sinew, hemp, or bark... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated... until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird... until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a langur, or a monkey.' He would say, 'I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barbed, a calf-toothed, or an oleander arrow.' The man would die and those things would still remain unknown to him.

 

9 minutes ago, the system made me said:

Thanks for acting with integrity and staying cool. I was lashing out. I have wanted to take a sledgehammer to reality for years. I resented all the teachers and all the practices because they hadn't worked. I felt just the same as I did eight years ago when I started following spirituality. I got so lost in things like Eckharte Tolle's story in the beginning of the 'Power of Now'. I blamed all the teachers for my suffering. I blamed the whole world. I couldn't take responsibility for my own projections. I just couldn't see it. It's really simple. What I've been doing for years is having negative emotions like shame and anger then automatically going to my mind to see what it has to say about it, tensing up resisting it and getting lost in thoughts about it. But that's not who I am. What that gives me is the freedom to have negative emotions and to not need to try and live a life where I never have negative emotions again. I can just relax, let go, not press, not close, not tense up the muscles in my face, shoulders etc. Thanks for everyone who read this thread for being decent. I wasn't being decent. I apologise for that. Thanks for your insights. Your back up on the pedestal for me. I won't blame you again if I take you off it. 

Right in the feels. Beautiful, really. Very kind and much appreciated. 

Kick that pedestal over though!!

“Praise & blame are all the same”. 

 

 

 

[the system made me]

Cool, yeah, I'll kick it over. 

 

I wrote a bunch of stuff down but I thought there is a story I like that sums it up better. I love this story. A Buddhist monk was meditating one day and he had a profound glimpse or experience, rush of energy, lights, that kind of thing. He went to his superior that evening and told him about the experience and asked him if that was Satori. The superior said it wasn't. The monk left feeling dejected and low. He thought about it on and off for a few months and then had another meeting with his superior. And again he described the experience and again the superior told him that it wasn't Satori. A few more months passed and the monk couldn't get the glimpse out of his mind. He again went to his superior and described the experience even more and again the superior said that it wasn't Satori. The monk paused and thought and then said, "fine, you can keep your Satori and I will keep my glimpse". And the superior smiled and said, "ahh, Satori!" That's it. 

[Mandy]

❤️👏🙏

[Phil]

@the system made me

I love it. 

[the system made me]

The content of thought is not what the thought is referring to.

 

I wrote a bunch this morning and this line stuck out. I keep going up to projections and reacting and acting and dancing around trying to please them thinking they are the future, the past, myself, other people. I do it to try and make positive thoughts to feel positive emotions. But it's generally shame, shame, shame. What I think other people think of me is not their thoughts about me. I talk to myself knowing that the people aren't there who I am performing for. And my mind judges the reactions. It becomes judgements on top of judgements. That pretty girl I saw at an AA meeting a month ago, I haven't got the faintest idea what she thought of me but I've thought a lot about her and what I think she thought of me. I've felt shame thinking about the state of my life. But those thoughts about the state of my life are not the content of the thoughts. The thoughts and emotions aren't separate from me. But what their content refers to is not the same as the content of thought. That girl's thoughts are not my thoughts. Even if I had spiritual powers and could see her thoughts, it would still be my thoughts telling me what her thoughts were. I don't have any spiritual powers. I don't even know if I really believe in that sort of thing. 

 

Right now, for example, I have been going back and forth about whether or not to post anything. All these ideas of what whoever reads this will think have been fluttering around in my mind and I am acting based on that. When in reality, I don't know what anyone will think. Maybe this is gibberish. I'm not trying to banish the thoughts or trying to control the thoughts away. I'm not even trying to watch every single one of them. I'm watching some of them when it occurs to me to do that. I see those ones and they fall away and I feel the emotion. I guess it's just bits of mindfulness here and there.  

 

It's a very convincing illusion for me that there is separation within experience when there isn't. The fact that there is no separation lends itself to the illusion that the content of the thought is what the thought is referring to when in fact, it is just a thought masquerading to me as that object, person, situation.