More journal

[WhiteOwl]

I feel very fed up with "myself". My problems, my thoughts, my way of looking at things, just repeating. I want to drop it all together. I want to feel at ease in social situations, not being afraid beforehand, or be afraid to crash. I feel doubt if i can be funny and nice to be around. I felt sometimes earlier that my energy is too needy and pushes people away. I feel afraid to stand alone, or i feel very uncomfortable in those situations. I feel doubt about this weekend, there is a 24 hour rave starting saturday evening til sunday evening. Ideally i would like to be a part of it, but i feel worry how i will feel and if i will feel alone. I consider waiting and building myself up more, to feel more ready and flowing. But at the same time i feel bad for missing it. Some parties are "important", even though more are coming. 

[WhiteOwl]

I feel jealous of my friend for his new girl, his apartment and that he is flourishing. I feel angry for not being in alignment, and for feeling insecure. I feel angry for drinking too much even though it was nothing, this weekend. I feel angry because of the way i feel. I feel discouragement. I feel blame alcohol and my culture for making me drink. I blame myself for how this day was spent. So idiotic, not what i wanted at all. I dont want to do that again. I blame myself for being so insecure and for thinking too much.  I blame myself for being afraid. I feel worry about the birthday coming up next week. I feel worry about how it will be and if i can connect and have fun with people. I feel doubt about my capabilities. I doubt myself all the time. I feel disappointed around my choices, watching sport and reading news, instead of doings things that give me flow. I feel disappointed i went out today to watch the game.

I feel overwhelment sometimes. I feel frustration and irritation not getting a lot of approval. I feel pessimistic around how people see me, and if they want to be friends with me. I feel pessimistic how people perceive me. I feel impatient when not aligned.

I sometimes experience boredom. I blame myself for not appreciating things more, and for not being more nice and interested in other people. 

I am super happy about my sisters family. My two nephews are incredible and i am very grateful for having them in my life. My family in general, i feel very lucky to have such a great family. I feel grateful for my friends, even though i sometimes blame them for caring about stupid things. 

I feel very happy how my music is going, i am making some great things and most importantly i enjoy it a lot when i have sessions. It feels very effortless recently, and i look forward to showing it to people. I feel hopeful about the birthday coming up, and releasing and creating more music. I feel hopeful moving next month. 

[WhiteOwl]

I feel disappointed about the ending of my day yesterday. Came home late from work and got sucked into making music but it was very unproductive i was unconsciously focusing on a lot of unwanted things. It actually easily happens while i make music. I want to watch out for when that happens, when you don't find flow. I felt unworthiness in response to the thoughts "I am not funny" "I am not worthwhile" "I am not likeable as i am". I feel disappointed and worthless because my friend didn't respond me last saturday. I blame myself for not turning my vibration around easily. After all i've done to learn and understand how things work, it doesn't seem to be any easier. Still feel a lot of unwanted emotions most of the time. I feel discouragement sometimes, felt it this morning. I feel a lot of self-doubt all the time. I feel worry about meeting "high status" people next friday for the birthday. Of course they don't actually exist. I feel bored. And impatient and irritated trying to feel better. I feel happy about not working today. I will go down make a great breakfast. I want to feel really good today. I look forward to seeing my sisters family later.

[WhiteOwl]

Feeling very angry at my roommate, we had a big fight today. We both thought the other one is doing a piss poor job, was good to get it out i guess. Will be really great to move out soon, incredible. Can't wait. I feel irritated that i wasn't able to drop the argument inside myself earlier after it finished. I blame myself for thinking bad towards him when i know he carries a lot of trauma. 

Almost falling asleep. I intent to feel really great tomorrow and have a great music day. Looking forward to friday, good night coming up.

[WhiteOwl]

A lot of things happened this weekend it feels. I see that i just have to be open, and that being in the receptive mode is a thing. Last friday was a great night. Met lots of new people interested in music, and even though i feel slightly disappointed and thought some of them were a bit arrogant, i am very thankful. Its what i wanted and there is only to appreciate it. I feel disappointed also that i didn't go home with the girls late, i changed my energy a little bit, but again it was a new experience and i surely learned something. I feel a lot of inspiration to create new experiences, and some impatience as well. 

I can really see how its all vibration and how i feel create my reality. Worrying or looking back seems completely stupid on that regard. I feel some doubt as to what people think about me. I doubt if the guy i met wants me to join him his studio, it hope we could both learn something from that.

 

I intend to attract a lot of money for all the great stuff i am going to buy. Records, turntables, more music gear for producing. I also really want more connection with the new music people. Someone to bounce knowledge with. Some new clothes also would be great. I feel very inspired to meet cool and sexy women (somehow feeling embarrassed to write that) after my last night out. Things are moving really great right now, i can feel it. I am grateful for everything that happens for me, and i feel very inspired. A likeminded party crew and a studio place is coming. Feeling so eager to create. 

 

[WhiteOwl]

Slept with all my clothes on and lights on, without brushing my teeth or anything. Felt very tired and didn't want to get up in the right time. I felt and feel really shit. The music i make the last couple of days is awful, and it makes me sad. I feel very impatient to make something good, and i don't find any flow and i try to force things. I have a lot of terrible perspectives and i feel like i waste my time often. I am alone too much, and i don't want to see the friends i might have available. I have too high expectations for things. I have too high expectations for a girlfriend which is why it is hard to find on. Especially when my ex was overly incredible in all areas. I feel very bored about things sometimes, and they look quite meaningless. I end up up doing boring things like playing chess or watching football, while being in a very bad state, its just eating junk-food. Just sad stimulation because of feeling empty. I feel eager about my music sometimes, but i also feel doubt if its good enough or if people will like it or wants to hear it. Feels "too big" to make my first release with the music i came up with right now all of a sudden. 

I can't see myself being like i want to around people. I want people to like me, and that makes me inauthentic in a way. I am so used to always trying to have a good interaction with people that i try to me more in their heads than my own. And no obviously nothing of this exists, but nothing does. I feel i push away the things i want by wanting them too much or desperately, or for stupid reasons. 

Im feeling angry. I don't do what i want to do or do what i say i will do. 

I want something i dont have all the time, i fall down and feel bad so often. 

I dont have a lot of things right now. No girlfriend, no money, just a small tiny rented room, huge loan, nothing really visible going on with music. thats a fucking joke compared to some friends. I feel boring and low vibration. 

I hope someday things will change, but so far non-duality teachings made things for tough for me and for many others. I am kind of using it against myself making it hard to build a strong, healthy ego. Earlier i was able to create a strong sense of confidence and feeling good, but i dont find that anymore.

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl I've found that Louise Hay and Abraham Hicks are excellent especially if you find yourself using nondual pointers as a case for felt unworthiness rather than liberation. 

[almond]

you make music? that's kind of cool. Understandable if it sounds awful if you feel that way too. At least you know some good tunes.  

[WhiteOwl]

Feeling off. I take so bad choices around my sleep. I go to bed too late, like a little kid who doesn't want to go to bed. Then sleep with too much light/noise and feel completely heavy-headed and slow. Starting the day with the worst of momentum. My meditation only does little like this, even though i do it. Feeling angry at my roomate for not doing shit, i feel revengeful. Telling him off. Can't wait to move in 10 days, will be fantastic. I feel discouragement. I would like more structure, which i fail at currently. Mostly due to my sleep i believe. Zero momentum. I decided to cut down on working shifts to focus on my music, so when i am not doing anything with that i start to feel like i am wasting my time. Could at least be working and getting some money then. I feel blame for my stupid decisions. Feeling angry around repeating the same stuff over and over in this journal, things changes momentarily and then back to some shitty emotional place. I feel like i am trying to do all the right things for something to save me, like i am waiting for something to give to me what i want. 

I feel frustrated, not wanting to even write right now. And bored. Feeling very bored.

 

@MandyI do listen to Abraham quite regularly, she is great. But i also see stadiums full of people not creating or living the way they want to together with her. Seems sometimes like i was equally better off not having learned about all this stuff. I don't think i would be more miserable. Not that i am miserable all the time, but its up and down so much. And the discordant momentum just comes so easily compared to alignment. Feels like i have to do everything perfectly to be in alignment while i get pushed out of balance so easily and its way harder to leave a negative momentum.  

 

@almondYes. I don't think it sounds awful all the time. Luckily that changes as well with how i am feeling, like everything else. But thanks 🙂 

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl What if journaling/writing here IS making music, what if you explored the words like you did the sounds? What's the resonance of them? Would you put together a song that was full of discordant notes in no particular sequence, or would you tell a story through the notes that flowed and moved? 

[almond]

I have to say you ezress beautifully, Owl..It's a symphony, I'm glad to read anyway. 🙏🏼 🌟

[WhiteOwl]

What a weekend since my binge last Thursday. Very self-destructive behaviour, reminds me of some of my teenage years. Eating junk, smoking cigarettes, not being outside even though the whole weekend weather was completely amazing. Very disappointed i missed that. I guess i just really needed to be completely down on the ground for some reason. I need to find a way to avoid drinking alcohol like i did last thursday. I do it out of insecurity though. I don't feel good otherwise in social settings with lots of people like last Thursday, but something has to be done. Feeling like that afterwards is not worth anything, and i missed some music friday night i was really looking forward to. Feeling very disappointed because of that. 

Its all about what i am thinking though. Looking back at this weekend, all that happened was me laying consumed by thoughts for 2.5 days pretty much. For absolutely no reason. No reason for me to suffer like that. 

Thoughts around needing to do work to feel better or get myself up before i am ready to do what i want. I treat myself so horribly in thoughts, i want to quit that. I judge my work, my way of being, all of it. A little nagging voice over most of the time. 

I feel worry about some things i said last friday. I blame myself for feeling insecure when talking to certain people. I feel unworthy when i think of my insecurity and my behaviour around some people. 

Insecure = low status, i believe. 

I feel a lot of doubt around myself and everything i do. I doubt my music, my relations, i feel doubt if people like me. I doubt if i can be the person i want to be, and create the life i want to. I feel a lot of doubt around the last points. 

I feel very disappointed how ive been using my focus and time recently. So much discord momentum, and procrastinating on stupid internet things. 

I feel overwhelmed by all of it. 

Time to get back on track though, not getting anywhere what that kind of focus. I feel frustrated and impatient not creating what i want or being in alignment. I feel pessimistic too. 

I feel bored making music sometimes, and just bored generally. I feel bored in the present moment. Often dragging myself into mindless activities (aka. the internet).

I feel happy around some things also. I am moving next monday, and that will be a very nice change. I look forward to playing and learning more about music with my new roommate, and to make the apartment really awesome. 

I also look forward to releasing my music in maybe 2 weeks. The artwork for the cover is done very soon. I feel some worry around it all though, i feel worry and doubt as to how things will unfold.

I want to continue to create good flow of money, and i want meet more likeminded music people to bounce some knowledge in the studio. I would like to meet someone who can take my production to the next level 

I also really want confidence and lightheartedness when i meet people i admire. Cute girls, people doing great things with music or other things. 

I know i am the creator of my own reality, and things might start to move fast in the right direction. 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

@MandyIts beautifully written. Thank you. I want to create a beautiful story 🙂 

@almondthank you. Still not sure why i called myself White Owl actually, haha. I think i just found that picture when i created the account. Never had a thing for owls before that.

[WhiteOwl]

Feeling great last couple of days. Earning good money and feeling clear. I see clearly what i am thinking about and attracting. Its constantly now. 

What do i want to create? A very cosy home with my new roomate. Very chill environment, with good music and socializing. Good walks by the beach, good chill sessions by the sea or in the park. A nice studio a few times a week, and to talk with likeminded people around music. Learn more and take it to the next level production and mastering wise. Really interested in that. I want all the vinyls on my discogs list. Whole driftwood catalog. I want harmony with the people i interact with. I want to meet a special person. Someone who is also busy, maybe with something creative. Someone to support and be supported by. Someone really beautiful and openminded, up for nature, party, all of it. I want to share great music with people, i want good parties. 

Feels a bit greedy with all the wanting, but thats how it is. 

[WhiteOwl]

So i moved yesterday, finally. I like my new room a lot, and our shared space is a very nice. You can hear each other a lot which i hope we can fix somehow, the doors are terribly isolated. I feel some judgement towards him already which i feel disappointment over. I don't want it. I judge him for not having done a lot before i came, and for him being a bit insecure while being with my friends. Or that was my interpretation. Its very unwanted though and i want to think positively towards him and not judge him. I really look forward to making our apartment nice, and to "have" good momentum out here. I feel pessimism often. 

Well. New place, new month. Lots of good things coming up. I feel eager to create and focus on wanted things.

I want money flower (flow actually, a beautiful amazing girl in my life, rock solid dj setup in our living room. Fun and lightheartedness with friends, harmony at home, a very good music release, new great music. Good routines and momentum. A carpet, Driftwood, vinyls. 

[WhiteOwl]

I feel a little frustrated that i didn't wake up when i woke up, it was a bit early though. I always wake up from while remembering having thought 1200 thoughts already so i don't feel completely refreshed. I think it might be due to the light in my room that i don't get REM sleep later in my sleep. Anyways, that will be changed very soon, maybe today. My thoughts make me feel very frustrated and irritated often, since they are unwanted. Its not the right way to do it though as i will keep attracting more of the same. I just have some difficulty finding a different momentum than i already have, even though im not feeling bad, im feeling quite good. Just the same as so often. I want some newness, some change. I want to get rid of ALL insecure thoughts and thoughts around other people, keeping me in the same emotional place. I feel disappointed as often before after meeting with my "music teacher", as i would somehow like us to be good friends and hang out, or something. Or thats the idea i maybe have. Thoughts that i have to be more confidence for it to happen arise. Thoughts that its because i am insecure that social situations like that one is not working out perfectly. It kind of was working out though, we had a lot of fun and we are going to do the release together. Don't know what or why i am expecting something else.

I feel disappointed and irritated at my new roommate for not having his part on buying music equipment for the apartment, as i feel very impatient to get it quickly. 

I realize a lot of judgemental thoughts, a lot of pessimistic thoughts. I feel blame and pessimism "seeing" them. The release was delayed yet another month, which disappoints me a little bit, but also not really. I feel like that project is kind of settled, and i will just continue to work by myself, maybe on other projects also. 

I want to practice Dj'ing a lot more now, become really comfortable around it. "My thoughts" are so hard on myself, i rarely give myself credit. I feel blame for not being perfect all the time. I feel doubt being able to feel like i want to feel. I feel doubt creating what i want. I feel blame towards basicly everyone if they don't live up to my standard. How great is that. 

 

So what is my objectives right now: Creating a career in music. Doing music projects with people. Learning and improving my production/mastering. Becoming financially independent. Having a big vinyl collection to share with people. I want to share good dancefloor and music moment with people, thats what i really want. Openness and lightheartedness with people. Meet a really amazing girlfriend who knocks me over. Someone smart, loving, supporting, sexy, love nature, party would also be great. 

 

Short term: Make the apartment really cosy, a great music setup. 

[WhiteOwl]

I am about to go to a party. Feeling worthless, and not in the mood. I feel like i am not any good right now. I feel discouraged. I feel worthless, like i am not good at anything. I feel angry at people around me. I feel angry at the people from work doing a pisspoor job and being lazy as hell. I feel blame at people and my roomate for not being good enough. I feel jealous of people with hot girlfriends, and at people with music jobs. I feel jealous at happy people. I feel worry i will show a negative vibe tonight, and that people will judge me for it. I feel worry about having a low vibration. I feel some doubt around myself and what i am doing with my life. I feel  disappointment around my "situation". I feel disappointed that the release got delayed, and that we didn't connect as much as i hoped. I feel overwhelmed with emotions last couple of days. I feel very frustrated not feeling good. I feel impatient. I feel pessimism having to go through this all the time. I feel blame for being stupid, continuing to focus on unwanted things apparently causing me to feel bad. Im so fucking tired of it. I am not attracting or creating what i want when i walk around feeling like this. I feel so angry. 

[WhiteOwl]

Awful day at work, completely hungover. Not something to be proud of. Yesterday was a good night, but still with background uneasiness. I ended up going home with a girl i always thought was hot and that i've been thinking about a bit lately for some reason. We were very drunk. In the morning she rejected me, which made me feel a bit worthless and disappointed. Its completely fine, maybe we weren't really on the same page, but it still hurts to get rejected after she initially wanted me yesterday. Anyways, interesting that it happened. It has happened before where i end of sleeping with someone i really wanted to just because of appearence, and where it doesn't match at all. Its not the right tactic when trying to attract the right person for me. What i want is the great feeling it i will have once i click with someone. Doesn't work to fantasize too much about someone i already know it seems.

 

Hangover really makes my thought go dark and negative. So much self-hate today. I feel worthless and afraid to meet people i know on the street. I just want to hide. 

I feel doubt about my music career, and i feel like a loser. Renting a small room, not having any career established. Sounds pathetic to most people. I do believe i will have a breakthrough around my music at some point but right now i have nothing to show for it and it makes me feel like a loser.

 

I so really want to feel better. Consistently. Im completely at the mercy of my thoughts. Its terrible. I meditate every morning for 20 min but its not enough. I need to actively change thoughts, but its not easy somehow.

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl Do you run at all? 

[WhiteOwl]

10 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Do you run at all? 

In periods, yes. I have a knee injury right now though which i actually need to see a doctor for. I swim instead sometimes while my knee gets better, but haven't done it for a while. I go to the gym sometimes.