Unclaimed Journal

[Mandy]

For whatever and whomever wants expression. 

 

❤️

[noomii]

I feel like I have so much to say but it feels so heavy to write, read and focus. I don't know anyone now that wants to talk and listen to me. I long for expression, connection, support, physical closeness & relaxation.

[Mandy]

@noomii We often don't want to bother expressing what we feel unless there's a good listener in front of us. But you can be a good listener for yourself. Our thoughts are often vague and we don't think ourselves or the thoughts worthy of expressing unless there's someone there we are explaining for. But we can hear ourselves, then the thoughts tend to stop popping up because we're finally inviting them into the light. 

 

"I am loved." It either feels good, OR a thought comes up to argue, usually just in the form of something like a Nessie sighting on Loch Ness, it's a just a rumor and just something vague sticking out of the water. Seek it out. Seek out the see monster. Draw a picture of it. Send it to a company to have a stuffed animal made of it. Snuggle it at night. See it. Love it. It's just some fantastical innocent creation. 

[Mandy]

I want fun. I want fun people around who I don't give a care what they think of me. I want to sell my f***ing car. I want to smack somebody for runaway capitalism. I want to stop being an asshole to myself about not making perfect decisions. I want to be able to make decisions easily. 

 

I'm frustrated for no reason. Isn't that FRUSTRATING? Is my humor wrong? Maybe I'm wrong. Tell me how great I am.

 

You're great.

 

Great.

 

What if everything is working out already?

 

That'd be boring.

 

Would it? 

 

You're boring. This is unacceptable. I DEMAND EUPHORIA! I don't see where any of this is going. I need to see where it's going. Hope is seeing where it's going. It's going to a bag of chocolate and gaining 10 pounds. Pessimism is less boring. I want to stay here.

 

I want to draw/write cartoons. 

 

NO YOU DON'T. You won't. You have too many ideas, are too scattered and you do nothing. Everything sucks. I have to ruin everything before it starts. Oh. Tears.  That's actually true. I don't want to do that anymore. Tried to break up with my husband the first day we started going out. Regretted the house fiercely, the car, everything. The dog. Only unenlightened losers incarnate. Obviously it was wrong from the start. I have to ruin everything before it starts.

 

It never started. The line from the Thich Nhat Hahn poem that gives me chills, "Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow —
even today I am still arriving." 

 

"If you're cutting onions, and you're afraid the onions might sting your eyes before you're done cutting them up, just immediately rub some onion in your eyes. 

If you're afraid someone will shoot you in the foot for whatever reason, what you should do is just shoot yourself in the foot first." 

 

Before happiness starts, I demand euphoria. WHY SHOULD I DRAW ONE CARTOON WHEN I'M NOT EVEN A FAMOUS CARTOONIST YET? 

 

I REFUSE TO BE BORED. 

 

I REFUSE.

 

I'm bored. 

[Loop]

@Mandy

 

That was a thrilling read!

😂🤍🙏🏼

 

[Orb]

I wish I had the courage to kill myself. But my friends and family would be devastated so idk what the fuck I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

[Orb]

I feel like j can never redeem myself, everyone knows I'm still the same loser from highschool. Humiliating things happened to me, people made fun of me, I hurt others in my unconsciousness. Now I'm supposed to stand in front of all those people and convince them that I'm a new man. But I'm so ashamed of myself. Most of my friends haven't seen the full range of my personality. I've hidden so much from everyone bc I'm ashamed of everything about me. I'm so ashamed I think the only true relief is to unalive myself. I feel so lonely, I want the girl of my dreams, I've seen her in my dreams, I've seen her in real life and fucked things up with her. I want her so bad. Every guy on social media seems to have the girl he wants, but not me, I'm delusional aren't i

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25 by Orb

[Saylor Twift]

@Orb You’re probably a lot smarter and more talented than you realize. And if you gave yourself more credit, your whole life would change. 

Edited January 25 by Saylor Twift

[Saylor Twift]

I hate people who assume I’m stupid, but have their heads too far up their own asses to consider otherwise. For example, I had a teacher in high school who got super pissed at me and called me “arrogant and condescending” in a really obnoxious old lady tone. I brought it up to her in conversation a few days later by just casually saying, yes I’m very arrogant and condescending. She looked at me with the most smug face I’ve ever seen, and asked “did you look it up?”. And I said, “you think I don’t know what condescending means? Now who’s being condescending?”. 

Like fucking Christ, you really think I’m that stupid you miserable old cow? How about you go look up the fucking word miserable, huh? 

[Saylor Twift]

Old people are such pompous asses. They think they’re so wise and all knowing, but really they’re just obnoxious and overly opinionated. And they’re arrogant as all fuck. Then they have to pretend young people are the dumb ones in order to keep up their ridiculous facades. They’re almost too pathetic to be worthy of my hate. Almost...

Edited January 25 by Saylor Twift

[Saylor Twift]

1 hour ago, Saylor Twift said:

Old people are such pompous asses. They think they’re so wise and all knowing, but really they’re just obnoxious and overly opinionated. And they’re arrogant as all fuck. Then they have to pretend young people are the dumb ones in order to keep up their ridiculous facades. They’re almost too pathetic to be worthy of my hate. Almost...

And I pity the fools who seek out their validation. Going goo goo eyed for pats on the head like loyal mutts. Fucking respect yourselves for the love of fucking God.

 

I have a cousin who eats stupid conservative ideas right out of his dads hand. I guess he thinks his dad won’t love him otherwise, and he’s probably right. I only wish he would have enough self respect to give his dad the middle finger and think for himself. Seriously makes me sick. It’s fucking disgusting how parents brainwash their kids. Like they think young minds are theirs to warp in favor of their own twisted agenda. Such fucking bullshit.

 

It’s all just so unbelievably sad to watch.

Edited January 25 by Saylor Twift

[Loop]

5 hours ago, Orb said:

I feel like j can never redeem myself, everyone knows I'm still the same loser from highschool. Humiliating things happened to me, people made fun of me, I hurt others in my unconsciousness.

Brother, we are all sinners. Just thoughts passing through, who ever told you that you have to be this or that way? What gave you this inkling that you needed to do something in order to be loved? We are all Source’s Beloveds. Nobody knows anything, & young people in school growing up, trying to understand who they are, make a lot of ‘mistakes’ that is just growth. Don’t hurt yourself out of growing pains. It is thought-knots, get into the body, feel how thought affects tension/ contractions, listen in, not out into believing.

 

6 hours ago, Orb said:

Now I'm supposed to stand in front of all those people and convince them that I'm a new man.

Why? You are absolutely innocent! We are all absolutely innocent children!
Don’t let yourself fall for the thought storm, the thinking will pass. Keep expressing, & morning meditation.

You aren’t delusional for your dreams. Social media allows us to post only what we want to be seen, I would take a break from looking at that kind of stuff if I were you. Have days/ time just for you, don’t compare yourself. Do you want to look like you are happy to others? Or do you want the authentic happiness that you are? The Sun peaking through the clouds. 🌞Innocents looking for Love.

Go for a walk to listen to nature, sit down to listen to some relaxing music, have a nice bath, eat a healthy meal. Take care of you, appreciate you. Fall for that innocent child you are, the innocent children we all are Love. 
 

Absolutely Innocent! The growing pains/ the thinking will pass. You are ok, it is ok to be you! 

 

[Mandy]

8 hours ago, Orb said:

I wish I had the courage to kill myself. But my friends and family would be devastated so idk what the fuck I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.

Just a reminder that if you are experiencing suicidal ideation and or thoughts about harming yourself or anyone else in any way, immediately discontinue use of this site and contact a suicide prevention specialist via googling ‘international suicide prevention hotline’, and or speak with your doctor or a therapist. 

 

8 hours ago, Orb said:

I feel like j can never redeem myself, everyone knows I'm still the same loser from highschool.

Maybe you never were a loser in highschool and that assumption is completely wrong. Thus the attempts to redeem yourself would always be frustrated. 

[Mandy]

Morning routine just successfully blew through all the crap from yesterday afternoon. I was ready to sell my car, agreed on a price, was so happy about it, waiting for them to arrive, thought it was going to work out perfectly and was inspired and all that, and then I got a message that they had "decided to wait".  Initially I was like "cool, that's fine" but then in my attempts to quickly redeem the day anyway, I really ended up in a tailspin I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Avoiding feeling disappointment just made more I guess. 

 

Felt awful when I woke up, 15 minutes of meditation turned it around and then the rest of the routine seemed easy. 15 minutes of exercise and celery juice. 

[Mandy]

I put a lot of "faith" in my action, and a lot of hope in conditional things. Thus, meditation turns it around. If "I could" extend the unconditional-ness to myself first, perhaps "I could" extend it to what I do NOT have control over either, chip shortages and having a car with a chip I didn't know it had crap out. The idea that I have control over myself even, is offensive. 😂

 

I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED. I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET. I AM JUST THE IMAGINARY MAID WHO CLEANS THE HOUSE. WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. 

 

 

[Orb]

@Loop meditation in the morning doesn't make much of a diffence. I hate all the spiritual practices bc if you say they don't work then people can easily say oh you're not doing it right. Like motherfucker what else you want me to do?! I'm watching breath and thoughts still come up, I can't even fucking meditate which according to all these teachers is supposed to be the easiest thing. Why can't these clowns admit that meditation is bullshit! There isn't anyone meditating, nothings happening! As if you could just stop thinking, fucking ridiculous.

[Orb]

I just meditated for 15 minutes and I don't know what the fuck everyone else is smoking, it must be some kind of thought induced delusion, I see 0 difference from sitting down for 15 minutes. Nothing changes, thoughts come up, sensations come up and go. What makes that any different from any other moment?

 

 

[Mandy]

It is bullshit. I also wasn't expecting anything or any relief from meditation this morning. Just did it cause why not like brushing my teeth.

 

That's the power of routine, you stop expecting anything to come from it. 

 

[Loop]

@Orb

 

You don’t do anything, meditation isn’t anything. 
 

& 

 

13 minutes ago, Mandy said:

That's the power of routine, you stop expecting anything to come from it. 

All expectations & techniques about how to & what meditation is drop away. 
 

[Orb]

It's all bs, this is all bs. Realizing there's no self doesn't change all the work that has to be done. I'm lazy I don't wanna do anything, my coworkers are annoyed by me bc I'm always late and not doing as much work as I could